New Name, Old Problem | Hope in depression

I discovered an old blog post of mine from 4 years ago.

Yet as I read my words, I could have sworn I wrote them today!

Identical- my emotions are identical! Every t crossed and period placed – the same emotional battlefield, just four years apart.

This baffles me for two reasons:

  1. Maybe I’ve always struggled with minor depression and didn’t know it.

  2. I’m starting to see a pattern to how God works in my life – a rhythm to the seasons and struggles.

This isn’t the first time I’ve stumbled on old posts of mine, that speak directly to my current circumstance…

So messy, I am! Sometimes I resent my own heart… ’cause you know, shaming myself always works!

What I need right now is not that- not shame– but grace and acceptance.

Depression has a stigma though, doesn’t it? Few want to touch it.

Which if I’m honest, suddenly makes me feel like something’s wrong with me, when nothing’s changed- I’ve just put a word to a struggle I’ve battled my whole life.

Im no different… but suddenly I’m not ok?

I don’t want to feel like a freak or like there’s something wrong with me! Or like my emotions scare people… That makes me retreat more and withdrawal makes the darkness worse.

I need to stop hiding and actually engage people- be honest about how I’m feeling. Because it’s OK!

Depression is not a scary word: in fact, the vast majority of the world struggles with it.

Statistics show anxiety and depression are the number two disorder in ALL our world right now.

I needed to come to terms with this- that fact that I suffer with depression.

I needed to realize that I’m no different today, than I ever have been! I’ve always been this way – a deep feeler who experiences high, highs and low, lows.

I just have a name for it now.

It’s an opportunity to learn more about myself: understand my heart more, grow compassion and then extend grace to myself. Because I must learn it for myself before I can give it away to others.

… Like how I discovered I was an introvert after YEARS of living like an extrovert!

I’m still learning how to love myself in that one and walk gracefully in my new reality.

Nothing’s changed- I always was an introvert– but I wasn’t living like one (which explained the perpetual cycle of strive/burn out/numbing I found myself in every three months).

So, here I am again, at the crossroads of opportunity – to own who I am and love her relentlessly: a deep feeling introvert, who experiences seasons of depression.

Don’t you know I’m going to learn to love you well, Kailey.

God’s done this before and He’ll do it again!


Letter to self | When you need to hear well done

I’ve prayed when I didn’t want to.

I’ve stayed when I wanted to go. 

I’ve fought when I wanted to leave.

I’ve kept quiet when I wanted to point fault. 

I’ve forgiven when deeply offended.

I’ve sought forgiveness when I’ve wounded and hurt. 

I’ve trusted when all things point otherwise.

I’ve believed when it made no sense at all. 

I’ve spoken life when death’s all around me.

I’ve died to be born to new life. 

I’ve sung praise in the midst of destruction.

I’ve grieved for lives not my own. 

I’ve cared even though it costs me.

I’ve loved to the point that it hurts. 

I’ve pressed on when I wanted to drop out.

I’ve quit because I knew it was best. 

I’ve lived far from perfection, but friend, I’ve lived this life well.

So for now, I’m saying, “Well done. My dear, you’re doing swell.”

Art Matters | My Soundtrack to this Season

The soundtrack to my life right now seems to be Lauren Diagle album, “How Can it Be.”

I bought it not realizing what I was getting into- no idea of the times it would bring me to my knees, to surrender, to the highest [most off pitched] key, to hands in the air like I just don’t care, to pouring my heart out in worship before God.

Every song, one after the other in constant succession, hits a place inside me so deep I can’t put words to it myself; as if she reached down, grabbed my pain and grabbed joy and turned my groans into prayers.


No matter what’s going on around me, the world disappears when I turn it on- my soundtrack to this season.

…. To this season of change, of struggles, of acceptance, of unknown, of trust, of perseverance, of refining and ultimately another layer of surrender.

…. Surrender and trust like I’ve never known it and for whatever reason, these songs has taken my mustard size seeds of faith and moved mountains on my hardest days. They’ve turned my mourning into dances and my aches into praises. 

