Where the Battle’s Won | When your mourning turns to dancing

Over the past few months, life has felt heavy. 

In addition to taking one of the biggest leaps of faith I’ve ever taken, having no clue what the future holds for me, we’re walking through one of the most intense seasons of our marriage yet. Thankfully were on the assent from the valley and the peak of the mountain is in sight. 


On top of that, this new stage of motherhood – moving from babyhood to toddlertown- has proved to reveal many of my weaknesses on a daily basis. Where joy once came easy in every moment,  I’ve found myself having to fight for it and be intentional in choosing it throughout my days. I’ve needed far more help than I ever imagined and I’ve battled guilt and shame over failed expectations of what I’d be like as a mother. 

And then there’s Thursdays, my favourite day of the week as I welcome some of the women closest to my heart into my home. Together we wrestle and grow and encourage and laugh. And while it’s beautiful and profound what happens each week, we’ve been working through the most intense study yet. It’s uncovered deep personal struggles in all of us and we’ll, lets just say that while the intensity isn’t anything I shy away from, it, added to my other realities, has felt back breaking some weeks. 

Over all, my heart has hurt for all the brokenness and suffering in and around me. I’ve had to grieve losses for myself and for others. I’ve had to sit in the darkness of my emotions and not run from them, so that eventually, I could bury them and move on.

I’ve learnt that with every new beginning, there must first be a death. And this season has felt like many small deaths and the subsequent grief that must follow to properly heal. 


This may all sound cryptic but the truth is, much of what I’m walking through is only privy to God and the people it involves and that’s ok. 

I’ve had to remind myself that as people on the outside looking in have judged me and my circumstance.

I’ve had to remind myself of what they’re not seeing and of the hope that I cling to every day…. 

The hope and the promises that God has given me in this season: That he is doing something entirely new! That he is making streams in the wastelands of my life and building a road to a place I’ve only imagined. 


And that I must properly let go and fully trust him, in order to move forward. He’s been gentle and so kind and his presence has never felt deeper. 


But I’d be lying if I said it hasn’t been a test of my faith. It’s been a daily choice, a daily seeking and daily re-commitment to trust and believe. I’ve discovered what faith really is in this season: believing for what is unseen even when it doesn’t make sense. 

And like the sun after a break in the rain, he’s turned my mourning into dancing. 



How. How do we seek? How do we trust? How do we believe even when it feels ridiculous?

For me it’s been a process and many days a discipline:

  1. Learning his voice [which, like in any relationship, takes time together and learning about each other] 
  2. Eliminating distractions [being intentional about regularly spending times in silence and in solitude to both pray and just listen
  3. Being honest with God about what is going on in my heart each time I pray  [I’ve found the more honest I am with God, no matter how ugly or messy it is, the more I experienced his presence and response] 

Faith isn’t a one size fits all walk and I believe we all experience God differently. He speaks to each of us in different ways – ways that resonate with us as individuals.

I don’t claim to have all the answers or the only way, but I can promise this:

God delivers. He shows up. I don’t know how or in what ways he’ll do that for you but I know that when we seek him [not just for what he can do for us and to get answers to our prayers, but to known him: who he is and what he’s like] with our whole heart, he shows up.  And many times, he shows off!

In my earnest pleas to know him- in crying out for him to show me how he feels for me, personally – God has made himself radically known to me in ways I cannot deny. And he wants to do the same for you.



Delayed Obedience is Disobedience | When God is Silent

Our friends used to say this to their kids, as they taught them about integrity and the value of doing what you say you’ll do – being of your word.

Delayed Obedience is Disobedience.


It wasn’t until yesterday that I put myself in their shoes and realized how many times I’ve disobeyed God, wrongfully believing that if I eventually got around to doing what he had told me – if I knew I’d eventually get to it – then I was good.

The truth is, I’ve kept one foot in and one foot out for months – six to be exact.

Fear of the unknown, my desire to have a pretty answer for people and my need for control, all kept me from moving when God had showed me clearly He path he wanted me to walk.

But it was narrow, foggy and completely un blazed. So I walked to the entrance gate and hung out there for a while, slowing taking one step forward and two steps back.

It’s been a forward progress, but a timid and slow one.

I’ve delayed starting the treck, walking from the path I know to a new unknown one- one I feel completely ill equipped for. I packed my bags and mentally prepared, but I’d yet to start the journey.


