When you fear what others think as you walk in your calling

Joshua served alongside Moses, invisible for years, during which, he developed faith and faithfulness that would lead a generation into The Promised Land. – Jennie Allen, Nothing to Prove.

I read ferociously through the book before stopping dead in my tracks. It was as if the line had jumped right off my page. I knew it was for me… not in an egotistical, I’m special kind of way, but a quiet knowing.


Since I was a child, I’ve known I was a healer- always drawn to helping people emotionally and seeking out Truth, wherever I could find it. I’ve been hungry my whole life, always learning, wanting more; my appetite cannot be satisfied.

I would dance in front of large auditoriums and theatres, feeling at home and like my truest self on stage. And I still feel that way- only now, I feel it when I’m sharing Jesus in front of crowds. I know I was born to do this. It makes me feel, alive at the centre of being and connected to my creator. It feels like worship.

I do it naturally because I want to, not because I have to. Whatever the season,wherever God has me, I will serve with my gifts, to the best of my ability.

Have my motives been questionable at times? Sure! All of ours have and I won’t pretend otherwise. But in the quiet of my closet, barefaced and broken before God, I know with every fibre of my being that I seek to serve from a genuine place – in response to His love and in recognition of His calling.

While not everyone is convinced, I am certain this is how God wired me:

To write, to teach, to speak, all for the purpose of healing – of leading people to His heart, through a relationship with Jesus Christ.

For me, it’s not about quantity, but quality.

I want to profoundly touch another soul, in ways that feel like a lovers stare from across the room.

I want to arrest people’s hearts to Jesus.

And yet, I struggle hard…

I feel the need to prove myself.

I want the world to know what I know about myself, as if their understanding and recognition will set me free to do the Fathers will.

It’s a lie and yet, I’ve believed it for years, unknowingly.

Until today….

1-2 Later Jesus was going about his business in Galilee. He didn’t want to travel in Judea because the Jews there were looking for a chance to kill him. It was near the time of Tabernacles, a feast observed annually by the Jews.

3-5 His brothers said, “Why don’t you leave here and go up to the Feast so your disciples can get a good look at the works you do? No one who intends to be publicly known does everything behind the scenes. If you’re serious about what you are doing, come out in the open and show the world.” His brothers were pushing him like this because they didn’t believe in him either.

6-8 Jesus came back at them, “Don’t crowd me. This isn’t my time. It’s your time—it’s always your time; you have nothing to lose. The world has nothing against you, but it’s up in arms against me. It’s against me because I expose the evil behind its pretensions. You go ahead, go up to the Feast. Don’t wait for me. I’m not ready. It’s not the right time for me.

9-11 He said this and stayed on in Galilee. But later, after his family had gone up to the Feast, he also went. But he kept out of the way, careful not to draw attention to himself. – John 7: 1-9 (The Message)

Like the veil was finally lifted and the lie could no longer deceive me, I saw the Truth in the light of day.

Jesus’s own brothers doubted The Father’s Will for him- Jesus’ calling. They didn’t believe in Him and they masqueraded it as care and encouragement!

Behind their carefully crafted words and sly smile, lies a silent waiting to expose Him as a fraud- their unspoken thoughts lurking in the dark corners: “See, I knew it. It’s all in your head. Stop trying- stop trying to exalt yourself or prove your someone special.”

How often do I sense this in the hearts of those around me?

If I’m honest, a lot.

I sense it when I’m around them, in my resolve to be quiet and contentment not to share. In the way I avoid what’s going on with me or what I’m doing with my life right now.

I hide…. I want to leave, because I don’t feel safe.

Like Jesus, I sense their desire to crucify me.

And yet Jesus responds, without defense, without apology or even, agreement! Because He knows…. and that’s enough!

Oh, how I need to adopt this perspective – to accept what God has shown me and stop apologizing or trying to prove myself.

How I need to stop fearing the unknown thoughts and silent assumptions about me; particularly the ones masquerading doubt, as care and encouragement.