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So to you Lauren, I say thank you. And I thank God for you! That He gave you the courage to sing and to keep going even when it seemed hard or impossible. I have no doubt that it’s painful personal experience that brought you to these ballots.

Please keep going, because people like me need you and are counting on your art to touch spaces that are otherwise untouchable. 

And to you, the struggling artist, the closet creative, the one living in denial of your gifts. Use them, don’t squander them away! This world needs you. I need you!

Because it’s art that moves us and moves the mountains in us. It breaks the walls, removes the masks and whispers in ways we cannot deny.

God uses art to penetrate our defiant and aching souls. 


And there’s someone out there, right now, waiting for Him to use you to reach them.

Your story, your gift, your art matters.

Flirting with Fire | When You Can’t Outrun Your ANGER

Anger is a funny emotion.

I’ve spent the vast majority of my life trying to suppress it – to secretly pretend like I don’t struggle with it and that when I feel it coming on it doesn’t consume me like a piece of parched kindling wood.

But the truth is, like an innocent wild fire, it can take nothing more than the tiniest culprit to send me into a blazing glory.

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On my best days, a bit of self-discipline and prayer can keep me in check, choosing to respond rather than react. But sadly on my worst, it’s takes an army of rescue crew to put me out.

It took me months to recognize the shame that I’d allowed to surrounded my struggle with anger-

The incessant self talk that told me if people really knew what I was dealing with inside and what I really wanted to say, they’d hate me. The lie that I am a bad person. Not that my behaviour is bad  (or some of the behaviour I choose to entertain when I grab the bait of temptation in anger) but

that ME – I am bad.


But that’s a lie from the pit of hades! And it doesn’t hold one iota of truth when measured against the word of God.

But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.- Romans 5:8

Be angry and do not sin. – Ephesians 4:26

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. – 1 John:9

It’s not the sinner that God despises, but the sin. And it’s not the emotion that’s the sin either…

It’s how we choose to respond in our emotional state that can lead us to sin.

God gave us emotions for a reason and 10 out of 10 times, our emotions are arrows pointing to our hearts condition.

Too often though, we choose to react on our feelings before stopping to do a quick self evaluation.


Like battling an addiction, we can’t run from our behaviour or will ourselves to do better; nor can we simply run to God before checking our hearts motive. Because before we can ask for help, we need to understand what it is we need help with exactly. 

Emotions are meant to direct us to our needs. We just need to take the time to assess them.

And when we can’t figure it out, God is more than delighted to give us insight and wisdom.


If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. – James 1:5


Anger is no different than any other God given emotion. And he gave it to us for a reason!

Anger tells us something is wrong or not right inside us. It can be guilt directing us to confess and make amends where we’ve made a mistake. It can be injustice which can spur us to action or change. It can be pride that tells us we deserve to be treated better. And in my case, a healthy dose of all of the above. 

But I’ve found the times in my life when anger seems to get the worst of me is when it’s fuelled by events and circumstances that are out of my control, significantly more when it involves the people closest to me. And this is where the battle truly begins. 

Even when it’s tempting and even when it’s warranted, I must intentionally choose to respond in my anger rather than react. I must take the time to check my hearts motives and only when it’s fuelled by love, can I verbalize my anger to the one who it’s directed at.

(Note: I don’t mean we go and talk to everyone other than the person we’re mad at. I choose to talk to God first, then one or two close friends who I trust to give me a healthy (and biblical perspective) and aren’t afraid to tell me when I’m wrong.

And yes, I fail at this many times also, giving in to my flesh and reacting in anger. But rather than beating myself up, RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF IT, I try to thank God in advance that he is faithful to forgive me and is at work refining me until the day of Christ’s return.)

Like Solomon says, for everything there is a season. And friend, there is a season for (righteous) anger too….

2-8 A right time for birth and another for death,
A right time to plant and another to reap,
A right time to kill and another to heal,
A right time to destroy and another to construct,
A right time to cry and another to laugh,
A right time to lament and another to cheer,
A right time to make love and another to abstain,
A right time to embrace and another to part,
A right time to search and another to count your losses,
A right time to hold on and another to let go,
A right time to rip out and another to mend,
A right time to shut up and another to speak up,
A right time to love and another to hate,
A right time to wage war and another to make peace. – Ecclesiastes 3:8

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So if you too are struggling with anger and the nasty bits of guilt and shame that come along with it, please know you’re not alone.

