When God shows up at ER

I spent last night in the ER. I did a number to my finger. Needless to say, I didn’t want to be there.

It wasn’t how I envisioned my evening. I had planned to hunker down with “Call the Midwife,” a glass of vino and build IKEA furniture for my elderly neighbour.

Now I was here, in the Rapid Assessment Zone.

My Doctor has told me ample times to avoid walk ins and ER’s at all cost. Ive heard his horror stories about bad docs, wrong diagnosis’ and botched surgeries- so, I prayed continuously to ease the anxiety:

Get me in quick. Give me the best doctor possible. Give them full knowledge of the issue and how best to proceed.” Simple and to the point, but It gave me peace.

A young ER doc walked in. He was cold but did the job. At one point, he admitted he couldn’t see the full extent of the damage and wanted a second opinion, but no specialist was available. Neither was the one on call. So, I prayed again:

Give him discernment, Lord – tell him what to do.

He made an executive decision and went with it. I felt peace.

“I’ll give you the number of a specialist to follow up with in a few days. Be right back.”

Then he returned.

“Did you say your GP’s name is this?”

“Yes,” I replied. He grinned large…

“Oh, just go see him! He’ll know what to do. He specializes in practically everything.”

I felt relief. And then he added:

“And he trained me! I graduated under him.”

I laughed out loud… Of course he did!! Three cities away, in the middle of the burbs and my city-dwelling doctor gave this guy his stamp of approval- quite literally. God clearly has a sense of humour.

We shared a good laugh and I had him write his name on a piece of paper. I knew My doctor would want to know who stitched me up.

I might be biased, but I trust no one like my own doctor. He has years of training and he runs a department of a large city hospital- plus he trains other doctors. He’s legit. So when I’m out of his care, I worry. And believe me, I have reason to…. I’ve been the bad case study and the one who slipped through the cracks. I couldn’t have my doctor, but God gave me second best. Plus I was in and out of ER in under 2.25 hours.. their average is 5!

A glass water bottle is the culprit. It shattered in my hand and got down to my bone. I cut an artery and nicked a nerve. Needless to say, it was a blood bath and my two year old, bore witness. It’s wasn’t pretty.

I’m grateful for community who came running. My nurse Neighbour examined me and my girlfriend played house while I was gone. She even cleaned the murder scene!

The full extent of damage is not known yet. I won’t know for at least a few days. I would love your prayers though: for nerve growth, for full recovery of functionality and speedy healing.




When you desire to be fully Christ’s, body, mind and soul.

I woke up with a day to myself before me. My daughter was with her nama (grandma) and wouldn’t be home until evening.

Immediately, I knew I needed to spend the day alone with God, resting, praying, listening. I needed quiet and slow, allow solitude to nurture me back to health emotionally and physically.


Not only was I emotionally fried from weeks of walking a new season of life- one full of new work and new burdens that feel far to0 heavy to carry- but also physically fried. I’d hardly eaten in over a month and my lack of health had led to a poor immense system. Now I’m lying in bed weak and unable to do much anything; bone weary, shaky and light headed.

I felt weak emotionally and physically and I knew the place to start with restoration was spiritually; to connect back with the one who made me and knows me intimately, inside and out. 

I began simply by speaking what was on my heart- thanksgiving for all he had been doing and the ways he had prepared me for this exact moment in time, in my life, in history. I no longer doubted myself or Him. His plan was underway and the things he spoke and imprinted on my heart ten years ago, were starting to unfold. This was the beginning and I knew it without question. 


As fast as the thanksgiving poured out, the worry began. The fears next, but mostly the regret – the guilt that had consumed me for the past month. I lay it all out before God and confessed that while my heart and soul belonged to him, my body- physically- had not yet been redeemed and found home in him.

And like a revelation, I suddenly saw it: for years I have hated my physical body, beating it into submission trying to silence it’s voice. I had shamed her (my body) for not being what I wanted in each moment, whether that’s for vanities sake or the sake of wanting to be and do a million things yesterday. 

And then the vision came.

A picture formed in my mind of me walking- marching actually through life- dragging a dead weight body behind me, limp and dying; like Christ carrying the cross to calvary. Every so often I would turn and beat her, flog this body- my body- with a strap.

The little girl in me recognizes the body as herself and there I am dragging her and beating her for not being good enough, what I need her to be; for not being perfect. 


While God has changed my heart dramatically in regards to chasing perfect, I realize I’ve applied grace to every area of my life exact the physical.

Somewhere down the line I had divorced my physical body and cast her aside, refusing to see her any longer as important and part of me. I

n her place- one I used to lift up and idolize- I’d replace her with things of holiness and righteousness. Except how can one divorce their physical when it is the temple of The Holy Spirit? The home of the very one to whom my heart belongs?

God knit my body together in my mother’s wombs and then placed his Spirit within me. All of me is of him made in His image;  the spiritual and the physical, the soul and the body. And he declared it good. All good.

While God has healed me of my eating disorder and body image struggles,  I suddenly see in this vision that I’m still hating the work of his hand; his unique masterpiece, my body.

I’ve been blaming her, judging her and shaming her for being so weak and carnal. I used to beat her up for being addicted, trying to hide her brokenness- food, sex, exercise and busyness. And here I am continuing to see her as bad and evil- the enemy -who led me into temptation and into bondage for so much of my life. Who, if i’m not careful, will lead me back there; one who can’t be trusted.

All I’d done is deflect the anger I used to beat my now healed heart up with, to my body.

I’d chosen to forgot about her, declare her good as dead to me and carried on with the rest of my life.

While food, exercise and body image no longer control me, I’ve abandoned all her felt needs along with it- mainly physical rest and proper nutrition.

Sure I eat, but it’s not enough and not what’s best; only what’s easy because I can’t be bothered to care enough. I’ve thrown her scraps as she sits at the masters table.

Sure I rest and have learnt to embrace slow, but I’ve been far more focused on caring for my mind and my spirit than the physical. I haven’t given her enough sleep or physical rest on my sabbath. Like a mom who’s just given birth and heads into the trenches of motherhood; depleted and deprived.

And consequently, like the apps constantly running in the background of my iPhone, my body is no longer working properly. I am malfunctioning and short circuiting.

My lack of heath is effecting every function of my life and being. I need a reset. 


I turned on worship music- the playlist that somehow always brings me low; low in humility and I palpably feel the presence of my Lord and Saviour. I lay down on the floor and listen and wait. With my eyes closed I begin to feel myself respond.

In my minds eye I can see myself kneeling at the feet of Jesus, gripping his ankles with tears spilling down my face and onto his feet. I’m rocking back and forth, wailing in confession, when a sudden awareness of his love consumes me. I can feel it. And while I rock there telling him of all my wrong and bad, I can sense his acceptance and delight in me. Like he doesn’t see it or he doesn’t care. 