Yesterday, after six months of God’s silence on the matter, I realized my wrong; my delayed disobedience.

“Why are you not answering me Lord?” as I demanded more from him, one ridiculous fleece after the other. “If this happens, then God must want this.” I’d say.
All the while, unrest and anxiety heavy upon me.

And finally his silence broke.

“I told you already, child. Why are you still asking me?
I told you in September my anointing (blessing) is no longer on this and if you continue down this path, you will be doing it in your strength. I have other plans for you.”

But I wanted him to show me what!

I wanted assurance that what I was about to gain was better than what I was leaving behind.

He had shown me the door, given me the keys, but I wanted the map and a GPS.


Because what I had – what I had build – I had done with all my heart, mind and soul. I’d given it 1000% of me and all for His Glory!

But truth is, I knew long ago this chapter was almost over. I felt it in my bones.

And yet, in his patience and gentleness, God humoured me. He let me come to my senses and see my wrong for myself. He didn’t have to; He’s God!

He could have ripped it from my hands. He could have turned everything upside down or hit me over the head with it again and again until I listened.

Instead, he lovingly sat with me and waited in kind silence, like a father would.


Today I finally listened.
It took 20 seconds of insane courage, admitting my disobedience and taking the first step towards obedience. It was hard, it was humbling and some what sad. But I know this, more than anything else:

God’s plans are always better than mine.

The greatest things in life never came easy; they came through surrender.

The Drug of this World

You have given me the capacity to hear and obey, a more valuable service than burnt offerings or sin offerings, which you do not require ~ Psalm 40:6

Jesus came that we might be free from the law of the old testament. He made a new way for us, one that did not require us to strive or keep rules inorder to save ourselves. Why? Because God knew the impossibilitiy of it. He knew we would misably miss the mark time and time again.

Daily devotional

If it were up to us, we’d seek our freedom and wholeness in Christ by means of measily effort, which pails in comparison to the invinciple power of our Father, God. We’d do things our way, using the pea size knowledge and understanding we have of this world, God, his character and his ways. We ‘d give 1000% of our human talents, abilities and strength, only to become weary and faint, when instant victory did not lie around the corner. And eventually, we run ourselves ragged trying, becoming hopeless, faint in our doing and turn running from God, resentful that he allowed this to happen when we were doing everything we could to “do good.”

In a blunt nutshell, we see that our striving [aka: burnt or sin offerings] is fruitless and will never lead us where God desires – rather in circles, until we finally come to the end of ourselves and beg God for help.

Sadly, today, this is how many of us come to know and experience God truly for the first time. And all the while God had watched us, spinning in our “doing”, our trying” and our “worrying”, saying,

“Child, will you just stop already? I’ve got this. Trust me. I do not need your help. My plans are good, always and my ways are greater. You may not understand just yet, why or how, but in due time you will see. All you need do is seek me, whole heatedly and listen. I will show you the way. Do only that which I ask of you, but until then, be still. “

God invites us into a relationship of intimacy and freindship, one where we can linger in each others company. He will listen, comfort and answer our  us. But in respect, he asks the same.

In life, through every circumstance, God does not expect us to figure it out on our own. He begs us to ask him what he wants and do only that which he reveals; for he’ll do all the rest and our “getting in the way” will only prolong, derail or stear his plan off course.

For his ways or not our ways and his thoughts are not our thoughts. How than can we ever be expected to figure out our messes, our junk- heck, our daily priorities? He sees things so much different and he wants to show us why. He needs only a willing heart, that will stop “doing” long enough, to be still, ask and listen.

Lord, help us to believe and know that you are the master of our lives. You have not asked for a copilot, but simply a passanger to enjoy the ride. Give us the desire and persistence it takes, to seek you whole heardetly for the answers, and the courage it takes to wait patiently for the steps you’d have us walk. Hold onto us with both arms, for we fear we’ll run ahead of you. We declare that while your plans may not yet be understood or fully revealed, we know that they are good and we want to simply walk in your will. Give us everything we need to do just that, to do it with joy, regardless of our circumstance.

A hint of who you might be

Lately, my minds been whirling with new heart discoveries, a shift in my thinking and focus and the realities of feeling a new season of life approaching.

