The secret to living at peace in every moment

He has silenced me like a speechless child, overcome by a reality of her parents love. 

A million miles a minute thoughts pour through my heart, yet not a word can form; only tears… 

And they wash over me like a spring of hope, relief and security. Like a running refugee who just found shelter and news of safety, I savour new realities of who I am and whose I am… and what that tangibly means; what it affords me. 

Where my mind once knew it, my heart now believes it: I’m His, through and through. I belong to God and he delights in me. He doesn’t just love me, he actually likes me!

And the same love that saved me, saves me again and again and it can keep me at peace in every moment.

… if I choose it.

WeddingKailey-Michelle Photo10Kailey-Michelle Photo8

Like the way I love my daughter relentlessly, unabashedly and ever increasingly and I’m not afraid to show it. I want her to know it in her heart and not just her head!

So I’m certain each day to sing praises and affirmation, regardless of what’s unfolded.

Because I want my words to speak life into every crevice of her being.

In doubt, in fear, shame and insecurity, I want my presence to be the love and safety that washes everything else away. 

…. and I want her to be kept there.

… Her heart to stay there in every minute.


That’s exactly what God’s been doing and teaching me: that I too, can be kept at peace by his love. If I’ll receive it and choose to be kept there, than I can rest in every moment.

As I surrender my expectations and accept the present, whatever it looks like, he’s washed joy over me relentlessly.

As I’ve laid my heart out before him- confessing all in unbroken conversation– he’s placed unending rest and peace within me. 

As I’ve forfeited my responsibility to make things happen- whether it’s to change, to do, or to correct- he’s left me dumbfounded as he’s made the impossible possible… how the puzzle pieces just fall into place.


I believed it impossible for most of my life- even my Christian life: that peace could be mine in every moment. And yet

As I’ve learnt to abide, He’s put a stop to my striving, anxiety, shame, fear and negative self talk.

He’s showed me the secret of the Christian life; the key to perfect peace. 


To abide:

  • To remain and stay connected in the presence of The Father. 

  • To accept all that I am and all that I have in Christ, this moment.

  • To expect Jesus to do the work- all the work– of doing, changing, transforming and keeping [me and others].

  • To surrender to Jesus and to wait.

And as I’ve done that, my heart has been kept at perfect peace; at rest in every moment.

It’s mind boggling! 


I watched as my husband carried and played with her; as he sung delight over her heart, unreserved in his affection. Never have I experienced such love before.

I longed for it my whole life, looking desperately in wrong places. 

All the while, my Heavenly Father was waiting for me to run to him, so he could give me exactly that and more; so he could overwhelm me with his love and affection.


And I see it in the way she responds to our affection….

How our love affirms her as she receives it.

How it frees her as she realizes it.

How it transforms her as she experiences it.

How it keeps her as she remembers it. 


And we’re far from perfect. How much more the Fathers love for us? 

Because perfect love casts out fear; it binds up the broken heart, it sets us free, so that fully, in every moment, we can live at peace and rest in Him.

But we must first choose to abide in Christ. 


Father God, I surrender myself this very moment to abide, wholly, only and always in Jesus. Thank you that you keep me there and hold me as your own; that each moment I meet you with my acceptance to abide, I am met with your immediate response: your favour, your forgiveness, your love and delight in me… the resulting peace and rest in every moment. I choose to abide in thee. 


When you crave a relationship more than religion and blank days more than to-do’s

As I look back over the last two years, I see the obvious etchings of a new sculpture being crafted from the old; a new woman emerging refined and reshaped from the gentle strokes of a loving creator.

From the pressures of grief, heartache and unhealed pain, his hands have birthed a new creation. Through slow, intentional time together, he’s made me more in his image. And he’s been unhurried and unafraid of how long it’s taken me to see that the chiseling, while painful, has been for my good. 

But what I didn’t see until now was the subplot of this season; the new story being birthed below the surface.