I’m praying along with you that God would give us wisdom to recognize the lies, insight to our true hearts cry, self-discipline to respond rather than react and discernment to know when our anger is and isn’t justified.



Please Note: This post was written in the wake of hearing and processing news that shook my entire world and turned my life upside down. What followed was the commence of a deeply personal healing journey and with the help of counselling, I was able to recognize this anger as a necessary part of not only the grief cycle, but of establishing personal boundaries.

After years of complying, their pent up rage explodes. This reactive phase of boundary creation is crucial, especially for victims. They need to get out of the powerless , victimized place in which they find themselves, forced by physical and sexual abuse or by emotional blackmail and manipulation.

They must react to find their boundaries, but having found them, they must not “use their freedom to indulge in sinful behaviour.” A reactive stage is that- a stage- not an identity. Necessary but not sufficient.  – Boundaries | Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend

If you too find yourself in this place, (or if you struggle with anger or rage on a regular basis) please reach out to someone you trust. I would highly suggest seeing a professional counsellor in your area.


When all seems hopeless and you feel like a freak

“That’s a lofty dream.” My Grandmother nearly whispered it, almost hesitant, I think somewhat saddened by what she’d say next. “Just remember. You’re only one person and it’s hard to change the world.”

My heart sank for her. That isn’t my Jesus at all, I thought.


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Sensitive to not invite another eye roll from that evenings family dinner with my “Jesus freak talk”, I quietly shared…

“Well for me, it’s not about numbers or quantity. If I can help save even one person from the pain and hardship- change the trajectory of even one life or one marriage- then I want to. And that’s success in my eyes.”

I was quiet for a moment. Unsettled. That wasn’t the full truth. So I finished, no longer caring how I looked, or sounded.

“Jesus cared about the one life- the one sheep. He invested in the lives of twelve, which eventually changed the entire world. He is the perfect example of love, because God is love. Who am I then to think that modelling exactly that is a waste of time or not worth spending my life on?”

I could feel the weight of decades worth of broken dreams piling at her feet- the armour she wears , the result of a hard life lived- deflecting my words at lightening speed.

She said nothing.

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I remember the day that would have broke me- her silence throwing me into a tizzy of “I’m different dispare,”; and for days I would fight for the ones I love most to hear the Gospel and not reject it – wanting desperately for my family to understand me, to not think i’m wierd or that this is just another phase, “a Jesus phase,” that will too, soon pass.

But instead, my heart ached for the things that break His; here,  a women, so beautiful, so loved, so treasured and CHOSEN and she doesn’t even know it! Or maybe she does, yet continues to choose darkness and live with clenched fists raised high, rather than open palms receiving grace.

So I did the only thing I could think of – the one thing that can soften that heart and open it to the rhythums of his ways with thanks – I prayed.

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Lord, sometimes life feels so broken and people appear hopeless. On many days, it feels like we’re a one man army, standing against ten thousand troops of darkness. But let us not bow down in defeat, for we have victory at our fingertips- The Lord of all triumph at our side and the greatest weapon on our lips.

Let us live a life of prayer, asking in your Name for what is only possible by your power- your works…. that changes us first, so that we may be used by you for your kingdom good.

Help us to remember that it is not our duty, but yours to change lives and soften hearts toward you. And that you are always at work, watering seeds, even when it feels like ground is dry and barren and the seeds we plant have been snatched just as quickly as we’ve sown them.

Because with you, nothing is impossible, only possible.

A few loaves fed five thousand, mere morals have walked the water, the lame have been healed and the dead have been raised to life again!

Those who pillaged your people have come to save them and those who’ve denied you, now preach your word! For your Kingdom is made of outcasts and sinners now redeemed and the sick and broken, healed and spared….

including me. 

