The sound of silence and letting it be

I’m so tired of talking-

of trying to control, manipulate, convince, clammer, prove, and get it right.

Not only with the world, but with, The Lord.

I’m tired of trying to grasp the things that are already grasping me; tired of holding on, like my grip is the only thing keeping it together.

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I’m ready to let go- to release my death grip on life: the now and my future.

Tired trying to control and constrict; manipulate and maneuver, I want to let it be and let me be, along with it.

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I want to be still.

I want to be silent.

And remain there. 

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I want to behold the touch and stare of my Beloveds, letting silence speak louder than words…. let our souls do the talking, communing deeper than mere words could ever penetrate.

I want to speak only when my speaking adds something beautiful to the silence- to this world or another heart.

Yes, more.

I want more of this:

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More silence, less talking.

More listening, less convincing.

More stillness, less striving.

More being, less doing.

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I am ready and I am willing…

to delve the depths of contemplative prayer- not just in my devotional time, but with my life.

Contemplative Prayer goes deeper.

There are times when we speak, weep, groan and shout. But there are also times, when we simply sit in silence and are held by our Beloved…

He reveals to us what God is like with flesh on.

-Book of Common Prayer : Marks of New Monasticism 

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I feel content to be; no need to hurry or rush, to plan ahead or prepare- for now or my future.

No desire to set goals, personally or professionally; in my marriage or family. There are no flags waving- red or white– staring me in the face, needing attention.

I have no qualms leaving the space between silent- unmotivated to fill it with my words and thoughts and ideas.

I just want to leave it- to let it unfold with the natural rhythms of life.

Instead, I want to be in it, to experience it and feel it; to savour it, un-muddled by manipulation or expectation.

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Recently, we celebrated six years of marriage- and a decade of life together, as a couple. More than any other man or friend, I have given Him my passage of time…..

It’s funny how we can remember the past as if it were yesterday; every detail sharp and etched in stone: the pain, the heartbreak, the baggage we’ve since carried with us. And yet, that moment- that relationship- as compared to the 3650 days I’ve shared with Him, is nothing but a blink: a blip on the map of my pilgrimage journey.

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As we sat at the top of a rock cliff, looking out, I realized: I’m ready to leave it all behind. I’m no longer looking back; only forward- with hope, excitement and anticipation.

Through force and anger and suffering, we stopped. We remade our life from the inside out. It took three years, but we did it: the hard work of healing, rebuilding and laying entirely new foundation.

And in the last year, we’ve walked that out- applied the lessons and convictions, we nurtured in that season. We put our money where our mouth is…

and it’s worked.

We’re here:

No longer in the thick of it, we’ve ascended the mountain, seen the peak and trail blazed our way back down. Now we’re leaving the forest through the trees.

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What’s I see now, is a beach: a break, a breather; a moment to bask in the sun of our hard-earned sweat and glory.

Don’t be fooled, it was a fight: the hardest battle we’ve ever fought. But the war is over- at least for now.

Now, it’s time to retreat.- to return home to our people and place and just be, with them. To refill and rejuvenate and rest in the arms of love…. and linger there. To give thanks for all thats been and all we’ve come to be, through it. 

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It’s no wonder my husband and I long to reinvest: in friendship, in community, in extended time with family. 

Where we once pulled back from these (in order to protect and focus our efforts on healing), we now feel the need to retreat from the battle grounds- abandon the places we waged war and found solice in the thick of it: research, reading, healing programs, social media, writing and justice work. 

Our hearts longs to be at rest and remain there for a period of time.

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As we waded in the water, I felt compelled to jump in- to get wet, clothes and all; no longer care about proper or order or what other people may think. And so I did…

I lay there, fully clothed, fully submerged, allowing the ocean waves to take me away.

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I didn’t fight it.

I embraced it:

My fear replaced by trust; my innocence returned. 

Then Dave joined me, plastic wine glasses in hand. We found a rock mid- ocean and sat there staring out, half submerged in water.

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No need for words, our hearts did the talking.

We cheersed, he kissed me and all was well with my soul.

 

 

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Dear Jennifer Lawrence | Pornography isn’t “Normal”

Pornography makes me want to rage against the machine – The machine of culture that tells us Porn is normal and should be accepted.

 

…. That it isn’t the cause of heartache, pain or the warped identity of so many women.

…..That it doesn’t form addictive and destructive paths of desensitization in the brain 

…. That it’s irrelevant to rape culture, the abortion rate, sexual abuse, human trafficking or child molestation 

…. Or responsible for the lack of intimacy, bonding in marriage, not to mention the high divorce rate. 

Because it is in so many ways. 
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Porn threatens to ruin the divine purposes and integrity of the gift of sex and all God intended for it to be; because at it’s root, porn leads the individual to bond to the act of pleasure fulfilment over the individual.

It becomes an idol and the man (or woman) is subconsciously seeking fulfilment of a physical need or want, over a desire for their spouse or to be intimate; a wanting of sex more than the person. And it takes a miracle of healing by the Lord to rewire this way of thinking.

The rampant (and fairly unacknowledged) addiction of our society to pornography  is something that has affected me deeply, both in my teen years and in my adult life. It has brought me to the feet of Jesus over an over, for both healing and forgiveness.

It’s led me to a place of fighting for the sexual integrity of our youth, through volunteering with local organizations that go into high schools and talk to teens about sex, their worth and the state of our cultures dangerous addiction to sex.

Dear Jennifer Lawrence | Porn

Reading this article, I felt the familiar flame of holy justice rise inside me.

It’s closing statements deserve to be written on every heart, billboard, social media wall and shared in every home.

 

“Never accept porn as a normal part of any relationship. It is harmful material that addicts the brain, damages relationships, and pushes warped perceptions about sex and intimacy into society.

You should never be expected to do anything for fear of a partner turning to porn or think its normal for them to do so.

Real love is sexy. Anything else is a counterfeit.

 

I pray today that whatever your experience with pornography- whether single, dating or married- that God would reveal his heart to you on this topic and that you would have the courage to respond.