What I love most, is Jesus’ response: “I’m not ready. It’s not my time.”

The world will tell us that time is ours to seize! That if we’re serious about what we want to do, then we need to stop playing small… We need to GO PUBLIC, make it official and show the world what we’re made of. Then, they’ll see and believe! Like it’s our job to make that happen- to prove ourselves… for God’s sake though, right? And for His glory, of course!

Jesus, in one line, debunks that lie with Truth.

Timing is in the Father’s hands- a sacred tool to be used discriminately by Him, for His purposes.

While the world perceives time as an opportunity to seize at our discretion, Jesus invites us to see time as an opportunity to shed light on our hearts desires. – Beth Moore


If our desire is to do God’s will, we will wait for His timing, even when the wait feels forever- even when ridicule and rejection feels unbearably painful and our circumstances uncomfortable – even when the world doubts or disdains us, including those closest to us!

Because our faith affects our view of time.

If we really believe God, if we trust that He knows best, then we will also believe God knows when is best.

We won’t clamour to prove ourselves in our calling. We won’t fight for public approval or recognition.We will show up and quietly go about our business, careful not to draw attention to ourselves.

Because in the wait, God is still using us- we are still walking in our calling then, too! He is preparing us for the appointed hour. And when that time comes, we will know it!

God will get us there, God will make it happen – we can be sure of it! We cannot miss our callings….

God made it perfectly plain that his purpose is not a hit-or-miss thing dependent on what we do or don’t do, but A SURE THING thing determined by HIS DECISION, flowing steadily from HIS INITIATIVE. – Romans 9:11 (The Message)

Friend, do you see THE GOOD NEWS IN THIS?


…stop clamouring our way to our calling

… stop grasping for our position

… stop proving ourselves to others

… stop gaining acceptance and the world’s stamp of approval

We can fully let go and simply go about our business as usual, trusting God with the results and their timing.


If you feel the weight of God’s calling on your life, I want to say, I get it … I understand the grief that comes with God given burdens – I know what it’s like! They’re heavy- far too heavy for us to carry! And learning to walk with them, without letting them buckle us- allowing God to carry the yoke– is a process and a wrestle. It’s a constant tension, that takes daily dependency and intimacy with the Lord. And that too, takes commitment and discipline!  Sometimes, I feel like my faith is a full-time job!

But I want to affirm what you know down deep- what God made you for. I don’t believe you know this by accident. I believe, it’s God’s gift of mercy and hope- something to hold onto when life feels hard and our circumstances scream otherwise. Don’t let the world cloud your inner counsel with doubt and fear. God has called you on purpose and for a purpose.

But friend, the timing is His.

Let’s walk out this tension together, shall we?

The good news is we’re not alone, anymore. You have me and I have you.

I’m praying for us both, because that’s the only thing I can do- it’s also the BEST thing.

Will you pray with me?

Lord God, Jesus, you so lavishly provide us with your presence, Holy Spirit, working things in us and in our lives, that we could never do on our own. You do it not by our striving, but because we choose, in our free will, to trust you to do it for us.

Like Jesus, we believe you God. Help us take you at your word. By that act of faith, make our life right with you. Bless us as we live by faith, trusting, believing and hoping for things yet unseen. Help us daily, to choose not to live by our own effort but depending on you. Sustain our relationship with you, as we embrace what you have planned for us.

Above all else, let our relationship with you remain our first priority and desire. Don’t let anything distract us, including our callings, or take us away from spending time with you. Doing things for you, is not the same as spending time with you. We want to enter into what you are doing, not the other way around!

Protect us and keep us from choosing religion, rather than relationship . Rule keeping does not naturally evolve into living by faith. In fact, it only perpetuates more rule keeping! Christ has freed us from the self-defeating life of living by the law. It leads only to despair and death.

