When God shows up at ER

I spent last night in the ER. I did a number to my finger. Needless to say, I didn’t want to be there.

It wasn’t how I envisioned my evening. I had planned to hunker down with “Call the Midwife,” a glass of vino and build IKEA furniture for my elderly neighbour.

Now I was here, in the Rapid Assessment Zone.

My Doctor has told me ample times to avoid walk ins and ER’s at all cost. Ive heard his horror stories about bad docs, wrong diagnosis’ and botched surgeries- so, I prayed continuously to ease the anxiety:

Get me in quick. Give me the best doctor possible. Give them full knowledge of the issue and how best to proceed.” Simple and to the point, but It gave me peace.

A young ER doc walked in. He was cold but did the job. At one point, he admitted he couldn’t see the full extent of the damage and wanted a second opinion, but no specialist was available. Neither was the one on call. So, I prayed again:

Give him discernment, Lord – tell him what to do.

He made an executive decision and went with it. I felt peace.

“I’ll give you the number of a specialist to follow up with in a few days. Be right back.”

Then he returned.

“Did you say your GP’s name is this?”

“Yes,” I replied. He grinned large…

“Oh, just go see him! He’ll know what to do. He specializes in practically everything.”

I felt relief. And then he added:

“And he trained me! I graduated under him.”

I laughed out loud… Of course he did!! Three cities away, in the middle of the burbs and my city-dwelling doctor gave this guy his stamp of approval- quite literally. God clearly has a sense of humour.

We shared a good laugh and I had him write his name on a piece of paper. I knew My doctor would want to know who stitched me up.

I might be biased, but I trust no one like my own doctor. He has years of training and he runs a department of a large city hospital- plus he trains other doctors. He’s legit. So when I’m out of his care, I worry. And believe me, I have reason to…. I’ve been the bad case study and the one who slipped through the cracks. I couldn’t have my doctor, but God gave me second best. Plus I was in and out of ER in under 2.25 hours.. their average is 5!

A glass water bottle is the culprit. It shattered in my hand and got down to my bone. I cut an artery and nicked a nerve. Needless to say, it was a blood bath and my two year old, bore witness. It’s wasn’t pretty.

I’m grateful for community who came running. My nurse Neighbour examined me and my girlfriend played house while I was gone. She even cleaned the murder scene!

The full extent of damage is not known yet. I won’t know for at least a few days. I would love your prayers though: for nerve growth, for full recovery of functionality and speedy healing.




When you fear what others think as you walk in your calling

Joshua served alongside Moses, invisible for years, during which, he developed faith and faithfulness that would lead a generation into The Promised Land. – Jennie Allen, Nothing to Prove.

I read ferociously through the book before stopping dead in my tracks. It was as if the line had jumped right off my page. I knew it was for me… not in an egotistical, I’m special kind of way, but a quiet knowing.


Since I was a child, I’ve known I was a healer- always drawn to helping people emotionally and seeking out Truth, wherever I could find it. I’ve been hungry my whole life, always learning, wanting more; my appetite cannot be satisfied.

I would dance in front of large auditoriums and theatres, feeling at home and like my truest self on stage. And I still feel that way- only now, I feel it when I’m sharing Jesus in front of crowds. I know I was born to do this. It makes me feel, alive at the centre of being and connected to my creator. It feels like worship.

I do it naturally because I want to, not because I have to. Whatever the season,wherever God has me, I will serve with my gifts, to the best of my ability.

Have my motives been questionable at times? Sure! All of ours have and I won’t pretend otherwise. But in the quiet of my closet, barefaced and broken before God, I know with every fibre of my being that I seek to serve from a genuine place – in response to His love and in recognition of His calling.

While not everyone is convinced, I am certain this is how God wired me:

To write, to teach, to speak, all for the purpose of healing – of leading people to His heart, through a relationship with Jesus Christ.

For me, it’s not about quantity, but quality.

I want to profoundly touch another soul, in ways that feel like a lovers stare from across the room.

I want to arrest people’s hearts to Jesus.

And yet, I struggle hard…

I feel the need to prove myself.

I want the world to know what I know about myself, as if their understanding and recognition will set me free to do the Fathers will.

