When you fear what others think as you walk in your calling

Joshua served alongside Moses, invisible for years, during which, he developed faith and faithfulness that would lead a generation into The Promised Land. – Jennie Allen, Nothing to Prove.

I read ferociously through the book before stopping dead in my tracks. It was as if the line had jumped right off my page. I knew it was for me… not in an egotistical, I’m special kind of way, but a quiet knowing.


Since I was a child, I’ve known I was a healer- always drawn to helping people emotionally and seeking out Truth, wherever I could find it. I’ve been hungry my whole life, always learning, wanting more; my appetite cannot be satisfied.

I would dance in front of large auditoriums and theatres, feeling at home and like my truest self on stage. And I still feel that way- only now, I feel it when I’m sharing Jesus in front of crowds. I know I was born to do this. It makes me feel, alive at the centre of being and connected to my creator. It feels like worship.

I do it naturally because I want to, not because I have to. Whatever the season,wherever God has me, I will serve with my gifts, to the best of my ability.

Have my motives been questionable at times? Sure! All of ours have and I won’t pretend otherwise. But in the quiet of my closet, barefaced and broken before God, I know with every fibre of my being that I seek to serve from a genuine place – in response to His love and in recognition of His calling.

While not everyone is convinced, I am certain this is how God wired me:

To write, to teach, to speak, all for the purpose of healing – of leading people to His heart, through a relationship with Jesus Christ.

For me, it’s not about quantity, but quality.

I want to profoundly touch another soul, in ways that feel like a lovers stare from across the room.

I want to arrest people’s hearts to Jesus.

And yet, I struggle hard…

I feel the need to prove myself.

I want the world to know what I know about myself, as if their understanding and recognition will set me free to do the Fathers will.

It’s a lie and yet, I’ve believed it for years, unknowingly.

Until today….

1-2 Later Jesus was going about his business in Galilee. He didn’t want to travel in Judea because the Jews there were looking for a chance to kill him. It was near the time of Tabernacles, a feast observed annually by the Jews.

3-5 His brothers said, “Why don’t you leave here and go up to the Feast so your disciples can get a good look at the works you do? No one who intends to be publicly known does everything behind the scenes. If you’re serious about what you are doing, come out in the open and show the world.” His brothers were pushing him like this because they didn’t believe in him either.

6-8 Jesus came back at them, “Don’t crowd me. This isn’t my time. It’s your time—it’s always your time; you have nothing to lose. The world has nothing against you, but it’s up in arms against me. It’s against me because I expose the evil behind its pretensions. You go ahead, go up to the Feast. Don’t wait for me. I’m not ready. It’s not the right time for me.

9-11 He said this and stayed on in Galilee. But later, after his family had gone up to the Feast, he also went. But he kept out of the way, careful not to draw attention to himself. – John 7: 1-9 (The Message)

Like the veil was finally lifted and the lie could no longer deceive me, I saw the Truth in the light of day.

Jesus’s own brothers doubted The Father’s Will for him- Jesus’ calling. They didn’t believe in Him and they masqueraded it as care and encouragement!

Behind their carefully crafted words and sly smile, lies a silent waiting to expose Him as a fraud- their unspoken thoughts lurking in the dark corners: “See, I knew it. It’s all in your head. Stop trying- stop trying to exalt yourself or prove your someone special.”

How often do I sense this in the hearts of those around me?

If I’m honest, a lot.

I sense it when I’m around them, in my resolve to be quiet and contentment not to share. In the way I avoid what’s going on with me or what I’m doing with my life right now.

I hide…. I want to leave, because I don’t feel safe.

Like Jesus, I sense their desire to crucify me.

And yet Jesus responds, without defense, without apology or even, agreement! Because He knows…. and that’s enough!

Oh, how I need to adopt this perspective – to accept what God has shown me and stop apologizing or trying to prove myself.

How I need to stop fearing the unknown thoughts and silent assumptions about me; particularly the ones masquerading doubt, as care and encouragement.