How can he love a wretch like me, I think; a broken, hysterical, mess of a woman like me?! Somehow he loves me and even delights in me regardless. But how and why? I cry in overwhelm now at the love and beauty amidst the ugly and hard. 

Then I see him get low.

He bends down, sits on his heels and facing each other, he throws his arms around me and embraces me in my snotty nose mess. He softly shushes me and tells me it’s ok and together we rock in unison of my wails.

He grabs my shoulders and with my arms pinned to my side, I see him stand me up and walk me to a stage in front of a large ground. He begins to tell the crowd that this here is his beloved, his chosen one, the women he loves completely. This is the woman he wants to spend eternity with in marriage.

The crowd stares in confusion at why such a man would choose a wreck like me. My wails get louder. I can hardly breath I’m crying so hard and I’m gasping for breath.

How? How I think to myself… why would you love this putrid mess? And to choose me? 

In this moment I’m completely undone. Physically and emotionally, I’m undone by this love. And then it hits me, from my head down to my heart: He’s not going anywhere and he’s dead serious.

Jesus loves this mess of a women; this makeup-less, snotty nosed and balling like a baby mess and he’ll continue to choose me and pursue me for the rest of my life. And he’ll keep telling me and showing me until I believe him. Until there’s no shadow of doubt left as to his devotion.


Photo Credit: Dragonflight Photography

I see my body fall to the ground, completely wrecked my his love and unable to stand any longer – a surrender – a death of sorts. Jesus falls to the ground beside me and puts his hands on my chest.

I see him lay me down and cut horizontally from my chest down to my pubic none. He opens me up and reaches his hands inside me. He cups my heart with his hand I see His love start flowing inside me.

I’m physically gasping out loud now and my physical chest is beating and rising heavily. Something inside me is changing. I sense it’s my heart physically receiving his love. 

He stitches me back up like a surgeon and then runs his finger along the cut. It’s heals instantly and in my minds eye, I see a scar form in its place. I think of my C-Section scar and how the greatest things of love in my life have required surgery.

….Like how something inside me changed and a love I’d never experienced was birthed after having my daughter. My physical body now wears that scar proudly and I sense the same happening here.

God is changing me internally and in receiving his love, a new love is being birthed now; a love that like the love for my daughter, will forever change me.

There will be no going back. I will be made new by this love. 


Photo Credit: Dragonflight Photography

In my own resurrection, I now see myself rising to heaven; my soul ascending, Jesus lifting it below me.

The sky is moving around me and suddenly I see myself standing in the throne room before God, Jesus presenting me to his father.

“This is my chosen- my beloved- my bride.” I hear him say. “And I want to marry her.”

Now the throne room turns into a wedding and like the infamous first dance, I’m dancing with my Saviour – my now husband.

At first my feet are perched on his and he’s carrying me, swaying me to the music. My head is nestled in the book of his neck and every so often he kisses my forehead.

The music changes and as the pace picks up, I’m realize I’m now dancing on my own two feet. I’m laughing while together Jesus and I twirl and dance before God the Father and a crowd of heavenly witnesses.


Photo Credit: Ameris

Suddenly I see us lying in bed and the scene turns deeply intimate. Like a bridegroom and his beloved on their first night as man and wife. I witness in my minds eye a joining of two becoming one. And when it’s over, I’m exhausted, lying in a lovers coma. 

Somehow my heart knows what’s just happened:

Jesus has taken me as his own.  

Not just spiritually through my decision to follow Christ…

Not just emotionally in my learning to pray and share my heart with him unashamed…

But physically.

We are now united fully as one.

He mine and me his. 


Photo Credit: Ameris

“And nothing will ever change that.” I utter out loud.

My flesh – my body – has been redeemed.  God has given me a gift in this vision; this meditative prayer of sorts.

When my mind doubts his love, my heart and body will now remember. I’ll be forever stamped, unable to doubt his love for me. 

And if Jesus loves me this much, I must begin to love me too- fully, wholly, relentlessly- including my body.



When you’re ready to love yourself and feel at peace within

As long as parts of your heart are at war with one another, the peace you long for will remain beyond your reach. As long as you despise your negative emotions, they can never change. As long as you condemn your old wounds, they will never heal. And as long as you stay in denial, you can never uncover truth and be made whole. The only way for your heart to live in unity with God is if you’re also living in unity with yourself. This can happen only if you call in a skilled mediator, Jesus, who sits with all the parts of your heart, both wounded and whole, and begins a safe, truthful, inner conversation in which everything is brought to light and laid out on the table. – Christa Black Gifford | Heart Made Whole 

I closed my eyes and envisioned the scene that I’ve played out countless times this past month…

I imagined myself running at top speed towards a round pool of shimmering gold water. I dove in, singing down deep in the depths of the water. My body was flailing and my eyes were open frantically searching for someone to save me. Suddenly, a strong hand, much larger than my own reaches down and pulls me out of the water into his arms. He hugs me tightly before pulling away to grab my face between his hands. He looks me square in the eyes.

This man is Jesus and his love for me is palpable; like a love sick bridegroom, who just saved his blushing bride.

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Together kneeling, he motions for me to look down at a heart. I know it’s my heart and he encourages me to talk to it.

I ask my emotional heart how she’s doing and before me appears a young girl, maybe 8. She’s sitting crossed legged with her head hung low and she’s picking at the grass to make a floral crown.

“I’m doing fine,” she says. “Much better actually. I’m grateful that you’re finally listening to me and you’re not yelling at me all the time, telling me I’m weak and stupid. I feel hopeful again and I know that in time, I won’t feel sad or angry about the past anymore. But I’m content with where I’m at and I feel a still, quiet joy stirring inside me. I’ll return to my bubbly, outgoing self again soon. But I still need a bit more time. Please be patient with me. I’m not trying to be a burden.

I told her there was no rush and that she could take all the time in the world to fully heal. I reminded her it’s been a long 28 years getting here and there are a whole slew more days ahead of us to move on. I wanted her to be at her best before we continue on in our life’s journey. I told her I love her dearly, even though I’ve been terrible at showing it up until now but I would spend the rest of my life trying to love her well. I grabbed her and pulled her close in a big family bear hug with Jesus. Together, we plastered her with kisses and she giggled sweetly.  And for the first time, I knew she truly believed she was loved and adored.


I then asked my Guardian heart how he was doing. [Yes he, because truth is, I identify with masculine tendencies when it comes to my guardian and functional heart.] He looked confused and while his armour was still on, the straps weren’t done up and his sword and shield were dangling by his side.

“I’m so confused” he said. “I have no idea who I’m supposed to be battling right now or and what I’m suppose to protect you from. First, I thought our enemy was Emotional heart, but then you told me to leave her alone. Then I thought It was God, but he too, you told me I could trust. Finally, I thought it was your husband and just yesterday, you told me me to bow out of that battle also. So, I don’t know what to do! I feel useless now.”