Where I once longed to do [for him], I now long to be [with him]; to abide in the presence of my Father, my Saviour and my friend, Holy Spirit.

Abide –  connection, dependence, and continuance.

Where I once ran, I now sit- with him and myself in whatever my current state.

Where I once tried to hide, I now readily undress every imperfect part of my emotional soul, longing to be seen and known and loved unconditionally.

Where I once felt unworthy, I now know I’m loved in real time; not in spite of my past, for what I’ve done or even what I dream of doing for his glory, but simply because I am.

Where I once felt rejected, I now feel embraced.

Where I once felt alone, now I’m known intimately, by not only my Father God, but by my husband and my friends.

Where I once pushed away, I now welcome near and where I once wanted more, my quiver feels full.


Through the forced rhythms of suffering, grace came near and became real; palpable for the very first time.

I have drank of the goodness of mercy, peace and comfort. I have ate of the fruit of patience, gentleness and kindness. And in my unravelling, I’ve found stillness in not just the physical, but in my mind and my heart.

My soul has found rest and joy beyond circumstance.

In the quiet of my closet, the rustle of the trees and the giggle of my daughter, my soul has come home.

Amidst the unhurried moments, I’ve discovered a diamond that was always there – buried beneath the dust of my frantic former life.

Where I once felt chained, I now feel free and where life once felt heavy, it now feels light.


28-30 “Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” – Matthew 11:28-30 MSG

Where I worshiped the hustle, I now bow before the feet of a saviour- a man who wants my heart, not my hands and all of my attention; more than the works and the words of a woman with something to prove, Jesus wants me near, abiding in the presence of my bridegroom. 

He’s made me Mary, when I once was Martha.

38 Now while they were on their way, Jesus entered a village [called Bethany], and a woman named Martha welcomed Him into her home. 39 She had a sister named Mary, who seated herself at the Lord’s feet and was continually listening to His teaching. 40 But Martha was very busy and distracted with all of her serving responsibilities; and she approached Him and said, “Lord, is it of no concern to You that my sister has left me to do the serving alone? Tell her to help me and do her part.” 41 But the Lord replied to her, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and bothered and anxious about so many things; 42 but only one thing is necessary, for Mary has chosen the good part [that which is to her advantage], which will not be taken away from her.” – Luke 10:38-42

Will we hustle for our worthiness or will we linger a little longer?

Will be perfect the art of religion or will we rest in the connection of relationship?

Will we make him another to- do list or will he be our best friend? 


One means going and the other means staying, but both require time and intentionality.

The choice is mine…


and ultimately yours. 


Down the Narrow Path

Jesus tells us that the path to him is narrow and the gate, small… only a few will find it. [Matt. 7:14]


And yet on so many days, I fight the hard stuff and want desperately for my life to be comfortable and easy.

…For things to go back to the way they “used to be.”
…For life to magically jump back to a time with less responsibilities and more “freedom.” [Ha! Now that’s a joke, because in the years I’m dreaming of, I was bound by lies of shame, guilt, self hatred and an incessant pursuit of perfectionism that left me feeling unworthy and never good enough]

When I’m fighting the urge to run from my current circumstances, I find myself grasping for things of comfort:

….old TV shows I watched as a child or in an “easier” season of life.  Comfort
….The need to constantly be out and about being entertained or with people.  Distraction
….Feel good books or blogs that make me feel warm and fuzzy inside, like everything is going to be ok.  Peace

All counterfeit. All Worldly. 

And then I slowly start to notice the effects; my prayers become brief and my devotional time routine, like I’m frantic to “get them done” so I can hurry on to something else that’ll make me feel good. “Happy and light” for a moment.