What I love most, is Jesus’ response: “I’m not ready. It’s not my time.”

The world will tell us that time is ours to seize! That if we’re serious about what we want to do, then we need to stop playing small… We need to GO PUBLIC, make it official and show the world what we’re made of. Then, they’ll see and believe! Like it’s our job to make that happen- to prove ourselves… for God’s sake though, right? And for His glory, of course!

Jesus, in one line, debunks that lie with Truth.

Timing is in the Father’s hands- a sacred tool to be used discriminately by Him, for His purposes.

While the world perceives time as an opportunity to seize at our discretion, Jesus invites us to see time as an opportunity to shed light on our hearts desires. – Beth Moore


If our desire is to do God’s will, we will wait for His timing, even when the wait feels forever- even when ridicule and rejection feels unbearably painful and our circumstances uncomfortable – even when the world doubts or disdains us, including those closest to us!

Because our faith affects our view of time.

If we really believe God, if we trust that He knows best, then we will also believe God knows when is best.

We won’t clamour to prove ourselves in our calling. We won’t fight for public approval or recognition.We will show up and quietly go about our business, careful not to draw attention to ourselves.

Because in the wait, God is still using us- we are still walking in our calling then, too! He is preparing us for the appointed hour. And when that time comes, we will know it!

God will get us there, God will make it happen – we can be sure of it! We cannot miss our callings….

God made it perfectly plain that his purpose is not a hit-or-miss thing dependent on what we do or don’t do, but A SURE THING thing determined by HIS DECISION, flowing steadily from HIS INITIATIVE. – Romans 9:11 (The Message)

Friend, do you see THE GOOD NEWS IN THIS?


…stop clamouring our way to our calling

… stop grasping for our position

… stop proving ourselves to others

… stop gaining acceptance and the world’s stamp of approval

We can fully let go and simply go about our business as usual, trusting God with the results and their timing.


If you feel the weight of God’s calling on your life, I want to say, I get it … I understand the grief that comes with God given burdens – I know what it’s like! They’re heavy- far too heavy for us to carry! And learning to walk with them, without letting them buckle us- allowing God to carry the yoke– is a process and a wrestle. It’s a constant tension, that takes daily dependency and intimacy with the Lord. And that too, takes commitment and discipline!  Sometimes, I feel like my faith is a full-time job!

But I want to affirm what you know down deep- what God made you for. I don’t believe you know this by accident. I believe, it’s God’s gift of mercy and hope- something to hold onto when life feels hard and our circumstances scream otherwise. Don’t let the world cloud your inner counsel with doubt and fear. God has called you on purpose and for a purpose.

But friend, the timing is His.

Let’s walk out this tension together, shall we?

The good news is we’re not alone, anymore. You have me and I have you.

I’m praying for us both, because that’s the only thing I can do- it’s also the BEST thing.

Will you pray with me?

Lord God, Jesus, you so lavishly provide us with your presence, Holy Spirit, working things in us and in our lives, that we could never do on our own. You do it not by our striving, but because we choose, in our free will, to trust you to do it for us.

Like Jesus, we believe you God. Help us take you at your word. By that act of faith, make our life right with you. Bless us as we live by faith, trusting, believing and hoping for things yet unseen. Help us daily, to choose not to live by our own effort but depending on you. Sustain our relationship with you, as we embrace what you have planned for us.

Above all else, let our relationship with you remain our first priority and desire. Don’t let anything distract us, including our callings, or take us away from spending time with you. Doing things for you, is not the same as spending time with you. We want to enter into what you are doing, not the other way around!

Protect us and keep us from choosing religion, rather than relationship . Rule keeping does not naturally evolve into living by faith. In fact, it only perpetuates more rule keeping! Christ has freed us from the self-defeating life of living by the law. It leads only to despair and death.