I told him he wasn’t useless and I reminded him that it was only because of him that I’d been able to start putting up healthy boundaries as of late. It was because of him that I was able to drop the legalism of my faith and embrace fully, my relationship with Jesus. It was because of him that I was beginning to embrace and love myself for who God created me to be.  “Oh…” he said.

I told him I had a new job for him and it was this…

“From now until eternity, this is your life’s greatest mission, my friend. I need you to guard my relationship with Jesus from anything that will disconnected me from him. And I need you to protect my time with the father. ” I pointed to the little girl and continued. “Emotional heart needs ample time with her daddy right now, so guard her time from anything that will take that away from her. This is the best thing you can do for me!”

“Got it.”  He said and his battle stance resumed.


Finally, I checked in with my functional heart and immediately a smile formed across my face. Standing with his arms cross and a pout fuelled by jealous anger, I immediately recognized an old friend. I knew he was hurt and felt rejected.

With sincerity, I apologized. “I know I haven’t needed you much this last while, Function, but I haven’t forgotten about you. I still need you! So much of who I am and what I’ve accomplished in life is because of you and I’m so grateful for that.

But the truth is, and I say this in the nicest way, you’re kind of bossy and you want to be a lone soldier!

Even if you don’t want to admit it to me, my life is a responsibility you can’t carry all on your own. You’ll eventually get tired when the going gets hard and by the time you realize it, you’ll have lost your greatest allies. You need your tribe!

The only way we’re going to do this life well is if we do this as a team: you, me, emotional heart, guardian heart and Jesus. You’ll lead us, but you must be willing to hear us out and take our advice when making decisions.

If you do that, you’ll have SO much less stress and anxiety as we trek on. You’ll know joy, peace and contentment more, my friend. And when we hit rough spots, you’ll know you’re not alone in the battle! We’re all in it together and we’ll carry each other through.”

He stayed silent but I knew he heard me loud and clear. And he knew I was right.


“I want you to stop fighting your own team and start embracing each other! Lean on the others and remember that I need each of you to be healthy and whole. Not one of you is more or less important that the other. I love each of you for what you uniquely bring to the table of my heart.”


Still kneeling, I looked over at Jesus who was watching intently. He smiled at me with pride, hugged me from the side and leaned in to kiss my forehead.

“Atta girl.” He said.

And for the first time in my life, my heart was no longer divided, but united in perfect love.

When I’m with You
I feel the real me finally breaking through
It’s all because of You, Jesus
Anytime, anywhere, any heartache
I’m never too much for You to take
There’s only love
There’s only grace
When I’m with You

Nobody knows me like You do
No need for walls, You see right through
Every hurt, every scar, every secret… You just love me

I’m breathing in
I’m innocent
It’s like my heart’s on fire again
I’m not afraid
I’m not ashamed
I’m safe when I am with You

So I’m here just as I am
Bruised or broken
I don’t have to pretend

-When I’m with You | Citizens Way 



To learn more about the different parts of your heart, their unique functions in your life and emotional health, pick up the newly launched book, Heart Made Whole

I had the absolutely pleasure of working through the book as part of the launch team and I cannot say enough about my experience! Seriously, friend, it’s a MUST read!

It’s raw, powerful and transformational; like the most authentic and vulnerable counselling session where you trust the person sitting in front of you knows your pain intimately, can sit with you without judging or blaming and sees the person you are destined to become. You’ll not only crave healing and freedom like never before, you’ll know it’s possible not only for yourself but for everyone else you know and love.

Its helped me with anger, letting go, trust and even expectations. I’ve forgiven God and even myself for so many things I’ve been mad about for years! And let me tell you, never ever before have I begun to truly love and embrace who I am – messy, imperfect parts and all , with such freedom and without fighting or running from my emotions.



When you’re tired of beating yourself up for not being good enough

If forgiveness takes away what stands between you and someone else, then forgiving yourself takes away what stands between you and your heart made whole.

The Holy Spirit is screaming of your innocence at each moment, but your wounds scream about your supposed faults. God sees us as we REALLY are, and since we are the perfect image of a perfect God, He sure does love what He sees when He looks at us.

You don’t have faults. You simply have wounds. Your wounds are the places you have judged as ‘not enough’ or ‘unlovable,’ so what if you could forgive yourself for your wounds today, even as they’re being healed?

1) Put your hand on your heart.
2) Close your eyes.
3) Say this out loud: “God does not want to punish me. Christ was punished enough. God wants to heal me. And I will be like Him, so I will forgive myself.”
4) Say this out loud as many times as you need until it sinks in…

“I forgive you, (name), for being wounded.” – Christa Black Gifford | Heart Made Whole 

Kailey, I forgive you for all the times you choose to live small, afraid and chained by your pain. I understand why- truly I do – and from today forward, I choose to simply sit with you in your hurt and give you grace, just as God gives you each moment. I will not blame you, I will not judge you and I will no longer try to fix you!


I forgive you for being so easily offended.

For so much of your life you’ve felt misunderstood and your heart misrepresented by people’s assumptions. You’ve wanted those closest to you to see you for your strengths and your goodness, rather than your faults and imperfections.

I forgive you for having no boundaries, for people pleasing and doing things out of obligation.

Time and again people have emotionally withdrawn from you or gotten upset when you haven’t acted the way they would like or when you haven’t met their expectations. Your greatest desire is connection, so I can see your fear in not meeting their ideals.

I forgive you for pushing your feelings aside for the benefit of others, to avoid conflict or others anger.

You didn’t know any better and believed that others emotional health was your responsibility. You’re still learning to establish boundaries and to see your emotions as valuable tools.

I forgive you for striving and performing.

Growing up, the attention you did receive was from the things you accomplished, your hunger to grow/improve and for your ferocious work ethic. Although the attention was a counterfeit substitute for love, you took it because it temporarily soothed the hurt of people not staying.  It came from a place of longing to know unconditional love.

I forgive you for worrying and falling prey to paralyzing anxiety.

You felt unsafe and unprotected int his world from the early age of six. You felt it was your responsibility to keep yourself safe and that’s a heavy burden for a child to carry.

I forgive you for seeking the acceptance, approval and love of people more than God.

You’ve experienced rejection in some of your most significant relationship which told you you weren’t good enough. You longed desperately to have someone in your corner who would stay, even when things got hard or you stepped on their toes in your imperfections.

I forgive you for being mad at God, for seeing him as a bully and a punisher; the source of your pain and suffering.

From an early age you were taught about God’s wrath and about religion- a set of do’s an don’t– , rather than relationship with Jesus. You experienced the death of a loved one so young and the messy wrestlings of why bad things happen to good people. It too much for a child to understand. You’ve experienced the churches attempts to tie suffering up in a pretty bow, void of empathy for your personal hurt and experiences. How could you see things any different?

