My Journey With Sexual Abuse

Despite knowing it was wrong and feeling desperate to say no…

I lost my virginity at twelve years old.

I went on to date lots of guys and to be honest, I liked the attention. I think deep down what I really wanted, was for someone to complete me- to make me feel special; to be their one and only.

But with every guy and every time, I became more heart broken. Eventually, that hurt turned into anger, which grew to resentment and made me jaded. I figured the only way to numb the pain was to “own the situation.” If I couldn’t beat ’em, join em!

 

Courtesy of Paraphrase Productions

 

At 19 years old, I met my now husband.

Still, I waged war against the baggage that I carried into our relationship. I didn’t trust him for anything. I believed apart from sex, he too would leave me.

My shame and distrust robbed me of true intimacy and connection.

After two years of being together and sporting a beautiful engagement ring, I knew I had to do something. If I was going to walk down that aisle and declare forever, I needed to know he was all in too…

that even without sex, he would still choose me- all of me – and only me.

Truthfully, I prepared to give the ring back because what I was about to propose was completely countercultural!

We decided to start again and for the year and a half that followed, we abstained from all sexual activity.

We made a decision that day to fight for ourselves, each other and our one-day marriage.

Friends, don’t be fooled it was the HARDEST thing we ever did; not to mention the fact that we lived together! But we did it and when we said “I do,” we knew we were saying yes to all of each other- the good, the bad, even the ugly stuff we’d rather not admit to ourselves.

————–

 

I think as young adults, we feel invincible. But the truth is we’re not immune.

Our experiences and the decisions we make today will walk with us for the rest of our lives….

Marriage is designed to be the most beautiful and solid commitment – where two people completely trust each other and flourish in knowing they are unconditional loved. And it’s meant to give us the highest sensation of joy in that commitment. But the truth is, our experiences can rob us of that.

So if you’re sitting there reading thinking, “That’s nice; a little too late, Kailey!” I’m here to say it never is. You too can start anew – can make the decide today to say…

I DESERVE LOVE. I AM WORTH THE WAIT. I AM WORTH FIGHTING FOR.  AND TODAY, I’M GOING TO TAKE THE FIRST STEP TOWARDS FIGHTING FOR ME!

Don’t wait for someone else to do it. You can! Make a decision today, because not making a decision, is a decision in and of itself to accept whatever comes your way.

Make life happen; don’t let life happen to you!

————–

 

Friend, I may not know you personally, but God does, even if you’ve never prayed a single prayer, gone to church or even desired to know Him. I don’t know your past, what you’ve done or the pain you have experienced. But He does and he wants to take it away!

Jesus died on a cross to take our mistakes and short comings (sin) away once and for all and he’s ready, with open arms, to offer his forgiveness, love and mercy in exchange. Come to him with your pain and let him give you peace, healing and genuine freedom from your past. Those things do not define you! In Jesus, we are offered a second chance. A new beginning. 

 

If you’d like to invite Jesus into your pain and ask him to begin a healing work in you, pray along with me:

“Jesus, I believe you are who you say you are. That you came to earth, as The Son of God, to die for my mistakes and shortcomings on a cross. That in you, I am forgiven and given the chance to start again. Please forgive me for ____________. I ask that you would take this pain from me and begin a healing work in me; that you would repair my heart and replace the lies I have believed with your truth… that I am enough. That I am worth the fight. That I deserve love. Please make yourself real to me in a way I cannot deny. Thank you in advance for the work you will do in my heart. In Jesus name I Pray. Amen”

————–

Friend, it’s ok to doubt.

There will still be hard days. Healing is not a short or easy process, but I can promise you this….

God has taken my mess and made it my message. He has healed me and through my freedom, offered countless other women the same victory. He has given me a Holy Fire and Passion to see women, YOU, free from your past and confident in your worth too.

And he will do the same for you. He wants you to know:

Respect. Trust. Unconditional Love. Joy. True Intimacy. Commitment.

As you continually seek his face, he will meet you there. He will not let you down.

————

Please don’t go through this alone! If you have never shared your hurt with someone, please start there by confiding in someone you trust. If you have no one, please email me at hello@kaileymichelle.com.

And secondly, I would strongly suggest you reach out to a counsellor and invest in yourself there, even if only for one session. I myself invested in 6 months of weekly  counselling with FREE TO BE COUNSELLING, and it was the catalyst and accountability I needed.

3 thoughts on “My Journey With Sexual Abuse

  1. “And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, Our presence automatically liberates others.” I recently had this and the beginning of Isaiah 60 spoken over me. It is so true that what God has implanted within us is not just for ourselves but to set other people free. Thank you for sharing your story of God’s grace and transformation!

  2. Pingback: My graduation… from Counselling | Seeking Grace

  3. Pingback: Going back to Bethel | Meeting God in the middle of Nowhere | Seeking Grace

For a long time I felt unnoticed and longed for community- to find “my people.” You are it! Please know your presence here means something to me, so don’t be a stranger. I read every comment both on the blog and on social media and do my absolute best to respond to every one!

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