Remind us, again and again, that the purpose of the law was to make it obvious that on our own and in our strength, we are out of relationship with you, God. We cannot possibly will ourselves right! We can only do that by waiting in faith for you to complete your promises in us and through us. For if any rule keeping had the power to perfect, we for certain would have gotten there by now!! You know we’ve tried!

By faith alone, you have brought us into first hand encounters with you, The living God. You didn’t just give us a fresh start, you’re dressing us in adult faith. You’re maturing us, so eventually, we will be complete- Christ’s resurrected life in us- lacking no good thing – the fulfillment of your original promise.

May it be so. We give ourselves to you wholly and completely. May your will be done in us. Amen.”



Where the Battle’s Won | When your mourning turns to dancing

Over the past few months, life has felt heavy. 

In addition to taking one of the biggest leaps of faith I’ve ever taken, having no clue what the future holds for me, we’re walking through one of the most intense seasons of our marriage yet. Thankfully were on the assent from the valley and the peak of the mountain is in sight. 


On top of that, this new stage of motherhood – moving from babyhood to toddlertown- has proved to reveal many of my weaknesses on a daily basis. Where joy once came easy in every moment,  I’ve found myself having to fight for it and be intentional in choosing it throughout my days. I’ve needed far more help than I ever imagined and I’ve battled guilt and shame over failed expectations of what I’d be like as a mother. 

And then there’s Thursdays, my favourite day of the week as I welcome some of the women closest to my heart into my home. Together we wrestle and grow and encourage and laugh. And while it’s beautiful and profound what happens each week, we’ve been working through the most intense study yet. It’s uncovered deep personal struggles in all of us and we’ll, lets just say that while the intensity isn’t anything I shy away from, it, added to my other realities, has felt back breaking some weeks. 

Over all, my heart has hurt for all the brokenness and suffering in and around me. I’ve had to grieve losses for myself and for others. I’ve had to sit in the darkness of my emotions and not run from them, so that eventually, I could bury them and move on.

I’ve learnt that with every new beginning, there must first be a death. And this season has felt like many small deaths and the subsequent grief that must follow to properly heal. 


This may all sound cryptic but the truth is, much of what I’m walking through is only privy to God and the people it involves and that’s ok. 

I’ve had to remind myself that as people on the outside looking in have judged me and my circumstance.

I’ve had to remind myself of what they’re not seeing and of the hope that I cling to every day…. 

The hope and the promises that God has given me in this season: That he is doing something entirely new! That he is making streams in the wastelands of my life and building a road to a place I’ve only imagined. 


And that I must properly let go and fully trust him, in order to move forward. He’s been gentle and so kind and his presence has never felt deeper. 


But I’d be lying if I said it hasn’t been a test of my faith. It’s been a daily choice, a daily seeking and daily re-commitment to trust and believe. I’ve discovered what faith really is in this season: believing for what is unseen even when it doesn’t make sense. 

And like the sun after a break in the rain, he’s turned my mourning into dancing. 



How. How do we seek? How do we trust? How do we believe even when it feels ridiculous?

For me it’s been a process and many days a discipline:

  1. Learning his voice [which, like in any relationship, takes time together and learning about each other] 
  2. Eliminating distractions [being intentional about regularly spending times in silence and in solitude to both pray and just listen
  3. Being honest with God about what is going on in my heart each time I pray  [I’ve found the more honest I am with God, no matter how ugly or messy it is, the more I experienced his presence and response] 

Faith isn’t a one size fits all walk and I believe we all experience God differently. He speaks to each of us in different ways – ways that resonate with us as individuals.

I don’t claim to have all the answers or the only way, but I can promise this:

God delivers. He shows up. I don’t know how or in what ways he’ll do that for you but I know that when we seek him [not just for what he can do for us and to get answers to our prayers, but to known him: who he is and what he’s like] with our whole heart, he shows up.  And many times, he shows off!

In my earnest pleas to know him- in crying out for him to show me how he feels for me, personally – God has made himself radically known to me in ways I cannot deny. And he wants to do the same for you.