I forgive you for seeing yourself as the main character and heroin of the story, rather than God.

You fell so deeply in love with Jesus so fast and your heart rejoiced in finally hearing YOU MATTER. The child in you needs to soak up the love and attention from your Father, God, to truly come to know her true value in Christ.

I forgive you for judging others and not trusting that God is at work in their life transforming them in his ways and time.

You were taught that if you want something done, you better do it yourself and commit ’till completion. You were made with this drive and a heaping dose of discipline which has aided you in your faith journey. But you’re still learning  that it’s not about what you can do but what’s already been done for you on the cross. You’re still learning that it’s when you let go and stop trying that God finally begins to work miracles. You’re still learning that his way and timing are always, always better than your own – because truth is, your ideas are pretty great sometimes! 😉

I forgive you being afraid of failing and of making mistakes in your decisions.

Because for a long time, you made some pretty poor ones! It comes from a place of so desperately wanting to remain close to God and to stay in his will for your life. You’re just discovering that your faith is like a pendulum attached to a centre axis point; God is that axis point and while you may swing right to left, you will always return to centre.

I forgive you for punishing yourself when you make mistakes, like reacting in your anger.

You suppressed your anger for so many years and your learning to see your anger as a friend rather than a foe. This is a healthy and vital part of establishing boundaries! Your punishing yourself is out of a desiring for personal growth and to walk in the personhood of who God knows you’ll become.

I forgive you for clinging to your expectations and for being heartbroken when they’re not met.

So much of your life has been full of hurt and disappointment and yet you continued to stay strong, with a positive and hopeful outlook. Life continues to get harder in many facets and it seems you’re constantly reminded of your faults and how far you have to go.  You’re tired and you feel let down. Grieving expectations is healthy so that you can move into the future without looking back.

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Kailey, God is not surprised by these things and he forgives you in real time- past, future and more important, present! So I will too!

I resign as chief accountability keeper of your shortcomings, knowing The Holy Spirit is your guide and he speaks correction to you in the way your heart is able to receive in love.

I will choose to speak like over you for all that you ARE, imperfectly, in this present moment, trusting that God is at work in your heart and in your life. In his way and in his time, he will continue to transform you into wholeness.

My job here forward is to to be your friend and your encourager; to offer you forgiveness and my empathy. I promise to take it seriously…

I love you.


When you’re hurting and you feel let down and mad at God

I sat once again on my counsellors sofa. I could feel the emotions bubbling just under the surface but after a week of endless emotional fits before God and nothing to soothe the wounds I’d ripped open, I was reluctant to open the dam again.

I wanted more to numb the excruciating pain from the emotional baggage I keep putting down but somehow keep picking back up.

For seven days, I’d been wrestling God with metaphorical punches and then tender embraces, sharing with him all the ugly unspoken broken I’d been processing. It has taken me two long years of depression, grieving, counselling and the hard work of healing to get here, but I’d finally gotten to the core of my deepest pain: Rejection.

In every significant relationship, whether it was romantic, friendship, familial, business or mentorship, I’ve experienced rejection over and over by the people I most adored and desired connection, depth and intimacy with. The ones I sought passionately to know me and love me from the inside out, have in some form or fashion made me feel cast aside, unwanted, unloved, and ultimately not good enough.

And in the last week, I discovered I was now feeling the exact same way about God!


1,6, 12, 16, 19, 20, 24 and now again at almost 29, I have experienced deep rejection time and again.

I’ve been unpacking my pain and these experiences of rejection with the help of counselling, The Trauma prayer, Wild and Free, as well as Heart Made Whole and sitting alone for hours on end in prayer and guided mediation with Jesus. I’ve been desperate for comfort and love, but not from anyone, from THE ONE.

I’ve wanted God more than any other time in my life to make himself known in a vary real way to me, as my father, my protector, my comforter, my encourager and my healer.

And yet, I haven’t felt him in any way shape of form in recent weeks.

….like a little girl who has her arms outstretched ready for her daddy to pick her up and comfort her in her sorrow and he won’t.

…..like a love sick teenager who’s just poured her heart out, waiting in desperation for a response to her love song and hears crickets.

…..like a hurting friend who’s deep in a pit and longs for someone to see her, sit with her and embrace her without judgement of her heart or blame.

…..like an unsure and scared college grad who longs to know their potential and needs someone to speak life over them and tell them what they’re made for!

These are the things I’ve wanted desperately- almost pathetically– from my Father, God.


And yet I’ve felt nothing but crickets.

As I sat on that couch, I poured out my hurt, anger and frustration at God. I begged to know why I’m so desperate for God’s affection, to just be with him and to know his thoughts- the very things he says he wants from me– and yet I feel like he’s refusing me. It’s like I know he’s there but he wont do anything but stare at me in silence!

My counsellor listened with such empathy, giving weight and validity to my hurt and anger. “Thank you!” I lamented. “I feel like a freak most days; like no one understands and I’m supposed to just shut up, stop acting like a child and move on already. Like I’m selfish and wrong for feeling these things!”

“Kailey,” she lovingly protested, “That would never work for you, ever! Hear me when I tell you that if you approach your hurt and relationship with God in that manner, you will never be able to receive and feel God’s love for you! You’ll spend the rest of your life striving for God’s affection and still feel rejected and like you’re not good enough in your last breath.

Because everything about that mentality and approach to hurt makes the little girl in you scream in tantrum protest. That little girl in you has experienced pain in her life and she needs someone- The One- to hear her hurt and validate it! No one else will do;Only her daddy can soothe that.”


“But I’ve been doing exactly that and I’ve been furiously protesting everything and everyone who’s trying to hit me with the message of “grow up and get over yourself.” And yet he wont answer me! He refuses to meet me where I’m at! WHY!”

“Work with me here.”  she said, as she proceeded to take me through a guided mediation in which I spoke face to face with my father, God.

I told him everything I had just shared with her and more and then I waited for his response.

To my absolute astonishment and surprise, God revealed that he’d been earnestly trying – doing everything in his power to comfort me and speak life over me- but the fact is I can’t hear him or see him because I refuse to. My anger has my “talk to the hand” thrown up high and no matter what he does or try’s to tell me, it will never be good enough until…


WAIT…..WHAT? Forgive God?!?!

No one has ever even hinted towards the idea that God, my father, would seek my forgiveness for the ways I feel he has let me down, he should have protected me and I’ve been hurt!

I literally sat in silence for an extended period. I was dumb founded…and that’s a feat for me.

And like the weight of a million bricks was lifted from my heart, I felt peace and such relief for the first time in weeks. I actually started to laugh!

Me. Little old me. My God would choose to humble himself and submit to my choices – to MY will! Wow. That’s crazy.