Truth be told, Dave and I have been sensing this change for a bit now- the soft, steady push into a new and unknown stage of life. We feel as if we’ve left the young adult stage and suddenly entered adult-ville. And the reality of the unknown is, it can be scary.

What do I know of Holy

No longer do your decisions affect only tomorrow or the next year. But in their place are ramifications on your future and the future of your one- day children. The decisions we make today, have the potential to guide and shape the course of our lives in very distinct ways.

While in the midst of my busiest season of work, we’ve been given opportunity after opportunity to put our faith to action and lean on God, with full force and might. Resisting temptation. Weeding out the “lesser good options” in an effort to stay focused on what matters most. And most unnerving [for me anyway] is multiple new opportunities – big choices that effect our home life and our professional lives, for potentially the next 10-20 years.

The reality is i’m scared and anxious. We and I alone, have made choices in the past that were not God’s will and without fail, God revealed each time, we’d taken paths not meant for us. We’d gone into territory and ventures, he had not anointed us for. We’ve learnt our lesson and vowed to do everything we can, in trust, prayer and faith, to move only where we feel God is calling us. But here’s the thing… it requires  trust, patience and faith- fulling leaning on God and not our own abilities, foresight and judgement.

God has made is vastly clear,  this year in particular, that even when I think I “get it”, and see what he’s doing, I’m always slightly off course and never see the picture crystal clear. Why? Because his plans are always SO MUCH better than I could ever conjure up on my own- they’re more joyful than I can usually anticipate- and in reality, they most times cause me anxiety as I anticpate all “I need to do” and “is expected of me.”  **Yes. I’m laughing with you at my ridiculous “I got this God” ways!!

See my problem.. I’m still learning to let go.

But the beauty in that reality is that with each finger I lift, and slowly release the grip of my control, I see God more clearly. His glory shines brighter and His power magnifies.

Yesterday, the words of a song I’ve listened to a million times, pierced my heart as if I heard them for the very first time…

I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven, But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small. I never feared You at all!
If You touched my face would I know You? Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page

Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

-Addison Road | What do I know of Holy

And before I knew it, I was drowning in tears of repentance for my self-reliance, yet again. For putting him in a Box and thinking his ways were not mysterious. For thinking my relationship was alright when half the time I talk WAY TOO much and then run off to “do another thing or make a decision!” I must be getting close to the “end of myself,” no?!

I have far from discovered what it truly means to fear you, my father. But I will not focus on where I need to go, but rejoice in how far I’ve come, because of you and your patient refining.  You will surely complete the work you have started, in me….


PS: To remind  us how good, merciful and trustworthy our God is, Dave and I started a thanksgiving cup.  Each time God answers our prayers, whether it’s little or big, we write it down and full the cup. In times of doubt, uncertainty and overwhelm, we can come back and see just how much God loves us and cares around every little thing that concerns us! Nothing is too big or too small to bring to God.

“You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. You honor me by anointing my head with oil. My cup overflows with blessings. ” Psalm 23:5

Made to Crave

We desire desperately to hear from Jesus. We want to mature as passionate Christian women and seek him whole heartedly. We want to FEEL him-  his presence in our lives. So, We pray diligently that he would create a hunger in us – an unwavering flame of enthusiasm for his word and to be in close relationship with him. Because it’s in this place that we feel most alive and on fire with true propose and intent for our life. Can I get an Amen?!
Our prayers are fervent, heartfelt and sometimes loud [I tend to have a personal flair for the dramatic from time to time], but when our prayers come back “unanswered” and we lack the “God luster ” we were hoping for, we fall frustrated to our knees kicking and screaming…..
“Why God!? I want to experience you like never before. I’m ready!”

But to experience something we’ve never felt before [even if it’s simply an intensity we’ve yet to reach], we must do what we’ve never yet done! We fail, many times to see, that we ourselves are usually the problem.

In order to see God, hear him and experience him deeper, we must seek him like never before- with everything we’ve got and every desire we own. But as in most worthwhile pursuits, to seek something diligently, with gazelle intensity, passion and focus, we must first hunger for it, deny it and eventually crave it. And until we crave it, to the point where everything else ceases to exist before it, we won’t pursue it with everything we’ve got.