It’s a lie and yet, I’ve believed it for years, unknowingly.

Until today….

1-2 Later Jesus was going about his business in Galilee. He didn’t want to travel in Judea because the Jews there were looking for a chance to kill him. It was near the time of Tabernacles, a feast observed annually by the Jews.

3-5 His brothers said, “Why don’t you leave here and go up to the Feast so your disciples can get a good look at the works you do? No one who intends to be publicly known does everything behind the scenes. If you’re serious about what you are doing, come out in the open and show the world.” His brothers were pushing him like this because they didn’t believe in him either.

6-8 Jesus came back at them, “Don’t crowd me. This isn’t my time. It’s your time—it’s always your time; you have nothing to lose. The world has nothing against you, but it’s up in arms against me. It’s against me because I expose the evil behind its pretensions. You go ahead, go up to the Feast. Don’t wait for me. I’m not ready. It’s not the right time for me.

9-11 He said this and stayed on in Galilee. But later, after his family had gone up to the Feast, he also went. But he kept out of the way, careful not to draw attention to himself. – John 7: 1-9 (The Message)

Like the veil was finally lifted and the lie could no longer deceive me, I saw the Truth in the light of day.

Jesus’s own brothers doubted The Father’s Will for him- Jesus’ calling. They didn’t believe in Him and they masqueraded it as care and encouragement!

Behind their carefully crafted words and sly smile, lies a silent waiting to expose Him as a fraud- their unspoken thoughts lurking in the dark corners: “See, I knew it. It’s all in your head. Stop trying- stop trying to exalt yourself or prove your someone special.”

How often do I sense this in the hearts of those around me?

If I’m honest, a lot.

I sense it when I’m around them, in my resolve to be quiet and contentment not to share. In the way I avoid what’s going on with me or what I’m doing with my life right now.

I hide…. I want to leave, because I don’t feel safe.

Like Jesus, I sense their desire to crucify me.

And yet Jesus responds, without defense, without apology or even, agreement! Because He knows…. and that’s enough!

Oh, how I need to adopt this perspective – to accept what God has shown me and stop apologizing or trying to prove myself.

How I need to stop fearing the unknown thoughts and silent assumptions about me; particularly the ones masquerading doubt, as care and encouragement.



What I love most, is Jesus’ response: “I’m not ready. It’s not my time.”

The world will tell us that time is ours to seize! That if we’re serious about what we want to do, then we need to stop playing small… We need to GO PUBLIC, make it official and show the world what we’re made of. Then, they’ll see and believe! Like it’s our job to make that happen- to prove ourselves… for God’s sake though, right? And for His glory, of course!

Jesus, in one line, debunks that lie with Truth.

Timing is in the Father’s hands- a sacred tool to be used discriminately by Him, for His purposes.

While the world perceives time as an opportunity to seize at our discretion, Jesus invites us to see time as an opportunity to shed light on our hearts desires. – Beth Moore


If our desire is to do God’s will, we will wait for His timing, even when the wait feels forever- even when ridicule and rejection feels unbearably painful and our circumstances uncomfortable – even when the world doubts or disdains us, including those closest to us!

Because our faith affects our view of time.

If we really believe God, if we trust that He knows best, then we will also believe God knows when is best.

We won’t clamour to prove ourselves in our calling. We won’t fight for public approval or recognition.We will show up and quietly go about our business, careful not to draw attention to ourselves.

Because in the wait, God is still using us- we are still walking in our calling then, too! He is preparing us for the appointed hour. And when that time comes, we will know it!

God will get us there, God will make it happen – we can be sure of it! We cannot miss our callings….

God made it perfectly plain that his purpose is not a hit-or-miss thing dependent on what we do or don’t do, but A SURE THING thing determined by HIS DECISION, flowing steadily from HIS INITIATIVE. – Romans 9:11 (The Message)

Friend, do you see THE GOOD NEWS IN THIS?


…stop clamouring our way to our calling

… stop grasping for our position

… stop proving ourselves to others

… stop gaining acceptance and the world’s stamp of approval

We can fully let go and simply go about our business as usual, trusting God with the results and their timing.