Now don’t get me wrong. This isn’t an all together new idea but in some aspects, it’s certainly not a common theme you hear preached or discussed in Christian circles.

When your heart explodes with love for someone, it chooses to give the gift of affection, which is why God gave you a control center deep within your heart that possesses the ability to either choose to love Him or choose to reject Him. Since He created the human heart, giving it the great gift called free will, He gave all of us full jurisdiction over our inner realm, including the ability to say “no” to His love, His will, and His ways.

Let that sink in for a second. You are the only one who will ever be in full control of your own heart—not God. He will never violate the control He gave you. Our good God will always be present and willing to be your Counselor, Helper, Protector, Redeemer, Savior, and the Restorer, but you hold the final say. God offers you unconditional love and eternal relationship, but then gives you the freedom to refuse His gift. – Christa Black Gifford | Heart Made Whole 

Part of relationship is honesty and God has been very gracious and gentle in allowing me to learn he is big enough to take my messy and sometimes ugly emotions; in fact he wants me to bring them to him!

But never ever have I entertained the idea of two way forgiveness in our relationship.

And yet that makes so much sense!

In every relationship I have, forgiveness is required on both ends, including my relationship with my daughter. While she is only 15 months, I have already on countless occasion sought her forgiveness. And I have no disillusions that it’ll stop. As she gets older with convictions and ideas of her own – no doubt many that will differ, contradict and even challenge mine- there will be times where I hurt her, even if I don’t mean to… even if what I do or say is quote on quote “for her good.” 


Because the thing is, emotions are neither right or wrong. They simply are. And no one can tell me that how I feel isn’t valid, because it’s my heart that’s experiencing life in my unique way; my experiences and my personality help shape that.

So, whether or not we always understand why someone feels the way they do, it is always the loving and kind response to seek to understand, to extend grace and empathy and if applicable, to seek forgiveness. And on the other end, it is always the hope that the recipient will accept the invitation and offer forgiveness in return.

Because forgiveness always reconciles connection in relationship.

Isn’t this Christianity 101?


Find a quiet place in solitude. Perhaps wait until no one is home or try the bath, the closet or your car. It’s important you have the time and space to invest in this moment without feeling nervous someone will walk in/hear you or could be pulled away suddenly. 

Is there anything in your life that you are mad at God for? Do you feel he’s let you down or hasn’t been what you believe you needed at the time? We may never fully understand why God allows certain things on this earth, but we can trust that God weeps with us in our sorrow, that he hurts when we hurt and that he desires to have your heart fully trusting that he is for you and that he is good. 

Close you eyes and imagine yourself sitting face to face with God. Take all the time you need to connect with how you really feel. Invite Holy Spirit to remind you of the things you’ve been ponding and wrestling with – all the things you’ve imagined asking him or saying to him one day in hope of answers. Share your hurt, your pain, your frustration and your confusion. Don’t hold anything back! Let every emotion rise to the surface and allow it to fully run it’s course. It doesn’t matter what it looks like, how you sound or even if what you say makes sense. Just say it out loud! 

When you’ve let it all out, just rest in silence and wait. Listen for what he has to say to you. Trust that the things that come to you in your mind and heart are God’s response. 

If you can find it somewhere inside of you, offer God your forgiveness and ask him to restore your heart to his. If you can’t just yet, that OK! Ask God to help you want to forgive him and trust in time, you’ll get there. 

when you’re serious about breaking free and living beyond the mirror #eatingrecoveryday

Honestly, I hardly noticed the change when it was happening, but now that I sit on the other side – on the other side of  disordered eating and body image issues – I recognize my freedom from it and healing in situations that used to enslave me….

Things like eating dinner out with friends, shopping in the mall, showering and getting dressed in the morning, scheduling my weekly workouts, enduring an acne break out or being around other women.

Those moments felt like a living nightmare and used to [quietly] kill me. 

If your life looks anything like mine, these sorts of things happen on a daily basis. So if you do the math, I used to spend the majority of my days – the majority of my life – feeling crappy about myself, hating my body and fearing the things I need to do to simply function, like eat.

My days were a string of events that felt more like failures in the basic functions of existence and I felt like a failure before I even stepped foot outside each morning.

It didn’t matter how hard I worked, the things I achieved, the nice stuff people said about me or how my life looked on the outside, underneath I believed I wasn’t good enough- never would be- and feared being found out.


The reality is, our culture and society preys on this type of behaviour and if you ask around, you’ll quickly discover you’re not alone.

Nearly every woman battles these feelings in one form or another. Yes, we all experience them in varying degrees, but never the less, I have yet to meet a single woman who confidently declares she sees no need to change anything about her body or can’t relate to at least one of the battles I used to face daily.

But the truth is, that’s half the problem! I saw my eating disorder and my obsession with my body as normal and so do a lot of woman! We believe that because it’s common and “normal” that it’s ok; that preoccupation with looks and food are just a females reality that needs to be embraced and survived. No one told me any different! But deep down, I knew that wasn’t good enough; I knew that was wrong and I started craving something different- something more…

I wanted to not just accept myself, but even like my body! I wanted to enjoy food again with ZERO guilt or regret. I wanted to love getting dressed without turning sideways to ensure everything looked flat. I wanted my mind to be free from negative self talk; to just be me without shame or wanting to change.


I started praying desperately for God to change me, asking that he would free me from the thoughts and behaviours that taunted and harassed me every. single. moment. of. every. day. I read my bible daily for encouragement and hope because the burden of my daily existence felt heavy and hopeless.

The LORD has anointed me to bring good news to the afflicted; He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, To proclaim liberty to captives And freedom to prisoners- Isaiah 61:1

Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart. – Matthew 11:28-30

I started to think: If God truly is who He says He is and if He sent His son Jesus to bind up the broken hearted and set the captives free, then this reality I’m living in isn’t from him, because it’s hell!

And like a light switch, my perspective flipped. I saw for the first time that I had been deceived. I recognized what a lot of Christians talked about but hadn’t yet acknowledged in my own life: satan at work in areas where I had given him permission.

Satan is a deceiver who disguises himself in light – things that look and feel good [initially] – but intimately he comes only to kill, steal and destroy. And when I was honest with myself, I recognized that he had done exactly that in this aspect of my life: satan had killed my confidence in who I am as a unique woman, he stole my joy in much of my daily existence and he destroyed my ability to see beyond myself and my pain much of the time…

If your first concern is yourself, you’ll never find yourself. But if you forget about yourself and look to me, you’ll find both yourself and me. – Matthew 10: 38-39 MSG

No matter what I was doing, my mind was always preoccupied with how I felt or how I looked, constantly analyzing, comparing and despising my reality. Even my best efforts couldn’t tear me away from my thoughts for longer than a few minutes. No one got the best of me, except me and I surely wasn’t giving myself the best treatment either. Without realizing it, I had made myself and my body my idol.

i·dol – an image or representation of a god used as an object of worship and placed above God in one’s life.