Faith Size of Mustard Seed
Think about it: You’re on a new health kick, perhaps a diet or new fitness regime. You’ve planned to kick the sugar cravings square in the noggin and work out 3x a week consistently. Day one you’re golden. You’ve got this and you’re determined. Day two you wake with enthusiasm but by 8pm, you’re willing bed to come, if only to kill the hunger pains. Day three brings with it struggle; you’re enthusiasm is wavering and you’re starting to feel bored with the cheesless, sauceless variation of salad you’re munching. Not to mention your butt and thighs are killing and you’ve discovered muscles you didn’t know you had, again! Then thursday roles around and you’re downright soar, frustrated , cranky and feeling deprived.
You think, “well I’ve been good for three whole days and I’m already feeling better! A little rest will do my body good. I’ll be more motivated and ready to work harder tomorrow.” And before you know it, you’ve succumb to an evening on the couch. Next up, the famous DQ commercial, with it’s rich, silky blizzards and it’s delicious up-side down trick. In no time, your minds racing and thoughts of grabbing your car keys won’t stop swirling. You might deny it a few times, but quickler than the average sitcom, you’re on your way and drooling until your fantasy becomes a reality and your scarfing the ice cream classic. [Is it obvious I’m speaking from experience?!]

The fact is you caved FAR too easy and failed miserably at the first sign of temptation and testing. A big ol’ F is what you deserve. You gave into your fleshly craving for instant gratification and comfort in food, while forfeiting the potential to create a hunger and craving for the benefits and joy of a healthier lifestyle.  In the end, that new routine would bring you victory and you gave up, before you were barely out the gate!

My friend, meet your flesh. The tricky, manipulative, devil on your shoulder thats derails much of our good intentions.

By feeding your flesh, you’ve killed the hunger before it’s barely begun and without the development of hunger you’ll never develop a craving for anything other than what you’re giving into now.

Our flesh fights hard because it knows there’s victory in overcoming it. When we deny ourself, embrace our weakness and struggles and bear it, we are walking in obedience with our Lord.

 “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.” Luke 9:23

Because until we’ve come to experience trials with perseverance and learnt to anticpate them with acceptance, well never come to know victory in our lives.

God never promised Life would be easy. In fact be promised the opposite, cause  he’s more concerned with our condition than our comfort! He comes to Comfort the afflict and afflict the comfortable.

The  greatest things in life are worth  fighting for and it’s in the battle for them that we come to know joy and learn to dance amoung the rain! You had to experience the bad before you can appreciate the good for all it’s worth. You can’t comfort until you can relate and you don’t see Jesus until you see your need for him. It takes facing the ugly, plowing through with preserverance and trusting God to deliver us, before we can reap the reward of our harvest. Victory comes through battle, not a dodge around the puddle.

” Joseph was a strikingly handsome man. As time went on, his master’s wife became infatuated with Joseph and one day said, “Sleep with me.” He wouldn’t do it. He said to his master’s wife, “Look, with me here, my master doesn’t give a second thought to anything that goes on here—he’s put me in charge of everything he owns. He treats me as an equal. The only thing he hasn’t turned over to me is you. You’re his wife, after all! How could I violate his trust and sin against God?” She pestered him day after day after day, but he stood his ground. He refused to go to bed with her.” Genesis 39:6-10

Take Joseph as a perfect example. He was tempted daily, persistently by someone of major influence to sin against God and his master. And despite the calling of his flesh [let’s be honest. He’s a man after all and she’s a beautiful woman adorned from head to tow in riches and beauty] he denied himself, each and every day with poise and determination, not giving in or even entertaining the thought. [Your mind is your greatest battlefield] He stood strong in his faith, not letting time and repeated testing wear him down.

When your flesh fights hard, whether its your desire to quit, give up or give in, fight back and lean into God with all you’ve got. Ask him to give you what you need to not stumble and to resist  with Joy, considering trial a blessing, knowing the other side is worth the fight. After all Messiah, starts with the word M-E-S-S.

It’s time we own the fact we need him and stop entering battle alone.

Fruit of the Spirit

Like that God sized void the world is desperately trying to fill with everything other than God himself, we, as his children need to stop killing our hunger for him, by feeding our flesh before it’s barely thirsty. Cause when we’re full on everything else we’ll never have room for him.

We were made to crave, but in a world of plenty- of abundance and excess- we far too often live as the world does, stuffing our desires and feeding our cravings, with the longings of our flesh, rather than it’s true cries answer- Jesus.