If you feel the weight of God’s calling on your life, I want to say, I get it … I understand the grief that comes with God given burdens – I know what it’s like! They’re heavy- far too heavy for us to carry! And learning to walk with them, without letting them buckle us- allowing God to carry the yoke– is a process and a wrestle. It’s a constant tension, that takes daily dependency and intimacy with the Lord. And that too, takes commitment and discipline!  Sometimes, I feel like my faith is a full-time job!

But I want to affirm what you know down deep- what God made you for. I don’t believe you know this by accident. I believe, it’s God’s gift of mercy and hope- something to hold onto when life feels hard and our circumstances scream otherwise. Don’t let the world cloud your inner counsel with doubt and fear. God has called you on purpose and for a purpose.

But friend, the timing is His.

Let’s walk out this tension together, shall we?

The good news is we’re not alone, anymore. You have me and I have you.

I’m praying for us both, because that’s the only thing I can do- it’s also the BEST thing.

Will you pray with me?

Lord God, Jesus, you so lavishly provide us with your presence, Holy Spirit, working things in us and in our lives, that we could never do on our own. You do it not by our striving, but because we choose, in our free will, to trust you to do it for us.

Like Jesus, we believe you God. Help us take you at your word. By that act of faith, make our life right with you. Bless us as we live by faith, trusting, believing and hoping for things yet unseen. Help us daily, to choose not to live by our own effort but depending on you. Sustain our relationship with you, as we embrace what you have planned for us.

Above all else, let our relationship with you remain our first priority and desire. Don’t let anything distract us, including our callings, or take us away from spending time with you. Doing things for you, is not the same as spending time with you. We want to enter into what you are doing, not the other way around!

Protect us and keep us from choosing religion, rather than relationship . Rule keeping does not naturally evolve into living by faith. In fact, it only perpetuates more rule keeping! Christ has freed us from the self-defeating life of living by the law. It leads only to despair and death.

Remind us, again and again, that the purpose of the law was to make it obvious that on our own and in our strength, we are out of relationship with you, God. We cannot possibly will ourselves right! We can only do that by waiting in faith for you to complete your promises in us and through us. For if any rule keeping had the power to perfect, we for certain would have gotten there by now!! You know we’ve tried!

By faith alone, you have brought us into first hand encounters with you, The living God. You didn’t just give us a fresh start, you’re dressing us in adult faith. You’re maturing us, so eventually, we will be complete- Christ’s resurrected life in us- lacking no good thing – the fulfillment of your original promise.

May it be so. We give ourselves to you wholly and completely. May your will be done in us. Amen.”


Flirting with Fire | When You Can’t Outrun Your ANGER

Anger is a funny emotion.

I’ve spent the vast majority of my life trying to suppress it – to secretly pretend like I don’t struggle with it and that when I feel it coming on it doesn’t consume me like a piece of parched kindling wood.

But the truth is, like an innocent wild fire, it can take nothing more than the tiniest culprit to send me into a blazing glory.

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On my best days, a bit of self-discipline and prayer can keep me in check, choosing to respond rather than react. But sadly on my worst, it’s takes an army of rescue crew to put me out.

It took me months to recognize the shame that I’d allowed to surrounded my struggle with anger-

The incessant self talk that told me if people really knew what I was dealing with inside and what I really wanted to say, they’d hate me. The lie that I am a bad person. Not that my behaviour is bad  (or some of the behaviour I choose to entertain when I grab the bait of temptation in anger) but

that ME – I am bad.


But that’s a lie from the pit of hades! And it doesn’t hold one iota of truth when measured against the word of God.

But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.- Romans 5:8

Be angry and do not sin. – Ephesians 4:26

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. – 1 John:9

It’s not the sinner that God despises, but the sin. And it’s not the emotion that’s the sin either…

It’s how we choose to respond in our emotional state that can lead us to sin.

God gave us emotions for a reason and 10 out of 10 times, our emotions are arrows pointing to our hearts condition.

Too often though, we choose to react on our feelings before stopping to do a quick self evaluation.


Like battling an addiction, we can’t run from our behaviour or will ourselves to do better; nor can we simply run to God before checking our hearts motive. Because before we can ask for help, we need to understand what it is we need help with exactly. 