I realized the battle was not one of flesh and blood but of Spirit and if I was going to win – to break free once and for all from my disordered eating and body image issues – I need to get serious about fighting with the right weapon: prayer. I had to listen to what scripture tells me and follow it’s instructions:

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil. – Ephesians 6:12

‘Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,’ says the LORD Almighty. – Zecharaih 4:6

 I waited patiently and expectantly for the LordAnd He heard my cry. He brought me up out of a horrible pit [of tumult and of destruction], and He set my feet upon a rock, steadying my footsteps and establishing my path. – Psalm 40: 1-2

Be generous to the poor and everything will be clean for you. Luke 11:41

And so I did. I prayed, I read my bible, I trusted God and I waited to hear from him. I posted scripture all over my house, my car and my purses – essentially any and every place I would look regularly- and praying it out loud over myself. At first it felt hopelessly silly and I barely believed a word of it applied to me and my life. But in time, my God took my mustard size seed of faith and moved mountains with it. He changed my heart and I developed a confidence that freedom not only possible but it was coming!

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I took verses to heart like Matthew 10: 40-41, that instructed to start small in our generous acts, like giving someone thirsty a cup of water; that even the smallest acts of giving done in love, become great.

I asked God to open my eyes each day to ways I could be generous- to make me sensitive to the needs around me- and like a floodgate, things came left right and centre. And something amazing started to happen…

as I responded to those needs, believing for my own healing, my heart and mind started to change – I began to heal from my disordered eating and body image issues.

It wasn’t overt, but days would come would suddenly I was acting different in familiar situations and the things that used to bother me, suddenly didn’t! I felt freer, happy and I actually started to like myself. Things would happen and like a third party bystander, I’d reflect and realize I was a different person. I was almost afraid to say it out loud in fear of going back, but with time and more consistency, I realized God really was healing me slowly!


Over the course of a year, I attended weekly counselling. I discovered that my struggles with food and body image directly correlated with my stress levels. When I was upset about something – typically something outside of my control – my issues would flair up.

I also discovered that the root of my struggles were lies that has been planted from experiences in my childhood; primarily the lie that I had to be perfect in order to be liked, loved and accepted.

From my very first memories I learnt that life is a competition, including relationship. I felt as if I had never been anyone’s first choice or true love; it was always me against someone else. Deep down, I wanted to be cherish and adored. I wanted to loved and accepted because of who I was not because of how I looked, acted or what I achieved. 

But the only time people seemed to acknowledge or praised me- which felt like love and acceptance at the time – was for my beauty, my perfectionistic ways, my strength [aka: walled up emotions] and my achievements.  And it perpetuated a cycle of striving, thinking I had to earn love or prove myself worthy. 

At my core, I don’t know or understand unconditional love or anything apart from my looks and my performance.

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I wish I could tell you that healing was an easy three step program and that I recovered from my eating disorder and body image issues by learning to love myself and give myself grace. But I didn’t.

In my experience that doesn’t work and what culture tells us will set us free – female empowerment- will never fully free us. It may help in the short term and bandaid the struggle for a while, but in the end it only perpetuates the problem and nurtures lies of inadequacy and unworthiness at our core.

For me, it was only Jesus that could set me free and bring be back to wholeness; Jesus and the hard work of weekly counselling, discovering, uprooting and replacing the lies I’d come to believe.

My counsellor helped me understand that freedom and healing is largely a heart issue which requires not just healing but transformation. We must die to the old self [the old way of thinking] to discover the new. And if that healing is to be lasting, it must be a work of The [Holy] Spirit. No amount of will power on our part can transform us. Only God can! Our part is simply to show up and be honest about our brokenness.


Typically, addictive behaviour, disorders and obsessions are the result of a warped core belief that develops at an early age. From then on, that wrong belief subconsciously steers our thoughts and our actions as we mature. To be free of it, we must discover what the lie is, uproot it and replace it with truth.

For me, this lie was that unless I was perfect in my behaviour and my looks, people would reject me and ultimately I’d be alone and unloved. I subconsciously believed at my core that my looks were a direct line to love. Food was simply my way of controlling that.

Once I took that to Jesus for healing and committed to the work with my counsellor, I found healing.

Today, I rest in the confidence of who Jesus created me to be. Im imperfect and so is my body, but Im very much OK with that. I love food and love to enjoy it in moderation and without guilt. I work out to feel good and because it makes me feel alive. It doesn’t own me, nor does the calorie burn. I am satisfied with my wardrobe and how I look in the clothes I wear. I rarely ever give my dress much thought anymore and I can count on one hand the times I’ve felt the need to shop or acquire more. I am content in both my life and my skin, trusting Jesus for the grace I need each day to continue to walk in freedom.

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Friend it’s not hopeless and your healing is just around the corner! It starts with humility and honesty, seeing our need for a Saviour.



If you’d like to invite Jesus into your pain and ask him to begin a healing work in you, pray along with me:

“Jesus, I believe you are who you say you are. That you came to earth, as The Son of God, to die for my mistakes and shortcomings on a cross. That in you, I am forgiven and given a new life, both now and in eternity. I share my struggle with you now, the things and behaviours that hold me hostage: __________ I confess that I have tried in my own strength to heal and free myself but I can’t. I need you. Please begin a healing work in me. Repair my heart and replace the lies I have believed with your truth:That I am loved exactly as I am. Please make yourself real to me in a way I cannot deny. Thank you that you came to bind up the broken hearted and set the captives free. I claim that promise for myself now! Thank you in advance for the work you will do in my heart. Believing for complete and total healing and freedom, I pray in Jesus’ name. Amen.”



Don’t go through this alone! If you have never shared your struggle with someone, start there by confiding in someone you trust. If you have no one, please email me at hello@kaileymichelle.com.



I would strongly suggest you reach out to a professional [Christian] counsellor, such as FREE TO BE COUNSELLING, if you live in the Vancouver Lower mainland or Fraser Valley.



Get in your Bible and start reading about who you are in Christ. Post scripture around your house and read it out loud to yourself daily. Knowledge is power when we give it space to thrive- to move from our head to our heart.

If you are not a person of the Christian Faith, try reading these healing affirmations out loud over yourself each day:

I am a divine creation. I love and accept myself where I am right now. I enjoy who I am and the wonderful parts of my character. I choose joy. I live in the now. Each moment is a new gift. It is safe to be me. I am safe in this world and I trust the process of life. –  Heal Your Body | Louise Hay


Other resources that played a part in my healing journey and may serve you well:

Christian Faith Based

Non- Faith Based

  • Gifts of Imperfection – Brene Brown
  • I thought it was just me, but it isn’t – Brene Brown





When there’s a war inside you and life feels all together hard

God has a funny way of giving us exactly what we need at exactly the right time. 