  • We run to food for both pleasure and comfort before coming to him in petition or thanksgiving
  • We turn on the tv to “rejuvenate and relax” before opening our bible or resting in his presence through prayer
  • We push to meet our “goals for the future” rather than seeking his will for today
  • We rush to meet our deadlines, rather than helping our neighbour take up her groceries
  • We busy ourselves working for God, rather than taking time to know him
  • We seek acceptance from everyone else before the vary one who made us
  • We reach to be worthy, heard and important before tending to his basic command to love others above ourselves
  • We compare and justify our sin against others rather than repenting to find freedom
  • We schedule in our meetings, our date nights and our coffee, but “fit in” our bible study and our prayer time
  • We give in to our cravings, fall off band wagons and fail miserably because we’re determined to do it in our own strength, rather than in his
What we lack among many things, is self-control  to push past our discomforts, to be be diligent in our prayers and persisent in our quest to get our strength from God alone.

“You are already living as God has taught you, but try even harder! Don’t be a slave of your desires or live like people who don’t know God.” 1 Thessalonians 4:1,5

Pray with me, won’t you: Lord God, temptation surrounds me everyday. Like Joseph, may my heart be yours, so I will refuse to sin against you. Help me to see my areas of weakness and struggle for what they are and reveal to me any ways, in which I have sinned against you. Fill my heart with such love and reverence for you, that I may resist temptation, have self-control and the will-power to not cave to my fleshly desires, keeping my body, your home, pure, clean and holy before you. I specifically pray for ___________[voice your area of struggle at the moment]. Thank you that in you I have victory. I praise you and thank you in advance for helping me overcome this struggle. Amen!

His ways are Higher

I’m been struggling to know what season of life I’m in right now; so desperately, that I half knowingly over analyze every “sign,” encounter and days happening, in an attempt to understand just what Gods doing right now and what he’s preparing me for.

My intentions are good. Honestly.  But my instinctive, “Give me the steps and I’ll master it yesterday!” is a gene that both blesses and curses me.

I want nothing more than to be in Gods will and do everything within my ability, or that which he asks of me, to prepare myself to walk in it. My earnest desire and hunger to hear from God and know him more intimately is a good thing, but I have to remember that it’s not in what I can do, but in what has already been done for me…

“Now God has us where he wants us, with all the time in this world and the next to shower grace and kindness upon us in Christ Jesus. Saving is all his idea, and all his work. All we do is trust him enough to let him do it. It’s God’s gift from start to finish! We don’t play the major role. If we did, we’d probably go around bragging that we’d done the whole thing! No, we neither make nor save ourselves. God does both the making and saving. He creates each of us by Christ Jesus to join him in the work he does, the good work he has gotten ready for us to do, work we had better be doing.” ~ Ephesians 2:8 MSG

In trying to make sense of it all,  [ie: attempting to feel somewhat in control of something I have absolutely none over, while simultaneously learning to give God the reign of my life and love it… what an oxymoron that is!] I’ve done nothing but frustrate myself!  Because the fact of the matter is, I’ll never fully understand God’s ways and he never promised to lay out the road map in full.

“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the LORD. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways.” ~Isaiah 55:8-9


Today, after seeing my pointless frustration, God showed his mercy and kindness. He revealed a glimpse of where I am and where he’s taking me, through the life of King Solomon. I can relate so passionately to his personal lament and reflections on his life…

“I said to myself, “Come on, let’s try pleasure. Let’s look for the ‘good things’ in life.” But I found that this, too, was meaningless…I decided to cheer myself with wine. And while still seeking wisdom, I clutched at foolishness. In this way, I tried to experience the only happiness most people find during their brief life in this world. I also tried to find meaning by building huge homes for myself and by planting beautiful vineyards.  I made gardens and parks, filling them with all kinds of fruit trees.  I built reservoirs to collect the water to irrigate my many flourishing groves.  I bought slaves, both men and women, and others were born into my household. I also owned large herds and flocks, more than any of the kings who had lived in Jerusalem before me.  I collected great sums of silver and gold, the treasure of many kings and provinces. I hired wonderful singers, both men and women, and had many beautiful concubines. I had everything a man could desire!.. Anything I wanted, I would take. I denied myself no pleasure. I even found great pleasure in hard work, a reward for all my labors. But as I looked at everything I had worked so hard to accomplish, it was all so meaningless—like chasing the wind. There was nothing really worthwhile anywhere.” Ecclesiastes 2:1-11