Remind us, again and again, that the purpose of the law was to make it obvious that on our own and in our strength, we are out of relationship with you, God. We cannot possibly will ourselves right! We can only do that by waiting in faith for you to complete your promises in us and through us. For if any rule keeping had the power to perfect, we for certain would have gotten there by now!! You know we’ve tried!

By faith alone, you have brought us into first hand encounters with you, The living God. You didn’t just give us a fresh start, you’re dressing us in adult faith. You’re maturing us, so eventually, we will be complete- Christ’s resurrected life in us- lacking no good thing – the fulfillment of your original promise.

May it be so. We give ourselves to you wholly and completely. May your will be done in us. Amen.”



The secret to living at peace in every moment

He has silenced me like a speechless child, overcome by a reality of her parents love. 

A million miles a minute thoughts pour through my heart, yet not a word can form; only tears… 

And they wash over me like a spring of hope, relief and security. Like a running refugee who just found shelter and news of safety, I savour new realities of who I am and whose I am… and what that tangibly means; what it affords me. 

Where my mind once knew it, my heart now believes it: I’m His, through and through. I belong to God and he delights in me. He doesn’t just love me, he actually likes me!

And the same love that saved me, saves me again and again and it can keep me at peace in every moment.

… if I choose it.

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Like the way I love my daughter relentlessly, unabashedly and ever increasingly and I’m not afraid to show it. I want her to know it in her heart and not just her head!

So I’m certain each day to sing praises and affirmation, regardless of what’s unfolded.

Because I want my words to speak life into every crevice of her being.

In doubt, in fear, shame and insecurity, I want my presence to be the love and safety that washes everything else away. 

…. and I want her to be kept there.

… Her heart to stay there in every minute.


That’s exactly what God’s been doing and teaching me: that I too, can be kept at peace by his love. If I’ll receive it and choose to be kept there, than I can rest in every moment.

As I surrender my expectations and accept the present, whatever it looks like, he’s washed joy over me relentlessly.

As I’ve laid my heart out before him- confessing all in unbroken conversation– he’s placed unending rest and peace within me. 

As I’ve forfeited my responsibility to make things happen- whether it’s to change, to do, or to correct- he’s left me dumbfounded as he’s made the impossible possible… how the puzzle pieces just fall into place.


I believed it impossible for most of my life- even my Christian life: that peace could be mine in every moment. And yet

As I’ve learnt to abide, He’s put a stop to my striving, anxiety, shame, fear and negative self talk.

He’s showed me the secret of the Christian life; the key to perfect peace. 


To abide:

  • To remain and stay connected in the presence of The Father. 

  • To accept all that I am and all that I have in Christ, this moment.

  • To expect Jesus to do the work- all the work– of doing, changing, transforming and keeping [me and others].

  • To surrender to Jesus and to wait.

And as I’ve done that, my heart has been kept at perfect peace; at rest in every moment.

It’s mind boggling! 


I watched as my husband carried and played with her; as he sung delight over her heart, unreserved in his affection. Never have I experienced such love before.

I longed for it my whole life, looking desperately in wrong places. 

All the while, my Heavenly Father was waiting for me to run to him, so he could give me exactly that and more; so he could overwhelm me with his love and affection.


And I see it in the way she responds to our affection….

How our love affirms her as she receives it.

How it frees her as she realizes it.

How it transforms her as she experiences it.

How it keeps her as she remembers it. 


And we’re far from perfect. How much more the Fathers love for us? 

Because perfect love casts out fear; it binds up the broken heart, it sets us free, so that fully, in every moment, we can live at peace and rest in Him.

But we must first choose to abide in Christ. 


Father God, I surrender myself this very moment to abide, wholly, only and always in Jesus. Thank you that you keep me there and hold me as your own; that each moment I meet you with my acceptance to abide, I am met with your immediate response: your favour, your forgiveness, your love and delight in me… the resulting peace and rest in every moment. I choose to abide in thee. 

