Theres something about the dark I find exhilerating…
The way it calls me to cozy down and cuddle to what feels comfortable. The way it slows me still and my ears attune to quite nothing.
And then theres other parts of it that terrify me..
the loneliness that closes in. The lies that circle my heart. The doubt and unknown that whisper hope is fleeting.
A juxtaposition of fear and hope…
and like the true light that knows no darkness, my hope in him glimmers in darkest hours.
When I run to everything that lies it fills… books. food. relationships. busy. work. never ending lists of mundane that promise to distract… I hear his voice whisper gently to stop and come to him.
My heart hears it. It tells me to stop and turn to him. To run with open arms to the one who’s comfort’s complete.
But my defiance wins far too often. Far too stubborn and self reliant. Still I run to the temporary comforts that leave me emptier and more desperate for him.
‘Till I’m face down on the floor in defeat. Till I’ve pushed in my own strength and theres nothing left. Till my soul feels parched for the water that will never leave me thirsty…
Why, oh why do I do this, time and time again Lord?
The battle of flesh and soul that leaves me marred – invisibly beaten and battered.
In the quiet of my suffering, He speaks truth to a heart that’s ready to recieve.
You doubt me, my child. That what I have is enough. You love the gifts more than your giver and know the works of religion, more than the knowing and pursuit of me.
Now wait. Before you beat yourself up and listen to the lies. I know your heart. You love me. Oh, you desire me. But your expectations get in the way. Your fears rip my grip from your hand. And your doubt suffocates my promises.
Oh, how I know this to be true. How I live passionately for my time here on earth. How I deep down think He owes me a nice life and the fulfilment of my every pursuit and desire. That he’ll make my name great. For his sake, of course. Yah right…
That somehow I’m privy to exemption of pain, because I’ve been dealt enough suffering for one life, thanks.
In the silence I hear the prays of a 6 year old kailey that asks the unthinkable of him. And he answers. Me believing my prayers caused such horrific pain. The pain that would rip my family to pieces and would close my heart to grace for decades.
But we’ve all been dealt pain- a full house of suffering.
And it’s that exact pain that produces perseverance, character and hope…
IF! I remind myself….
..IF we’ll give it to the One who promises to make good of it! To use it for his glory.
Give it to me. He begs gently. Unclasp your hands for just a moment and let me show you. My burden is easy and my yoke light.
We all face this choice.
Today I have a choice. To continue running from my pain – the past I’ve put into boxes and shoved in the back of my closet and “forgot” about. The boxes that spring cleaning has dug up and sit heaped upon my bedroom floor waiting to be dealt with…
Will I stuff them back away, to only resurface again or will I take the time to carefully unpack them, sift through the useful and the junk thats taking up precious space and make room for something better?
Do you trust me, He whispers?
I stare into the darkness, face to face with my invisible cross road.
All it takes is 20 second of insane courage, I repeat.
And without words, I breath deep, nod and fix my eyes on the glimmer of light ahead.