Oh, Lord, this is me! This is the path I walked down for years, my very story and where you’ve brought me to this very day. From a young age, I witnessed the ups and downs of entrepreneurial life, living with my self- employed parents. While it’s rewards were joyful at times, they saw more hours of “busy” and “I can’t, I have to work,” that I care to remember. So I vowed to never go there, running far the other direction. I’d still make something of myself, but with personal pleasure as my mantra.  But still it left me empty. No Party, shopping, drink or “friend” fulfilled me. There had to be more…  So in vain I turned a corner, a new leaf of wisdom, I believed. There had to be more…So, I decided to conquer the world.  I wanted money, influence, status and possessions. I chased accomplishments after accomplishment, always raising the bar and never satisfied. Around the next bend I’d find my identity, my worth and life’s true meaning. But still it left me empty, even more so this time round. For as much as I thoroughly love my work and can say every experience has helped shaped the person I am today, my pursuit was for something unattainable and ultimately meaningless in the grand scheme of things. Perfectionism, my friend is impossible. And everything we have, but love, will be left behind.

I knew in my heart, at the closing of 2012, I was at the end of me. It was time to fully surrender. To move beyond being a baby Christian, asking God what he could do for me, to a mature Christian, asking God what I could do for him! 2013 was my year to put my money where my mouth was, and allow God more than just my good intentions, but  all of me- my heart, my will and my desires…

While he may not have revealed the entire blue print to my future, I can rest in confidence that his plan is at work in me. I have assurance I’m walking down the right path and so long as I keep my eyes cast upon him, he will make straight my path!

“The Lord makes firm the steps of the one who delights in him; though he may stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand.” ~ Psalm 37: 23-24

 “So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.” ~ James 1:4

More concerned

Though uncomfortable at times and unfamiliar, [the old me thrived on busy, bigger, and self-sufficiency] this season in my life is essential and God will surely use it to refine my heart and produce in me a steadfast focus on him and his good, perfect and pleasing will.

“There’s an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth:

A right time for birth and another for death,
A right time to plant and another to reap,
A right time to kill and another to heal,
A right time to destroy and another to construct,
A right time to cry and another to laugh,
A right time to lament and another to cheer,
A right time to make love and another to abstain,
A right time to embrace and another to part,
A right time to search and another to count your losses,
A right time to hold on and another to let go,
A right time to rip out and another to mend,
A right time to shut up and another to speak up,
A right time to love and another to hate,
A right time to wage war and another to make peace” ~ Ecclesiastes 3 MSG

This is my time to…

    • die …. to my fleshly desires
    • tear down… the chains, walls and bondage that I’ve allowed to build up and keep me from all God has planned for me
    • weep… for the pain my sin has cause and see it’s brutality in the light of Christ
    • embrace.. . my weaknesses and my story, seeing it beautiful and useable for good by God
    • shut up … listen more than I speak, to Gods promptings and the council of others who have stayed the course of the path I’m travelling
    • search… for God with my whole heart earnestly and with persistence, like never before

But most importantly, this is my time to plant…. seeds of truth, love and light into my mind and heart, so that God’s promises and word can embed and begin to grow and expand into an unshakable, deep rooted system of nourishment and eternal life. 

Patience, dear Kailey. In due time, his time, you will reap a plentiful harvest, abundant and free flowing.

“And be not conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what is good and acceptable- the perfect will of God.” ~ Romans 12:2

A burning hunger

One of my many take aways from the She Loves Conference, were three of Lisa Bevere‘s books; “You aren’t what you weigh,” “Out of Control and Loving it” and finally, “The Measure of a Woman”. I fell in love with Lisa as she spoke throughout the weekend- her frank boldness, her quirky, unapologetic demeanour and her unbashful love of serving God and empowering women to do the same…

Funny thing is, I bought the books before hearing her speak and to be quite honest, I had never heard of her. I walked into the conference, unknowingly nearly 2 hours early and found myself perusing the book store. I felt led to these books and despite putting them down multiple times, felt compelled to buy them. I didn’t know why these three….. until I opened the first page of book one and started to cry.