When life feels slow and you’re itching to Go

I’m in a season of rest right now and there’s no denying it….

A season of slow mornings and ample coffee breaks. Of midday walks and evening strolls. Of impromptu visits and lingering longer. Of time with Jesus and then some more. Of thinking and mediating and relishing quiet. Of reading every book I swore I’d finish. Of letting her lead, because there’s just no agenda and rounding the block for something to do. Of running errands to break up the day and counting down minutes ’till daddy comes home.

So this morning I got up and decided to make bread. 


I’ve always loved making bread; I adore it and find the sweet result one I get giddy for every time I do it…

The fresh aroma as is bakes in the oven and the buttery goodness of my first bite. It never got old. And there feels something special – almost holy- when I consider the fact that I made it with my own two hands in love. 

I used to make bread all the time; every few days to be exact but in the past few years, it ceased to be a “good use of my time.” And the oxymoron of that statement is that, in the last few years I’ve had more time than ever to make bread!


Sure I was struggling to even walk as I grew a human inside me and then once I had said baby, I was learning to navigate the trenches of motherhood. But I recall vividly many days, where I sat longing to be in a different season; to be doing, going and accomplishing.

As if my resting was a waste of time and the season of slowness I found myself in, a reflection of inadequacy and wasted potential. 

I was so used to doing and striving that when time stood still, I discovered foreign thoughts taunting me with their chatter…

Who was I if I wasn’t doing [anything seemingly important]? What use are my days, if I’m not working towards a goal or striving to grow personally?


I hadn’t yet fully learned how to just be – me in that moment without wishing it were different- or more accurately,  I were different. 

I believed that because I could always be doing something or working towards something, that I should be! Even if my body were still, my mind never ceased to rest and just be ok.

Don’t get me wrong, I know what I do doesn’t define me – God began a work in me long ago in this area- but I was so used to always doing, that I never had time to experience the whispers that now taunted me about my character, in quiet. 

… That I was wasting my potential, being still.

….That I would never grow or become a better person – a better Christian!

…. That if I didn’t work on something or on me, that things would never change or I would never change! 

And so I filled my days doing, even trivial things, to hush the taunting that played on repeat. I tried to master this thing called mothering, as well as the title I swore I’d never wear: homemaker. I did ample for others to the neglect of the things I needed most, mainly the rest I was called to and so desperately needed in this season.

God knew what I needed when I entered motherhood. He knew that I would want more than anything to savour the simple moments with my daughter before they were gone. He knew I’d need time and space to process the trauma and healing journey I was embarking on.

God knew I needed to learn that while I was made to “move and do” [that’s who he made me to be], it was very much ok and necessary to rest and be slow; that even though there are always things that can be done and there are always parts of me that need to change and be matured, God still likes and delights in me exactly as I am today… and so too, should I. 

I’m not where I need to be, but thank God I’m not where I used to be. I’m ok and I’m on my way! – Joyce Meyers


This season of slow is exactly that –  a season – and if I look closely, I’ll see it for what it is – a gift waiting to be opened- a gift I may never get again.

If I wish it away- if I waste it filling it with stuff or forcing it to be something it’s not- I will eventually look back with regret. And I hate regret than anything!

My biggest fear is realizing I’ve gotten to the end of my life and spent it chasing the wrong things!

I’m so grateful God has spent the better course of three years teaching me about joy, contentment and what really matters. Because it’s those things that have grounded me and helped pull me away – from the noise of others, distractions of social media and the need for approval of others–  from the things that for too long, stole my joy, killed my confidence and destroyed my peace. 

In learning about what [who] brings me joy, in learning contentment regardless of circumstance and discovering the legacy I want to leave when I die- I see everyday as an arrow that’s pointing to an end goal; I can see clearly if this thing- what I’m doing-  is going to aid me or pull me away from the things that will matter when I’m eighty. 

And I truly believe that is been these lesson that have refined my heart enough to recognize the goodness of this season and given me the permission I need to love it and not rush through it.