When you’re Struggling to Care about What’s Happening in Iraq

The honest truth is, I felt numb to what their now calling a “Christian Genocide.”

I cannot even comprehend such suffering in my wrapped up pretty, over privileged North American Life. But while my mind can’t fathom the horror, my heart has less than stirred for my Christian Brothers and Sisters in Crisis. Why? I won’t go on a “cushioned life” tangent, but simply put, because I feel so far removed.


I’ve felt shame these past weeks; disgust with myself and the fact that my heart wasn’t breaking nor did I seem to really care. And so I kept quiet. Bound by the lies that I’m a joke of a Christian. That I don’t deserve to even call myself one. I’m a fraud. A sham.

…The perfect stomping grounds for the one who comes to lie, cheat, steal and destroy.

“Don’t even pretend you care by chiming in or share anything on social media! Don’t talk about it with others. That’s being a hypocrite!”

And so I didn’t. I’ve stayed quiet, for weeks; mute both inwardly and otwardly, afraid to even admit the truth to my Father.

I’ve watched from the sidelines as friends and mentors have shared updates, prayers and pleas for those suffering the unthinkable.

And then last night, God did what he always seems to resort to when this stubborn legalist can’t seem to remember what grace is.

DSC_0143 DSC_0107

I stumbled upon a video. The man shook and cried,

“There are people dying and no one seems to care! There is no help. There is no aid. How can we simply stand back and watch a genocide occur?! Please do something. Anything that you can. Pray!”

He pleaded with the camera and within seconds I felt the two-by-four of power overcome me. The Holy Spirit moved me to pray, words I hadn’t dared to utter until now.

“Lord, I don’t care. I want to but I don’t! I feel so awful even admitting that to you, but worse, pretending that you don’t already know! If anything is going to change, it needs to be you. Oh please Lord, change my heart. Give me the capacity to love like you do and move in me, so that the things that break yours pierce mine.”

I sat back, felt nothing and waited.

Because that’s the thing with our Father. When we come to him in sincerety, when we’re honest and confess, he is faithful to forgive us and slap the guilt right gone from us. And when we pray, in the vine for his will, does he surely not listen and answer?! Of course.

… in his time and his ways.  So I simply waited, trusting that he would do in me, what only he could do.


This morning I woke to this article and knew it was my answered prayer:  5 Things we can do right now, that will ACTUALLY help our brothers and sisters.

As I read, my heart beat fast and I could hardly finish before starting to pray… before wanting to share the article… before jumping to speak up using the gift of words he’s given me.

My heart change!

Yes he is capable of far more than we can ever ask or imagine. What is impossible with man is possible with God… even when it comes to renovations of the heart!


So while I cringe writing this, afraid of what you might think of me – That you might look down on me and think I’m less of a person; Less of a Christian- deep down, I wonder …. if sharing my truth is freeing to even one person, bound by the same guilt that I’ve felt.

That somewhere, you’re looking for a nudge – the permission to confess your numbness and move beyond silence to taking a stand.

This is it. You’re not a bad Christian. You are not unworthy to speak or to pray. Go to your Father who loves you. Seek and you will find!


Praying with you, my friend, for hearts that desire to cry out for our Christian Brothers and Sisters.

10/10 people die

Like countless times before, we followed the map and parked outside an unfamiliar home. With a sense of nervousness and unease, we inwardly analyzed the home…

Would we know by simply walking by their house? Do their neighbours know? What can be glean about them from the materialistic shell that houses them?

“I’ll park the car here and then you can run in.” Dave said. But my mind raced for what I’d say, coming up flat; ’cause nothing I could say would be right. And for this “miss fixit,” that’s not good enough.

The truth is, in cases like this, I most times put my foot in my mouth or say things that make me sound like a cold hearted idiot with her head in the clouds, kind of like those families who choose to sweep their [obvious and public] junk under the rug and pretend it’s not there, because dealing with it is just too painful or uncomfotable.