DSC_0087DSC_0102DSC_0100DSC_0132 CSC_0140

I run, to all the wrong places and things, seeking the vary things only HE can give me:

  • The strength and courage to keep going, even when I can’t see the light at the end of the season
  • Comfort that allows me to rest in him, right where I am
  • Peace that surpasses all understanding, reason and circumstance
  • Joy, to dance in the midst of the rain, instead of waiting for it to pass
  • Trust, that He knows me, loves me and has a plan for me
  • Surrender, to his will, his plans and his ways

My husband and I knew from the start of 2014 that this year was going to be one of change. Don’t ask us why, but somehow we knew. It seems that for every few years of “coasting,” he throws us a curve ball year of “change.” Or as I like to put it when I’m through the chaos and lessons… Seasons of Growth.


It’s in these years or seasons that I’ve done the most growing spirtually, personally and professionally. Because what the heart knows, the heart lives and out of the heart the mouth speaks.

And when love, true love, enters your heart, it can’t help but overflow into every area of your life.


In these hard seasons, I know that’s what He’s teaching me. He’s increasing my capacity to love deeper and to know him more.

But renovations of any kind are never easy, especially renovations of the heart! They might seem fun and exciting in the dreaming stage, but once your knees deep in the mess and chaos, it’s hard to see the end goal or even remember why you wanted to start this crazy project in the first place.

It’s in those moments, where I sit right now, that I’m reaching out and asking him to grab ahold of me. To pull me up on to the ledge of one covered piece of furniture, so I can see from his perspective how things will surely come together.

DSC_0117 DSC_0102DSC_0135 DSC_0115DSC_0132

Time, patience, hard work, persistence and faith in the process.

I hear him whisper…

The road is narrow and the gate small. But the rewards are perfect and worth it, dear child. Just wait.


In the cleft of the rock

“There is a place near me where you may stand on a rock.”

What He feels is anything but near. Distance perhaps. Silent even. And if I’m honest with myself, deep down I worry He’s mad at me… left me to think about what I’ve done with a dunce cap on in the corner.

But I don’t know what.. what I’ve done.

It’s simply dark and eerily quiet.

I’ve called out and I’ve cried to Him. I’ve shared my worry, my fear and my frustration. I’ve even vented when I’m hurt and pleaded for heart change and desire to do His will. I’ve asked for wisdom and guidance – clarity for the next step.

But all purpose feels fleeting; all purpose that is, but waiting.

DSC_0098 DSC_0099DSC_0630

As I count my gifts, I scribble gratitude for the fact that I haven’t run. That I haven’t stopped praying, reading His word or counting all the ways He loves me- daily. #367, I counted this.

Because in truth, this baby Christian likes to feel and hear to know.

But if we’re honest with ourselves aren’t we all like that? Rather faith be akin to “seeing is believing” rather than a belief beyond what the eyes can see or the mind can comprehend.

My bible commentary reads, “We cannot comprehend God as He really is apart from Jesus Christ. We can only know Him by what he does and how he acts.”

Both of those present past.

Does. Acts.

Both require waiting.

“When my Glory passes by, I will put you in a cleft in the rock and cover you with my hand…. until I have passed by.”

Until He acts. Until He does, it’s bound to be dark.

In the nook of a rock, with His hand of protection hedging me in, darkness will surround me. His hand will muffle His voice and keep me from seeing.

In this reality, that same darkness and the quiet now comforts. An act of love, not neglect or anger. 

“Then I will remove my hand and you will see my back; but my face must not be seen.”

And in that moment, light will break forth, His Glory will shine and warm my face from the damp and dew that lingered.

Like the first sun break after the clouds roll away; a glimpse of summer coming, in the teasing spring days….


I will soon fully see and follow from behind, into the dawn of a new season gloriously full of beauty and riches beyond my winters comprehension.

DSC_0231DSC_0234DSC_0243DSC_0245 DSC_0246

But for now, I will wait, with summers taste on my tongue, trusting my Father [who loves me and knows what’s best ahead] to do what only He can do.

To go before me, preparing the way. A way… for me; purposefully planned and orchestrated.

And so I wait.


Passage Reference: Exodus 33: 21-23