I can embrace this season of rest, while simultaneously not denying the restless stirring inside me, because it’s God given. Both can coexist without the need to “fix” each other.

‘Cause when the time comes – in God’s time and not mine- the gates will open and I will hit the ground running. 

If you put yourself there, you’ll have to keep yourself there. But if God puts you there, he’ll keep you there! -Anonymous  

I’m done pushing, done striving and forcing life because it’s tiring and ultimately, fruitless. Sure it feels good for a while, but in the end I’m beaten up and more defeated than when I began.

But when I simply walk where God is calling me –  if I do only what he is calling me today, in this season– then I discover a power within me greater than myself to do and accomplish more than I could on my own; an ease and a joy in life that follows me.

We’re in no hurry, God. We’re content to linger in the path sign-marked with your decisions. – Isaiah 26: 10

Right now, he’s calling me to rest; to slow down and savour the goodness of days extended and moments prolonged. 

So if you need me, you can find me in the kitchen baking bread ….. or on the floor playing with my daughter or walking around the block for the upteenth time, because I can and I’m enjoying it. 


Going back to Bethel | Meeting God in the middle of Nowhere

” 13 Then God ascended from Jacob in the place where He had spoken with him. 14 Jacob set up a pillar (memorial, monument) in the place where he had talked with God, a pillar of stone, and he poured a drink offering [of wine] on it; he also poured oil on it [to declare it sacred for God’s purpose]. 15 So Jacob named the place where God had spoken with him, Bethel (the House of God).” – Genesis 35:12-15 

I’m going back to Bethel.

Because I’m living in the middle of nowhere right now, on the way to a place I’ve never been, in a place I planned to pass over. A place of transition, if you will.

And after weeks of feeling lost, God answered my plight of prayers. He reminded me of all the times he’s met me in the middle of nowheresville – in the middle of lost, uncertain and unknown- and made me promise after promise, which he’s answered time and again.


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I think back to the college girl who never felt like she had her tribe; who felt misunderstood and jealous of all the bestie’s others clung to. I remember praying, begging God to find me a friend, a genuine friend who would know my heart and never leave me, even when I said the wrong thing or got into a fight. And then he brought me not one, but two, then three; women who loved me in the messy days when I was fighting Jesus and my pride kept me from seeing my need for him. They loved me as I learnt to crawl in my faith and fell down daily. Then picked me up time and again and spoke life and love over me when I didn’t deserve it. And they continue to walk with me today, holding my hand in every bright and beautiful moment; even tighter in the dark and scary ones.

Chantalle. Michelle. Amy. 

And now, I sit weekly with many more woman, who see my ugly heaped up high on the floor, and love me in spite of my mistakes, seeing me for the woman God has made me to be.

Kaley. Abby. Jessica. Alicia. Laura. Carly. Mary. Sue. Heather. Dawn. Diane. 

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I think back to the woman who lay lonely on a futon mattress in a rented room, in a town she swore she’d never live, longing for a place to call home- our home. And how God brought us to this house, even when the ad read “No Pets. Professionals only.” and we were struggling, fresh out of dead-end jobs with a dog. And as we turned the corner, my heart leapt for joy and I told dave boldly, “we’ve found home.”  And it was here, in this sleeping town of Port Moody, where God met me on the trails and began a renovation project in my heart and turned my life upside down.

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And how he led us to Coquitlam Alliance Church, after feeling unknown and unaccepted in our previous one. How again he gave us both the same revelation, at exactly the same time as we walked up the driveway the very first time we attended. “This is home.” And how it was through this church that God spoke like never before, asking us to walk out our faith with our time, our money and our vary lives. And how it was through these convictions that we began to learn generosity, giving and sharing Jesus not just on sunday, but in everyday.


And how that change in our hearts led me to start speaking openly about my faith in my business. And it led me to incredible women who love Jesus too and gave their work to him as an offering. They inspired me to find a mission bigger than myself and changed the entire way I saw the work of my hands.