I had gone to the conference expecting to hear from God, nearly demanding that he reveal himself to me. My nerves were on full unrest; I knew full well, a revealation was coming… I would not be the same woman walking out, as I was the woman walking in.

I devoured the first book in less than 48 hours, [unheard of for me! I’m a slow reader and I can’t bare to sit still reading unless in bed or the beach] feeling as though a veil was being torn from my eyes. I saw myself, my bondage, my sin and God’s character in a whole new light. I had work to do and it was time to set things straight… to put God before everything else, including myself, my business and my social life.

put all things together

After seeking guidance and wisdom in prayer, in became clear I needed to do a fast, but not that which you would typically think, food. I needed to fast of the distractions in my life- the things that keep me from seeking God throughout the day- the things I put before him – the things that keep his will at bay, in favour of my own, despite my best efforts for the prior.

While everyone’s distractions are different, mine became clear: Social Media , the internet, TV and Movies, coffee, wine, makeup, mirrors, comparing and a few food vices [chocolate, chips and ice cream]. For one week, I clearred the clutter entirely, cold turkey and sought God whole heartedly, like never before.

“Yet even now,” declares the Lord, “return to me with all your heart, with fasting, with weeping, and with mourning” ~ Joel 2:12

While I can in full honesty say I was a little scared, my desire to hear from God was stronger.. almost like a dull, burning, nagging hunger. I had no idea how I would “fill” my days, but as with the conference, went into it fully expecting answers- that God would reveal himself in a whole new way. And that he did….

scary prayers

I prayed. I read my bible. I went for long walks. I ran, played with my poochy on the ground and visited with neighbours I never seem to find the time to see. I listened to worship music, I journalled and journalled some more. I read two whole books! And as if he were sitting beside me, I heard from God.

He revealed my deepest fears; the things that were holding me back. He shone light into my darkest areas and powerfully broke chains from my past- both in my doing and done to me. He healed me. He loved me. He spoke… his love became real like never before.

My love for my husband deepender and my appreciation grew for who he is, his strengths and all that he adds to our marriage and this world. I saw the areas I needed to serve him better, as his wife and partner and ways he served me so willingly that I had taken for granted.

I experienced food for what it is truly meant to be… nurishment and community, not the idol I had made it in my life. It does not define me, my worth is not wrapped up in how much or little I eat nor does it determine my mood. [I battled an eating disorder for most of my youth and while I’ve managed to subside its harmful physical affects, it’s still held me slave mentally for years. More on this later] He broke the chains, restored my metablosism and brought life to my tampered digestive system.

But the most powerful revelation was what I discovered in turning my back to social media. Its rewards more prominent and life changing than I imagined…

this blessed day

In the time I spend “away from the world,” it’s opinions, it’s busyness and it’s expectations, I experienced life, full and vibrant, like never before… even in the simple, quiet moments. I felt more alive than ever, my mind stayed focused on God and his will for my life, I stopped comparing myself and my business to other people ENTIRELY, I didn’t get off course from my mission and goals, I listened and had more meaningful conversations than I can count on two hands, I saw God every where, every single moment and I heard from him, clearly, audiably.

“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will.” ~ Romans 12:2 

Ground breaking, life altering revealations, my friends.

Even more so, he removed the desires of my heart, that were not my own and were holding me back from all he has planned for me. And in turn, filled me from the inside with a deep sense of belonging, contentent and new found focus for him- One more refined, heightened and alert than I’ve ever experienced.

Coming back to reality, I see the world a new, with eyes opened to the distractions that keep me from becoming the person he wants me to be and I carefully pray about bouncing back full hilt.

I’ve lost my desire for social media, nearly all together. It puts the created on a pedistol, rather than the creator and keeps my eyes focused on this world, rather than on him. And as wonderful as it is to stay connected with friends and colleuges afar, it taunts my weakness of feeling like I’m not enough, that I should be doing this or that instead of what I’m doing or causes me to spend more time in peoples’ words rather than HIS word….

I haven’t fully reintegrated and I’m still slowly but surely processing all he revealed in my week of fasting, but what I can say is this… if your striving, struggling or intent on knowing God more intimately, I would encourage you to break away for a while. Cut loose from the distractions [all of them] that keep you from seeking God with your whole heart…

Put your money where your mouth is and act BIG. Show him your serious and demand he reveal himself to you. He promises that…

“You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” ~ Jeremiah 29:13