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But we mustn’t forget the key to such power; Giving thanks for what may seem impossible, but is possible, only through Christ.

Let my thanksgiving precede the miracle, each and every day, in every circumstance – big and small – hard or joyful.

For it is all a gift and it will all be used for good, if we’ll simply give it to you in thanks.

Leaving room for miracles

When The Lord saw that Leah was not loved, he enabled her to conceive. Genesis 29:31

Our Father is a gracious father, who loves us unconditionally. His heart breaks for the things that break ours no matter how big or small. He grieves when we grieve, he rejoices when we praise and his desires to see us prosper in a hopeful future.

But by proposer, I don’t necessarily mean financially. I mean to flourish in the places he has put us; to have hope and joy beyond circumstance.

Leah was given to a man that did not want her and The Lord saw her. He wanted her to be loved and appreciated, so He blessed her with Child.


She gave him praise, but like us, far too often, she worshiped God while clinging to her earthly desires- expecting him to answer her prayers and heal her wounds in the way she felt was right and just.

“The Lord has seen my misery. Surely my husband will love me now.” Genesis 29:32 B

Three more times would Leah conceive, each time thanking God while focusing on her plans and making clear her expectations of Him… God that is.

Hear that. Expectations.

Oh how I have expectations for my life. And make them very clear to my Father. So often I dawn a Leah mindset, making known and clinging to my hopes and expectations for this life, like he owes me something for my “allegiance” to him.

But heres the thing; our hopes and expectations are so small! Compared to what God is capable of, our plans are akin to making sand castles in the mud slums because the idea of white sand at the beach is incomprhensible.

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The problem isn’t that our expectations are too high – it’s that we are far too easily satisfied.

Keeping our fists clenched, clinging to hopes for a “pretty little life,” we stifle space for God in our plans…

We don’t leave room for miracles!

Because that’s what he is capable of if we’ll simply make room and let him!

Miracles. Glory.



Yes, that’s what I desire to see in my life, more than the fulfillment of my demands and expectations. They never satisfy anyway… for long.

I know. I chased achievement after achievement; always raising the bar and never satisfied. 

Why? Because theres a hole in each of a us; one that God artfully created for a purpose and that purpose is him. It’s a void that only he can fill.

But so often, we try and stuff it full of the things of this world- distractions, busyness, influence, significance, accomplishment, possession, control– even good things, like service and loving others – and allow our actions to blink a no vacancy sign to the baby looking for an inn.

And when the sign flashes, God moves on.
No he doesn’t leave us. No he doesn’t disown us and not love us.

He simply knows how we’ll respond. He searches for an open hole- a willing and longing heart that desires to know him- to hear him…

to live for him, rather than ourselves.

It wasn’t until her fourth child, that Leah would mature enough and let Go of her expectations, simply giving God praise and surrendering her need to be loved by a man.

“This time I will praise the Lord.” Genesis 29:35


What heart ache could God have spared her if she had simply run to him from the start? How powerfully could he have revealed himself to her and comforted her, if she would have trusted him for the answer? How many laps around the mountain and years wandering in the desert of despair could he have saved her from, giving her joy and contentment in its place? How could he have used her to relate to others in similar situations and bring him glory?

We’ll never know. But if his promises are true, and I know they are, it would have been something to write home about!

Because when we seek him with our whole heart, there we will find him. And when we ask for what we need to do his will, he will give it to us abundately. And when we trust him with our lives, he will finish what he has started in us, taking our threads to weave a masterpiece.

A life that shines of his Glory and goodness.


Let’s not be like Leah or the Israelites wandering in the desert.

Lord help us to trust you with our lives, beyond our feelings and our circumstance, clinging to your promises and running to your for our every need. Because you are our best friend, our confidant, our healer, our comforter, our forgiver, our only hope and security! Help us to love you with our whole hearts and desire to know you unlike anyone one. Because the more we seek your face, the more we’ll taste glory and live the life we were made for!

The Princess and Her Prince

Dear sweet fifteen year old Kailey,

I know you’re trying and it feels likes you’re failing  miserably, despite the pretty picture you paint and what it looks like on the outside.