Lara. Natalie. Emily. Nancy. Gina. 

It was through these woman that God nudged me to trust him with more than just my work, but with our finances and our marriage too. We started  Financial Peace University and paid of $35,000 of debt in 12 months. We now live and aspire to remain completely debt free through new home and business acquisitions.


And how this change in my business, brought more people of faith out of the woodworks, locally this time, and slowly but surely God blessed us with community, here in our little city, in a little industry that seemed God-lost so much of the time. And how God used us to spur each other on and bless each other in just the right time, in just the right ways.

Sarah. Matt. Donna. Nuover. Yinger. Suzanna. 


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I think back to that girl who couldn’t find her identity apart from stuff and achievement. Who was addicted to people pleasing, paralyzed by anxiety (at one point I was house bound and couldn’t be alone for 5 months) and ran from grief and hardship even if it left her friends lonely and scared. The girl who masked her hurt, shame and distrust in negative self-talk and disordered eating; who pretended like she wasn’t broken from years of giving herself away. And how God so gently and lovingly peeled back the layers of the onion, to reveal its stench. Who ripped out the root of those hurts, planted new seeds and continued (and continues to) water and nurture those seeds until I was a new creation – a completely different woman; a transformed life.

“Therefore if anyone is in Christ [that is, grafted in, joined to Him by faith in Him as Savior], he is a new creature [reborn and renewed by the Holy Spirit]; the old things [the previous moral and spiritual condition] have passed away. Behold, new things have come [because spiritual awakening brings a new life]. 18 But all these things are from God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ [making us acceptable to Him] and gave us the ministry of reconciliation [so that by our example we might bring others to Him], 19 that is, that God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself, not counting people’s sins against them [but canceling them].” – 2 Corinthians 5:17

And how he’s used the things that hurt me the most to become my message of hope, redemption and freedom.

How he’s used those vary things – the things I wanted to pretend never happened- the things I would have rather died than have people find out about before – to draw me closer to others in community, to lead a group of woman and to speak to youth, empowering them to fight for sexual integrity.

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Because when God shows up in the middle of nowhere – on your way to somewhere you’ve never been, in a place you planned to pass through or stop over on the way to somewhere better – he renames it NOW HERE.

This season that I’ve called unknown, He renames it Surrender. Because he is NOW HERE. 

Because where I saw waiting, he sees preparing. Where I saw longing, he sees drawing near. Where I saw nothing, he sees surrender.

He sees me, this heart and this life wanting nothing more than him and his will. 

Down the Narrow Path

Jesus tells us that the path to him is narrow and the gate, small… only a few will find it. [Matt. 7:14]


And yet on so many days, I fight the hard stuff and want desperately for my life to be comfortable and easy.

…For things to go back to the way they “used to be.”
…For life to magically jump back to a time with less responsibilities and more “freedom.” [Ha! Now that’s a joke, because in the years I’m dreaming of, I was bound by lies of shame, guilt, self hatred and an incessant pursuit of perfectionism that left me feeling unworthy and never good enough]

When I’m fighting the urge to run from my current circumstances, I find myself grasping for things of comfort:

….old TV shows I watched as a child or in an “easier” season of life.  Comfort
….The need to constantly be out and about being entertained or with people.  Distraction
….Feel good books or blogs that make me feel warm and fuzzy inside, like everything is going to be ok.  Peace

All counterfeit. All Worldly. 

And then I slowly start to notice the effects; my prayers become brief and my devotional time routine, like I’m frantic to “get them done” so I can hurry on to something else that’ll make me feel good. “Happy and light” for a moment.