Emotions are meant to direct us to our needs. We just need to take the time to assess them.

And when we can’t figure it out, God is more than delighted to give us insight and wisdom.


If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. – James 1:5


Anger is no different than any other God given emotion. And he gave it to us for a reason!

Anger tells us something is wrong or not right inside us. It can be guilt directing us to confess and make amends where we’ve made a mistake. It can be injustice which can spur us to action or change. It can be pride that tells us we deserve to be treated better. And in my case, a healthy dose of all of the above. 

But I’ve found the times in my life when anger seems to get the worst of me is when it’s fuelled by events and circumstances that are out of my control, significantly more when it involves the people closest to me. And this is where the battle truly begins. 

Even when it’s tempting and even when it’s warranted, I must intentionally choose to respond in my anger rather than react. I must take the time to check my hearts motives and only when it’s fuelled by love, can I verbalize my anger to the one who it’s directed at.

(Note: I don’t mean we go and talk to everyone other than the person we’re mad at. I choose to talk to God first, then one or two close friends who I trust to give me a healthy (and biblical perspective) and aren’t afraid to tell me when I’m wrong.

And yes, I fail at this many times also, giving in to my flesh and reacting in anger. But rather than beating myself up, RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF IT, I try to thank God in advance that he is faithful to forgive me and is at work refining me until the day of Christ’s return.)

Like Solomon says, for everything there is a season. And friend, there is a season for (righteous) anger too….

2-8 A right time for birth and another for death,
A right time to plant and another to reap,
A right time to kill and another to heal,
A right time to destroy and another to construct,
A right time to cry and another to laugh,
A right time to lament and another to cheer,
A right time to make love and another to abstain,
A right time to embrace and another to part,
A right time to search and another to count your losses,
A right time to hold on and another to let go,
A right time to rip out and another to mend,
A right time to shut up and another to speak up,
A right time to love and another to hate,
A right time to wage war and another to make peace. – Ecclesiastes 3:8

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So if you too are struggling with anger and the nasty bits of guilt and shame that come along with it, please know you’re not alone.

I’m praying along with you that God would give us wisdom to recognize the lies, insight to our true hearts cry, self-discipline to respond rather than react and discernment to know when our anger is and isn’t justified.



Please Note: This post was written in the wake of hearing and processing news that shook my entire world and turned my life upside down. What followed was the commence of a deeply personal healing journey and with the help of counselling, I was able to recognize this anger as a necessary part of not only the grief cycle, but of establishing personal boundaries.

After years of complying, their pent up rage explodes. This reactive phase of boundary creation is crucial, especially for victims. They need to get out of the powerless , victimized place in which they find themselves, forced by physical and sexual abuse or by emotional blackmail and manipulation.

They must react to find their boundaries, but having found them, they must not “use their freedom to indulge in sinful behaviour.” A reactive stage is that- a stage- not an identity. Necessary but not sufficient.  – Boundaries | Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend

If you too find yourself in this place, (or if you struggle with anger or rage on a regular basis) please reach out to someone you trust. I would highly suggest seeing a professional counsellor in your area.


Glide on Blistered Feet

Photo by Henry Leutwyler

Photo by Henry Leutwyler

As I ran through the trails, with the sun beating down and a cool breeze before me, I pondered the personal significance of the word “stand.”

Like many of you, I’m sure, my mind immediately went to the classic hymnal, my hope is built. “On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand”  While images of milky sand shifting beneath my feet drifted, I knew it meant more to me than that alone.

As I neared the decent of the hills portion of my run, I tripped, nearly falling on roots deeply embed yet perturbing from the ground. Admittedly, I’ve fallen here before, once so bad that my husband had to carry me the 20 minute trek back home.

And as quickly as I recovered, with a swift sigh of relief, I saw an image of Jesus knelt down beside me, with his hand stretch out. I’m laying on the ground, cradling my ankle from the fall, breathing heavy from the blow of pain and unexpected shock.  “You’re going to be OK,” he said in the gentlest of voices. “Let me help you stand.” I reach out, taking his hand in a life grip, anticipating the pain and discomfort. But to my surprise, it’s not so bad and with the support of this gracious man, who chose to help me, instead of mocking me, I fumble my way back home.