For example, my husband and I have been working through this book for the past 6 months but it was given to us almost 2 years ago by friends. The day we started it, we were at a cross roads in our relationship and we begged for direction from God and he brought the book – which we had both forgotten about– to mind.

We planned to plow through it in a few weeks, while simultaneously fasting media so all our undivided attention was on it. Quickly that fell to the way side and while initially I had guilt over it, I know now that guilt wasn’t from God – it was simply my hyper religious tendencies that wanted to wow God with my discipline.

 Instead, we’ve allowed God to prompt in our hearts when it’s time to work through the next chapter and without fail, every single time we open it, it’s exactly what we need and meets us where were at; many times its been the insight we were begging for or an answer to our prayers. 

Yesterday he did it again, twice.


First, by leading me to this podcast which normalized feelings I’ve been battling for months. It affirmed the gruelling, exhaustive and painful nature of the grieving process – validating the exact experiences and emotions I’ve been walking through for months.

I burst into tears. The little girl in me finally heard, “You’re not a freak, Kailey. This too shall pass. Everything is going to be OK.” 

Then later that evening, we walked into our family therapists office expecting to talk about one thing before she completely flipped our session on its head, zeroing in on me and the shame I’ve been carrying and beating myself up with.

She taught me about the two parts of my personality that are at war with each other: the General [the over achieving, try harder, responsibility taking, buckle up your boot straps, I can do anything, brush it off, side of me] and the wounded soldier [the one who actually fights and feels the battle and gets wounded in the process. The part that has vivid recollection and memories from the wars she’s faced, and will forever feel and experience life through that lens]

They’re supposed to be family, loving each other for their strengths and knowing their roles- working together for good – but instead they’re hating each other, creating division in my heart and tearing each other down. 

In essence, they’re each others’ worst enemy.


I’d been begging God to give words to the war I’ve been experiencing inside me, because while on the outside I might seem fine, on the inside I’m completely beat up and bleeding. I feel helpless on most days and all together incapable of managing the simple acts of day to day life.

Some days, all I can manage to do is write, watch tv, have a conversation, drink coffee and I’m still all together spent by the end of it.  And on other days, when life just feels too hard and the grieving to great, I need to check out for a while – to numb the hurt by going to Starbucks, watching a movie, go shopping or eat a sundae. 

But that doesn’t make me weak, a bad Christian or a freak! This is all together normal for someone who is in the thick of grieving and I know those things can fix me; Only Jesus can. And He is with me in those moments; He does them with me!

Whether I’m praying or not, Jesus knows my heart and he knows I know, he is my true comforter – not those activities. 

But I need to stuff the General’s voice aside and own the truth: 

It is not my responsibility to change my circumstance, to heal me, to change me or to rid myself of hard emotions. That is Jesus’s.

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My only responsibility is to be authentic in all this – to vulnerably acknowledge what’s going on in side me no matter what it looks like and to take it to Jesus rather than run away. 

What I need most right now is the time and space to heal, to be unconditionally loved and taken care of, not beat into submission or told I’m weak. I need to let the wounded soldier have her voice because truly, she is my heroine, not the General. She is the brave courageous one who will do the messy, hard work of grieving and healing, leading me to victory. 

She will know freedom and live to tell the story. 


Lord, silence the negative voices, including my own; let your voice of empathy and your voice of love be louder. Help me Jesus, to run to you and not run away from the war inside me. Lead me out of temptation; away from guilt, shame, blame or independence. Thank you that you love me in the mess and that you never leave me in the dark. Thank you that I see the flicker of light and that redemption is on the horizon. Search my heart, oh Lord, and finish the work you have started in me.

My graduation… from Counselling

I could hardly keep from smiling as I read the post – the words I had typed in bravery over two years prior – confessing my inability to handle death, pain and grief. And I’m sure God was chuckling along with me. Not making fun of me, but in a playful “I told you so” sort of way.

Because I’ve never shied away from praying scary prayers; the bold ones that take courage to even muster out loud and leave you shaking in your boots hoping God chooses NOT to answer them! And I had done just that. As I carried my child in womb, I begged God to heal me from my greatest fear: death, pain and grief.

They kept me from loving well:

……running away when people needed me to run to them

…. Distant when others needed me close

…..Going when someone needed me to stay, to sit and to listen


But the reality is, we can only give away what we have first been given ourselves.

And in this case, I couldn’t love well in the midst of hardship, having never dealt with my own pain from my brothers death.


It was a pain I hadn’t touched in twenty one years, preferring to gloss over and pretend like everything was fine.

So that’s exactly what I would do with others.

Avoid the subject all together. Never ask specifics. Pretend like everything was fine.

And while it wasn’t a true reflection of my heart, it communicated disinterest, ill concern, a “could care less” attitude and a cold lack of compassion.


It wasn’t until I gave birth to my daughter, that the trauma came full circle and the band-aid was ripped off, leaving my wounds wide open for cleaning.


God used a traumatic child birth experience and 9 weeks of darkness to show me I needed to heal, once and for all.

“Burying the hurt, wounds, and scars of your heart and soul does not make them go away. You cannot eat them away, drink them away, ignore them or hide them in your work or relationships. Eventually, they re-emerge (often with habits that are harder to heal than the wounds themselves).” – Jo Saxton 


Oh, was this my reality!

While I’d come a long way in my healing journey, I’d relied almost entirely on my own strength; every self-help book read, philosophy learnt and self-discipline method mastered. But still I was wounded and what I’d done was merely bandaged up the hurt and learnt to cope for a while, until it re-appeared again. (Many times looking different than before, tricking me into thinking this new habit and my unresolved pain were not related.)


With 6 months of counselling behind me and victory on my side, I now stare at the page of things I’ve overcome-  the things I had run to for countless years to mask the hurt and pain.

Like any addiction. These were mine:


Now here I am on the other side, a completely different woman.

(Thanks to the Grace of God, much prayer, an incredible counsellor and hours upon hours of self -reflection and the hard work of change.)


While I could write a book about all that I’ve learnt and discovered on my road to healing, my most profound revelations are this:

  • The pain of our pasts never leaves us until we deal with it, no matter how old we get or how great we get at “coping”  (A good sign you’re coping rather than healed: the issue continues to resurface throughout your life unexpectedly)

  • We either walk inside our story and own it (the hardest, ugliest and messy parts too!) or stand outside it and hustle for our worthiness. – Brene Brown

  • It is our weaknesses not our strengths that connect us with others and it’s in our willingness to be vulnerable that others are drawn to us and a deeper bond/ relationship is formed

  • Your mess will become your message if you give yourself the gift of healing

  • God can and will use you to bring others hope and help set them on the path to freedom, victory and healing… (and that has brought forth the most AMAZING sense of purpose and meaning I’ve encounter in life yet.)