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I run, to all the wrong places and things, seeking the vary things only HE can give me:

  • The strength and courage to keep going, even when I can’t see the light at the end of the season
  • Comfort that allows me to rest in him, right where I am
  • Peace that surpasses all understanding, reason and circumstance
  • Joy, to dance in the midst of the rain, instead of waiting for it to pass
  • Trust, that He knows me, loves me and has a plan for me
  • Surrender, to his will, his plans and his ways

My husband and I knew from the start of 2014 that this year was going to be one of change. Don’t ask us why, but somehow we knew. It seems that for every few years of “coasting,” he throws us a curve ball year of “change.” Or as I like to put it when I’m through the chaos and lessons… Seasons of Growth.


It’s in these years or seasons that I’ve done the most growing spirtually, personally and professionally. Because what the heart knows, the heart lives and out of the heart the mouth speaks.

And when love, true love, enters your heart, it can’t help but overflow into every area of your life.


In these hard seasons, I know that’s what He’s teaching me. He’s increasing my capacity to love deeper and to know him more.

But renovations of any kind are never easy, especially renovations of the heart! They might seem fun and exciting in the dreaming stage, but once your knees deep in the mess and chaos, it’s hard to see the end goal or even remember why you wanted to start this crazy project in the first place.

It’s in those moments, where I sit right now, that I’m reaching out and asking him to grab ahold of me. To pull me up on to the ledge of one covered piece of furniture, so I can see from his perspective how things will surely come together.

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Time, patience, hard work, persistence and faith in the process.

I hear him whisper…

The road is narrow and the gate small. But the rewards are perfect and worth it, dear child. Just wait.


The Drug of this World

You have given me the capacity to hear and obey, a more valuable service than burnt offerings or sin offerings, which you do not require ~ Psalm 40:6

Jesus came that we might be free from the law of the old testament. He made a new way for us, one that did not require us to strive or keep rules inorder to save ourselves. Why? Because God knew the impossibilitiy of it. He knew we would misably miss the mark time and time again.

Daily devotional

If it were up to us, we’d seek our freedom and wholeness in Christ by means of measily effort, which pails in comparison to the invinciple power of our Father, God. We’d do things our way, using the pea size knowledge and understanding we have of this world, God, his character and his ways. We ‘d give 1000% of our human talents, abilities and strength, only to become weary and faint, when instant victory did not lie around the corner. And eventually, we run ourselves ragged trying, becoming hopeless, faint in our doing and turn running from God, resentful that he allowed this to happen when we were doing everything we could to “do good.”

In a blunt nutshell, we see that our striving [aka: burnt or sin offerings] is fruitless and will never lead us where God desires – rather in circles, until we finally come to the end of ourselves and beg God for help.

Sadly, today, this is how many of us come to know and experience God truly for the first time. And all the while God had watched us, spinning in our “doing”, our trying” and our “worrying”, saying,

“Child, will you just stop already? I’ve got this. Trust me. I do not need your help. My plans are good, always and my ways are greater. You may not understand just yet, why or how, but in due time you will see. All you need do is seek me, whole heatedly and listen. I will show you the way. Do only that which I ask of you, but until then, be still. “

God invites us into a relationship of intimacy and freindship, one where we can linger in each others company. He will listen, comfort and answer our  us. But in respect, he asks the same.

In life, through every circumstance, God does not expect us to figure it out on our own. He begs us to ask him what he wants and do only that which he reveals; for he’ll do all the rest and our “getting in the way” will only prolong, derail or stear his plan off course.

For his ways or not our ways and his thoughts are not our thoughts. How than can we ever be expected to figure out our messes, our junk- heck, our daily priorities? He sees things so much different and he wants to show us why. He needs only a willing heart, that will stop “doing” long enough, to be still, ask and listen.

Lord, help us to believe and know that you are the master of our lives. You have not asked for a copilot, but simply a passanger to enjoy the ride. Give us the desire and persistence it takes, to seek you whole heardetly for the answers, and the courage it takes to wait patiently for the steps you’d have us walk. Hold onto us with both arms, for we fear we’ll run ahead of you. We declare that while your plans may not yet be understood or fully revealed, we know that they are good and we want to simply walk in your will. Give us everything we need to do just that, to do it with joy, regardless of our circumstance.