I know you’re trying desperately to do the right thing and make people proud, because that’s what good people do who make something of themselves and you’re determined to do just that and more!

I know you’re striving to win the praise and recognition of those around you, no matter how impossibly difficult it feels most days to keep everyone happy-  the popular girls, your teachers, your parents, your friends, your family, your boyfriend and the list goes on…

I know you’re determined to be strong and fake it ’till you make it; to mask the hurt, act the part, appear smarter than your years or to simply fit in and not let the world in on your fragile emotional heart, that feels everything far too deeply.

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Photo by FRESH photos

I know you want to see yourself for something other than what they call you and the titles that people place upon you, looking down every path and possibility that presents itself.

I know you’re struggling to make sense of it all and understand why, despite “following all the rules” of this life and what you know of how to “do it right,” bad things still happen, people don’t like you, you feel pain and no rolodex of accomplishments or accumulation of things makes you truly content or  happy – lasting joy is what you want.

I know you want to know why life doesn’t seem fair…. where’s the life you’ve pictured in your head and feel privileged to have? But, here’s the thing:

This world is broken and despite what the everyone tells you, there’s only one thing that’ll fix it….

There will come a day when it all makes sense and you finally feel at home -in this world, in your body, in your purpose, in life’s meaning. And it all starts the day you meet the man of your dreams.

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Photo by The Nickersons

He’s tall, dark and handsome, the exact opposite of who you thought you’d fall in love with. He’s the gentlest, most sweet and loving man you’ll ever meet. And he’ll adore you like no other, exactly as you are, unconditionally. He’ll heal your hurts, your wounds and comfort you like no other. He’ll treat you like the princess that you are and give you gifts that set your heart on fire. He’ll help you discover your true self, your passions and show you a life full of joy, forgiveness and contentment. But it’ll look so different, yet more beautiful, than the fairytale you’re longing for.

He’s the author of your storybook and it ends in happily ever after! The ends already been written.

So you can stop trying; stop striving to write the perfect story and be the perfect heroin! You don’t need to be; He’s already got you covered.

You see, this man will be the answer to your every need, worry, and question. He’ll be your confidence, your strength, your guide, your companion, your rock. He’ll save you the hurt, the chaos and worry, if you’ll just let him…

So look around you at all the clues and the people in your life that point you to him. They’re there and they’re not so hard to find if you just stop to look!

It’s like a real life scavenger hunt that leads you to the prince. His name is Jesus and He’s what you’ve been searching for



10/10 people die

Like countless times before, we followed the map and parked outside an unfamiliar home. With a sense of nervousness and unease, we inwardly analyzed the home…

Would we know by simply walking by their house? Do their neighbours know? What can be glean about them from the materialistic shell that houses them?

“I’ll park the car here and then you can run in.” Dave said. But my mind raced for what I’d say, coming up flat; ’cause nothing I could say would be right. And for this “miss fixit,” that’s not good enough.

The truth is, in cases like this, I most times put my foot in my mouth or say things that make me sound like a cold hearted idiot with her head in the clouds, kind of like those families who choose to sweep their [obvious and public] junk under the rug and pretend it’s not there, because dealing with it is just too painful or uncomfotable.

Jennie Allen

Yup, that’s me when it comes to tradegy, suffering and loss. But not because I’d rather be ignorant, but simply because I can’t relate.

When my baby brother passed away at six months old, I was six. And while I cannot blame that instance for my ways of coping altogether, I’d say they’ve shaped the way I handle grief more than I care to admit.  Around grief, my inner six year old puts up a protective shield to box my heart and chooses to believe life is like a storybook ; everything will be ok! I’d rather run through the fields in the other direction and frolic carelessly, than sit in silence shedding tears. I’d rather go on and get busy playing, to keep me from thinking and mask the pain with distraction.  It’s as if simply acknowledging, let alone realizing the weight of the situation, will somehow crush this tender child like soul and break it into a million pieces – an unreparable clay pot that forever leaks after being dropped. Yes, I’d prefer to wrap myself in invisible bubble wrap, bouncing reality off my imaginery six-year olds cape.