  • The dark looses its scary factor when you embrace it, even when it’s uncomfortable.


Because once you can sit in your dark cave and not run from it, you can sit with others in theirs and be ok with it…..

You can love them well in their broken and messy moments, when they need most to know they’re not alone.


Note:  I do not believe we ever “arrive” or that healing and freedom means we will never have to work or consciously choose to fight the temptation to fall back into old patterns. Instead, that those things that used to hold us hostage and control our thoughts and actions, no longer have the same paralyzing grip on our life.



Please don’t go through this alone! If you have never shared your hurt with someone, please start there by confiding in someone you trust. If you have no one, please email me at hello@kaileymichelle.com.

And secondly, I would strongly suggest you reach out to a counsellor and invest in yourself there, even if only for one session. I invested in 6 months of weekly  counselling with FREE TO BE COUNSELLING, and it was the catalyst and accountability I needed.


To feel His delight

We sat down to watch another fashion show… like the million others I’d seen before- already decided I wasn’t overly impressed. The show hadn’t even started.

The host graced the stage and announced we were in for a treat. Yah right, I mocked silently.

The lights dimmed. The music started and from a silken beam she cascaded from the sky.


Shocked, I sat up. Something inside me perked.

With what appeared as effortless grace, she conquored gravity and frolicked from great heights.

The more she spun, the faster my heart raced. I couldn’t tear my eyes away.

I was transfixed. But it was more than simply her movement.. it was the feeling, the passion, the joy that emanated from her.

I could almost taste it.


Why? I knew it well.

What my mind had forgotten, my heart knew well; like marrow of my bones and blood through my vines.

I remember the surge I felt when I graced the stage. To perform was freedom unleashed. There was no where else I felt freer to be me…


Free from pain. Free from struggle….

From comparison, expectation and others’ “rules.”

I could be me fully alive, uncaged. No need to tame myself or to calm down. I could throw every fibre of my being into the movement.

No matter my mood, lifes circumstances or it’s pressures, to dance washed everything away. It was my comfort, my strength, my healer and my truest joy.


I could never put my finger on it, but I know now that what I felt was God’s delight.

As one performance led into another, something inside of me came to life; something I knew had lay dormant for nearly 10 years.

My mind flashed to the women I’d just met, who spoke over me last spring; the one who told me I was still a dancer and that God wanted me to dance again.

I laughed. My pride still bruised from my immature exit from the dance world.

I said nothing out loud then, but in my heart, vowed again I’d never return. I couldn’t face my past. My old life. The old me.

I’m different now. That part of me is dead.


But as the music raged on and the performance came to climax, I felt a tear roll down my cheek.

“Go.” I felt Him whisper, His invisible arms embracing me like the welcomed chill of a summers wind.

While I could deny it all I want; allow the fear to suffocate his voice, the light of truth shone in that moment.


There is a part of me that was made to dance. He put it in me. He made me with purpose. He wants me to use it for His glory…. if only for me to feel his delight. In me. Through me.

Cause that’s the funny thing with our pasts. We can run from it all we want. We can change. We can evolve. We can find new purpose and identity.

But that which He desired for good, will never truly disappear.


No matter how painful or uncomfortable it may be, God wants us to go back and look our pasts straight in the face.

To give him the pain, the ugly and the hurt and allow Him to mend the broken pieces.

To take what Satan meant for evil and use it for good- for His Glory.

He wants to make beauty from our ashes.

But first we’ll have to stop running, turn right around and walk, one foot in front of the other, back on stage.


In case you’re wondering, I’ve begun to dance again. While my nerves still hold me captive, my muscles remember beautifully. It’ll be a slow road, but I’m trusting His purposes in asking me to move again.  I know there’s healing to be had and joy to be remembered.




Invisible crossroads

Theres something about the dark I find exhilerating…


The way it calls me to cozy down and cuddle to what feels comfortable. The way it slows me still and my ears attune to quite nothing.

And then theres other parts of it that terrify me..

the loneliness that closes in. The lies that circle my heart. The doubt and unknown that whisper hope is fleeting.

A juxtaposition of fear and hope…

and like the true light that knows no darkness, my hope in him glimmers in darkest hours.


When I run to everything that lies it fills… books. food. relationships. busy. work. never ending lists of mundane that promise to distract… I hear his voice whisper gently to stop and come to him.

My heart hears it. It tells me to stop and turn to him. To run with open arms to the one who’s comfort’s complete.

But my defiance wins far too often. Far too stubborn and self reliant. Still I run to the temporary comforts that leave me emptier and more desperate for him.

‘Till I’m face down on the floor in defeat. Till I’ve pushed in my own strength and theres nothing left. Till my soul feels parched for the water that will never leave me thirsty…


Why, oh why do I do this, time and time again Lord?

The battle of flesh and soul that leaves me marred – invisibly beaten and battered.

In the quiet of my suffering, He speaks truth to a heart that’s ready to recieve.

You doubt me, my child. That what I have is enough. You love the gifts more than your giver and know the works of religion, more than the knowing and pursuit of me.

Now wait. Before you beat yourself up and listen to the lies. I know your heart. You love me. Oh, you desire me. But your expectations get in the way. Your fears rip my grip from your hand. And your doubt suffocates my promises.

Oh, how I know this to be true. How I live passionately for my time here on earth. How I deep down think He owes me a nice life and the fulfilment of my every pursuit and desire. That he’ll make my name great. For his sake, of course. Yah right…


That somehow I’m privy to exemption of pain, because I’ve been dealt enough suffering for one life, thanks.

In the silence I hear the prays of a 6 year old kailey that asks the unthinkable of him. And he answers. Me believing my prayers caused such horrific pain. The pain that would rip my family to pieces and would close my heart to grace for decades.

But we’ve all been dealt pain- a full house of suffering.
And it’s that exact pain that produces perseverance, character and hope…

IF! I remind myself….

..IF we’ll give it to the One who promises to make good of it! To use it for his glory.


Give it to me. He begs gently. Unclasp your hands for just a moment and let me show you. My burden is easy and my yoke light.

We all face this choice.

Today I have a choice. To continue running from my pain – the past I’ve put into boxes and shoved in the back of my closet and “forgot” about. The boxes that spring cleaning has dug up and sit heaped upon my bedroom floor waiting to be dealt with…

Will I stuff them back away, to only resurface again or will I take the time to carefully unpack them, sift through the useful and the junk thats taking up precious space and make room for something better?

Do you trust me, He whispers?

I stare into the darkness, face to face with my invisible cross road.

All it takes is 20 second of insane courage, I repeat.

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And without words, I breath deep, nod and fix my eyes on the glimmer of light ahead.