While it’s not the most complex of visions, I realized it represents the weight the word “stand” carries for me.

In life, we’re bound to stumble, trip and at times, fall flat on our faces and like challenges, we should come to expect them! We veer from the path God’s set before us, we let idols hold our gaze longer than his and  fall prey to the temptations this world lusts after. Our sin is deeply engrained and despite how far we’ve come, we inevitably fall far short from the perfect and holy standards of our God.

“For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” ~ Romans 3:23

One of my greatest obstacles in surrendering to Jesus, was my need to “control my life” and “wrap it up pretty.” I had unrealistic expectations of perfection and feared the humility it takes to fall gracefully. But God was patient with me and with his loving nudges and unveiling of my eyes, I soon discovered, the very things we fear the most, are the things he came to set us free from!

God knew my expectations were unattainable- that I’d never meet the law.  But he loved me too much to leave me and when all seems hopeless, he always steps in. He sent his son to bare the pain of our punishment while he was still a stranger to us! And when that glorious day came, and we met him heart to heart, inviting him into our lives, he promised to be there, every day, every step of the way.

“Don’t be afraid, because I am with you. Don’t be intimidated; I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will support you with my victorious right hand” ~ Isaiah 41:10 [Gods Word]

So no matter how many times I fall, he’ll be there to catch me and pull me to my feet. He’ll strengthen me and nurture me back to health, until I’m strong and able on my feet. In life, as in dance, I choose to glide on blistered feet!

“Though the righteous fall seven times, they rise again!” ~ Proverbs 24:16 



I’m linking up with SheLoves Magazine to share my thoughts on "Stand". Join us.


Waiting. something we’ve come to despise and resent in today’s society. 

It holds us back.. it stunts our progress.. it’s inconvenience and it most certainly derails our plans.

We grow up believing life is in the big moments, the next chapter; and the time in between is nothing but an accumulation of waiting- time we’d rather forget about, unworthy of our attention.

We spend so much of those (in between) moments focusing on the future, that we miss the real beauty that arrives in waiting.

For in the still moments, the ones where we’re ready and able to be present, to fully absorb every. tiny. sensation. we discover a joy (perhaps even newness) in mundane, that sets our hearts on fire. And it’s in those moments we hear God speaking, in a soft whisper that echos through our souls.

In the period of “Making my Business Happen” I dedicated myself to waiting. It was five months of the most beautiful self discovery. Never before had I felt so present, content and connected to my God.

Don’t be fooled, they were also the HARDEST months of my life…

But it was because of that stillness and my commitment to embrace “waiting,” that I emerged from such a cocoon, as a beautiful butterfly ready to soar.

Almost a year later, I still reflect on that time in my life regularly. As beautiful as life’s big moments I, I now know its in the little moments that my soul is most content.

I have all I need, right now, in this very moment…quiet and still to hear the echos of my heart.

To be loved.


“The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.” Zephaniah 3:17

How wonderful it is to be loved!
Think about it for a second….

  • The mother with her new born baby.
  • The son seeing daddy in the stands.
  • The bride on her wedding day.
  • The grandma baking cookies with her grandkids.
  • The fallen with their hands up singing in worship.
  • The hugs from your best friend.
  • The “it’s ok” from mom.

And what do all these moments have in common? You know that you are loved! There’s a sense of belonging, of purpose and of safety. There’s a feeling of wholeness and of completion. And in those moments there Is joy: pure and content.

When we know we are loved, our souls are set on fire! We feel invincible, unafraid and ready to take on the world. We want to stand on tall places and sing the praises of love. And in that joy, we love others, unabashedly and whole heartedly. We want to give of ourselves, encourage and rejoice over others. How great is the world, when people act in love.

Some days its hard to remember but try to look around you. You are TRULY loved! By your family, your friends, the stranger you smiled at and a God: perfect and almighty.

So, do not fear. Do not be anxious. And do not live in hiding. Remember and Know that you are loved; fill your soul with that feeling and go out to share it with the world.