You’d think that at that very moment in my life, when I heard the words “It’s your brother. He’s passed away,” I stopped maturing in this facet of emotional coping.

I don’t know why I signed up to be a meal maker, making and delivering food to those in hardship. Somehow I thought it would be fun and my pretty cupcakes would somehow magically bring a smile that heals all wounds. But it’s been anything but and my naive optimism can only blind me for so long.  Each passing visit, gets harder.

My non-dealing and squeamish coping becomes more evident and what registers, is my innability to relate… or my desire to even want to. As if somewhere deep in my subcontious I believe I’ll be next if I get too close and register their pain.

So I’ll do anything to try and avoid going in… being the one to physically hand the meal over to those recieving it. Bringing me full circle to the point, where Dave gave me no choice but to do it and do it alone.

To be honest, it’s not my first time, but today it felt harder because this women was not afraid to talk. She wanted to share how she was feeling, the details of her experience, the all consuming grief that surrounds her family. And this lady [me] can do nothing but stare blankly, with “Im so sorry’s” on repeat and an inner mantra begging me to think of something else to say! I leave kicking myself, repeating every stupid thing I said and all I didn’t but should’ve.

I wish that day had been different and I had news of some great revealtion in how to comfort. But what I did glean was the discovery of something different; hope and joy in Christ beyond circumstance.

“Compared to whats coming, living conditions around here seem like a stop over in an unfinished shack… We’ve been given a glimpse of the real thing, our true home, our resurrection bodies. The Spirit of God whets our appetite by giving us a taste of what’s ahead. He puts a little of heaven in our hearts so that we’ll never settle for less.” 2 Corinthians 5: 2-5

This woman takes things day by day , focusing on what’s in front of her- tasks, people and sensations. She trusts in God, moment by moment, for the strength to get through every day- to do what she needs to do and do it with hope for tomorrow and joy. Because all she has right infront of her is this moment and it alone, no different than you or I.

“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.” Romans 8:18

“God wants us to hope-  hope in something bigger; way bigger than today! He desires for us to believe in Him and the place that he is preparing for us… to actually hope in it and dare I say it, LIVE for it.” Jennie Allen

But instead I trust in myself, my talents and God given capabilities. I seek the council and worldly advice of others, just like myself. I listen to preachers, speakers and evangelists, running to them rather than their own teacher. And subconciously, I spend my days chasing the shiny luster this world offers- things, achievement, money, influence- the plea to matter and make a difference. Don’t we all, when we’re brutally honest with ourselves?

But on that day, when we get the news that the end is drawing near, [because not one of us is exempt and statistics show 10/10 of us will die], will any of that matter or have the magical power to save us from our predicament?

What would I do, how would I react, who would I run to? No doubt none of the above, but simply….stop. pray.  and God above.

So, why do I trust in the frivolous and freeting things of this world now? Will it take tradgedy for me to lean on him completely?

If I was diagnosed tomorrow with terminal cancer, how would I change? Let’s not wait to find out, but do it now.

stop striving

If we stop to take an honest look at ourselves, we’d no doubt realize that on most days, we lie to the world and ourselves about the freedom thats found in Jesus Christ and the transformational power of our faith.

We constantly strive to “be a better Christian.” We choose to identify with our pasts and our mistakes, over and over again. We allow our circumstances to dictate our joy. We act on our feelings rather than God’s promises and truth. We fight to keep our Checklist of Christian rules- Do’s and Don’t. We barter with God, making sacrifices in order to get closer to him!

But the reality is, no amount of “religiousity” can save us because it’s not by your works or good deeds that we will get to heaven. And it’s not by how well we follow the rules, that makes us special or chosen in the eyes of the Lord. No amount of “religiousity” can bring us into closer aligned with God because Jesus cannot love you any more or any less than he does right this very minute.


You see, by striving and making it about ourselves, you’re saying that what Jesus did on the cross, for you and I personally, was not enough! We’re doubting his truth and promise of , “It is finished,” and allowing our actions to declare –  to ourselves and the world – that it’s up to us to set things right.