Jennie Allen

Yup, that’s me when it comes to tradegy, suffering and loss. But not because I’d rather be ignorant, but simply because I can’t relate.

When my baby brother passed away at six months old, I was six. And while I cannot blame that instance for my ways of coping altogether, I’d say they’ve shaped the way I handle grief more than I care to admit.  Around grief, my inner six year old puts up a protective shield to box my heart and chooses to believe life is like a storybook ; everything will be ok! I’d rather run through the fields in the other direction and frolic carelessly, than sit in silence shedding tears. I’d rather go on and get busy playing, to keep me from thinking and mask the pain with distraction.  It’s as if simply acknowledging, let alone realizing the weight of the situation, will somehow crush this tender child like soul and break it into a million pieces – an unreparable clay pot that forever leaks after being dropped. Yes, I’d prefer to wrap myself in invisible bubble wrap, bouncing reality off my imaginery six-year olds cape.

You’d think that at that very moment in my life, when I heard the words “It’s your brother. He’s passed away,” I stopped maturing in this facet of emotional coping.

I don’t know why I signed up to be a meal maker, making and delivering food to those in hardship. Somehow I thought it would be fun and my pretty cupcakes would somehow magically bring a smile that heals all wounds. But it’s been anything but and my naive optimism can only blind me for so long.  Each passing visit, gets harder.

My non-dealing and squeamish coping becomes more evident and what registers, is my innability to relate… or my desire to even want to. As if somewhere deep in my subcontious I believe I’ll be next if I get too close and register their pain.

So I’ll do anything to try and avoid going in… being the one to physically hand the meal over to those recieving it. Bringing me full circle to the point, where Dave gave me no choice but to do it and do it alone.

To be honest, it’s not my first time, but today it felt harder because this women was not afraid to talk. She wanted to share how she was feeling, the details of her experience, the all consuming grief that surrounds her family. And this lady [me] can do nothing but stare blankly, with “Im so sorry’s” on repeat and an inner mantra begging me to think of something else to say! I leave kicking myself, repeating every stupid thing I said and all I didn’t but should’ve.

I wish that day had been different and I had news of some great revealtion in how to comfort. But what I did glean was the discovery of something different; hope and joy in Christ beyond circumstance.

“Compared to whats coming, living conditions around here seem like a stop over in an unfinished shack… We’ve been given a glimpse of the real thing, our true home, our resurrection bodies. The Spirit of God whets our appetite by giving us a taste of what’s ahead. He puts a little of heaven in our hearts so that we’ll never settle for less.” 2 Corinthians 5: 2-5

This woman takes things day by day , focusing on what’s in front of her- tasks, people and sensations. She trusts in God, moment by moment, for the strength to get through every day- to do what she needs to do and do it with hope for tomorrow and joy. Because all she has right infront of her is this moment and it alone, no different than you or I.

“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.” Romans 8:18

“God wants us to hope-  hope in something bigger; way bigger than today! He desires for us to believe in Him and the place that he is preparing for us… to actually hope in it and dare I say it, LIVE for it.” Jennie Allen

But instead I trust in myself, my talents and God given capabilities. I seek the council and worldly advice of others, just like myself. I listen to preachers, speakers and evangelists, running to them rather than their own teacher. And subconciously, I spend my days chasing the shiny luster this world offers- things, achievement, money, influence- the plea to matter and make a difference. Don’t we all, when we’re brutally honest with ourselves?

But on that day, when we get the news that the end is drawing near, [because not one of us is exempt and statistics show 10/10 of us will die], will any of that matter or have the magical power to save us from our predicament?

What would I do, how would I react, who would I run to? No doubt none of the above, but simply….stop. pray.  and God above.

So, why do I trust in the frivolous and freeting things of this world now? Will it take tradgedy for me to lean on him completely?

If I was diagnosed tomorrow with terminal cancer, how would I change? Let’s not wait to find out, but do it now.