Waiting with Expectancy

God’s been working in my heart a lot lately showing me the worlds [and my own]  deep routed need for forgiveness and what it truly means to love those right in front of us. And as with most things, He’s working on me in a season of waiting… perfectly timed as always Lord.

I had been sensing a shift, deep down in my heart the last few months. One of letting go. Letting go of the things I planned for my future, my need to control my every day and the hierarchy of priorities I had established for myself.  He’s been showing me, slowly but surely, what it means to align my will with his and give each day to him… whole heartedly.

Some days, that means tending to clients, ensuring they are helped, given advice and preparing for not only a wedding, but  a lifetime in marriage. While others, it means shutting down my computer early to help a friend out, reach out to someone who’s hurting or simply get outside to savour the sunshine.

There’s been a lot more quiet around our house as of late and after clearing the clutter, yet again earlier this month, [I said no to a long list of work opportunities that I normally would have jumped at, so that I could focus on what really matters and prepare for a busy wedding season ahead] there been a lot of what’s felt like unfilled time, slow days and a smaller than usual list of A priorities to tend to. I’ve been fighting feelings of laziness, inadequacy and guilt. [my pride hurts as I type this and wants to hide behind distraction and create busyness] Because my old self and the lies of the enemy tell me I’m nothing unless I’m busy every single moment of the day. That if I don’t take every opportunity that comes my way, I’m going to miss my big break. That if I have slow days, that means I don’t have enough work, that I’m not contributing enough to my family and our goals to get out of debt and that I should just quit this whole entrepreneur gig already, run out and get a real job like a “normal person.” [Wow. I can’t believe I just wrote that. Those awful lies have pierced me for years and I’m pretty sure that’s the first time I’m ever written them out like that.]

But here’s the truth of the matter…

a) It’s what I call an “in-between season” right now. I’ve just finished my second booking season, and as usual, there’s a 2 month lag before my busy season starts. This is completely normal and routine. Nothing to work yourself into a frenzy over. This season is one to breath and savour time outside and with the ones I love most, before my weekends get swallowed whole by events and must-tend to priorities, even on my off days ….   b) My worth and my identity are not determined by my work, my accomplishments, my check book, my client roster, or my schedule. That busyness is a distraction and half the time, I used to fill my days with side projects, social media, research aka: comparing and B/C list priorities…. and c) if I actively seek God in every decision, aligning my will with his for my life, I’m hard pressed to miss my “big break.” My definition of success of not what it used to be and  what I really want for my life is what he wants for it; nothing less, northing more.

God’s called me away from the distractions and in this quiet space, this time in between, He’s slowly revealing to me the plans He has for me-  That when I listen to His promptings and spend those “slow days” focusing on what He wants me to do, rather than filling it with meaningless distractions that fake me into feeling accomplished, He’ll finish the work He’s started in me- refining my heart, aligning my will with His and teaching me to wait patiently in expectancy, trusting in His every promise, not the worlds.

Oh God, you are so good. Your ways are SO FAR from my own. And while at first glance, they may seem counterproductive, when I look closely, I see their truth, their necessity and perfect intentional purpose.

PS: As I look back now at this post, I see that God’s taken over, yet again. I sat down to write about what he’s been teaching me on unforgiveness and what it means to love as he does. It appears he wanted me to face my fears and be honest with myself, sharing my struggles and vulnerability. I’m thinking someone else is needing this reality check and encouragement too! More on my original post intent later….

PPS: The photo above is something new I’ve been working on -iInspirational backgrounds for your Computer, iPad + Smart Phones. I’m not quite sure where God will lead me in this, but it’s been on my heart to start. It was time to make something meaningful from my hard drives of photos + journals of quotes. See more by clicking the “inspirational downloads” icon on the top or right hand side bar of the blog. I hope you enjoy them, as much as I did creating them.