“Those who think they can do it on their own end up obsessed with measuring their own moral muscle but never get around to exercising it in real life. Those who trust God’s action in them find that God’s Spirit is in them—living and breathing God! Obsession with self in these matters is a dead end; attention to God leads us out into the open, into a spacious, free life. Focusing on the self is the opposite of focusing on God. Anyone completely absorbed in self ignores God, ends up thinking more about self than God. That person ignores who God is and what he is doing. And God isn’t pleased at being ignored.”  Romans 8: 5-8

But that’s missing the gospel entirely, my friend! We trick ourselves into thinking that it’s about what we can do for him, that makes us holier and more intimate with Jesus. But that’s a lie.

We deminish the gospel to a to-do list- a Christian grade card we’re constantly striving to perfect.
To the world, we’re saying that being a christian is about chasing perfection [a no doubt different version than the world strives for but none the less, the same impossible pursuit] and doing “good works!”

Can’t we get this friends. It’s not about acts or words or deeds or RULES! God gave us the commandments to show us our deperate need for a saviour. He knew we couldn’t keep them and we’d fail miserably trying. Adam and Eve couldn’t even keep one simple rule, “Don’t eat from the tree of life!” But because of our innate errogance and pride, we keep striving to keep them! So God piles on more…. 10 rules in Exodus  [The ten commandments] and 200 in levititcus, to name a FEW! “My child, why can’t you see that you need me?” If you’d just stop trying, for 5 minutes and listen to me.. truly listen to me…you’d see you’re already free!”

God went for the jugular when he sent his own Son. He didn’t deal with the problem as something remote and unimportant. In his Son, Jesus, he personally took on the human condition, entered the disordered mess of struggling humanity in order to set it right once and for all. The law code, weakened as it always was by fractured human nature, could never have done that.” Romans 8: 3-5 MSG

You see, the law was used as a Band-Aid on sin instead of a deep healing of it. It was no means to an end. But God made a way, through Jesus. And now, what the law code asks of us, yet we could never deliver, is accomplished! Instead of relying on our own efforts, we can simply embrace what the Spirit is doing in and through us.

The rules were simply made to show us we need Jesus, no matter who we are or the “super powers” we possess.

‘Cause when we finally see Jesus as our way “out” [ ie: the answer to every problem], ask for forgiveness and truly welcome him in our hearts, the slate is wiped clean and theres no more need for trying. Not only our past, but every wrong and sinful thing we’ll do in the future, is forgiven! Because God knows every word and deed we’ll do before we even think them!

“For I will forgive their iniquity, and I will [seriously] remember their sin no more.” Jeremiah 31:34

“You have searched me, Lord, and you know me.   Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely” Psalm 139:1,4



We are made new. Heck, we mind as well be given a new DNA! We’re made righteous and holy, and God looks upon us with the same affection and acceptance as he does Jesus, his perfect son! He looks at the pile of junk we’ve made and says “Wow. You really did a number, didn’t you? [Insert chuckle and humorous tone] But that’s ok. I’ll love you no matter if that piles 10 feet high or 100. Because you’re mine.”

But I know what you’re thinking, “If you only knew the things I’ve done!” “But I’m so far from where I need to be” “I hardly share my faith and I’m so caught up in my own world” “What I do is insignificant in the kingdom of God” “I can hardly remember to say my prayers, let alone read my bible and flee from my weaknesses.” “I’m stuck and I can seem to stop sinning!”

Friend, none of that matters one bit. Jesus already knows and he loves you just the same….. today, tomorrow and always. It’s your heart that he wants, not your condition! You don’t need to “fix yourself and your situation” first.

So, take a deep breath and say with me now, “I can’t screw this up!”

It’s time we all stop striving and take rest in the victory of the cross! ‘Cause All he wants is everything and nothing, at the very same time….

*inspired and adapted from Bart Millard of Mercy Me, live in Concert | Abbotsford October 2013

Made to Crave

We desire desperately to hear from Jesus. We want to mature as passionate Christian women and seek him whole heartedly. We want to FEEL him-  his presence in our lives. So, We pray diligently that he would create a hunger in us – an unwavering flame of enthusiasm for his word and to be in close relationship with him. Because it’s in this place that we feel most alive and on fire with true propose and intent for our life. Can I get an Amen?!
Our prayers are fervent, heartfelt and sometimes loud [I tend to have a personal flair for the dramatic from time to time], but when our prayers come back “unanswered” and we lack the “God luster ” we were hoping for, we fall frustrated to our knees kicking and screaming…..
“Why God!? I want to experience you like never before. I’m ready!”

But to experience something we’ve never felt before [even if it’s simply an intensity we’ve yet to reach], we must do what we’ve never yet done! We fail, many times to see, that we ourselves are usually the problem.

In order to see God, hear him and experience him deeper, we must seek him like never before- with everything we’ve got and every desire we own. But as in most worthwhile pursuits, to seek something diligently, with gazelle intensity, passion and focus, we must first hunger for it, deny it and eventually crave it. And until we crave it, to the point where everything else ceases to exist before it, we won’t pursue it with everything we’ve got.

Faith Size of Mustard Seed
Think about it: You’re on a new health kick, perhaps a diet or new fitness regime. You’ve planned to kick the sugar cravings square in the noggin and work out 3x a week consistently. Day one you’re golden. You’ve got this and you’re determined. Day two you wake with enthusiasm but by 8pm, you’re willing bed to come, if only to kill the hunger pains. Day three brings with it struggle; you’re enthusiasm is wavering and you’re starting to feel bored with the cheesless, sauceless variation of salad you’re munching. Not to mention your butt and thighs are killing and you’ve discovered muscles you didn’t know you had, again! Then thursday roles around and you’re downright soar, frustrated , cranky and feeling deprived.
You think, “well I’ve been good for three whole days and I’m already feeling better! A little rest will do my body good. I’ll be more motivated and ready to work harder tomorrow.” And before you know it, you’ve succumb to an evening on the couch. Next up, the famous DQ commercial, with it’s rich, silky blizzards and it’s delicious up-side down trick. In no time, your minds racing and thoughts of grabbing your car keys won’t stop swirling. You might deny it a few times, but quickler than the average sitcom, you’re on your way and drooling until your fantasy becomes a reality and your scarfing the ice cream classic. [Is it obvious I’m speaking from experience?!]

The fact is you caved FAR too easy and failed miserably at the first sign of temptation and testing. A big ol’ F is what you deserve. You gave into your fleshly craving for instant gratification and comfort in food, while forfeiting the potential to create a hunger and craving for the benefits and joy of a healthier lifestyle.  In the end, that new routine would bring you victory and you gave up, before you were barely out the gate!

My friend, meet your flesh. The tricky, manipulative, devil on your shoulder thats derails much of our good intentions.

By feeding your flesh, you’ve killed the hunger before it’s barely begun and without the development of hunger you’ll never develop a craving for anything other than what you’re giving into now.

Our flesh fights hard because it knows there’s victory in overcoming it. When we deny ourself, embrace our weakness and struggles and bear it, we are walking in obedience with our Lord.

 “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.” Luke 9:23

Because until we’ve come to experience trials with perseverance and learnt to anticpate them with acceptance, well never come to know victory in our lives.

God never promised Life would be easy. In fact be promised the opposite, cause  he’s more concerned with our condition than our comfort! He comes to Comfort the afflict and afflict the comfortable.

The  greatest things in life are worth  fighting for and it’s in the battle for them that we come to know joy and learn to dance amoung the rain! You had to experience the bad before you can appreciate the good for all it’s worth. You can’t comfort until you can relate and you don’t see Jesus until you see your need for him. It takes facing the ugly, plowing through with preserverance and trusting God to deliver us, before we can reap the reward of our harvest. Victory comes through battle, not a dodge around the puddle.

” Joseph was a strikingly handsome man. As time went on, his master’s wife became infatuated with Joseph and one day said, “Sleep with me.” He wouldn’t do it. He said to his master’s wife, “Look, with me here, my master doesn’t give a second thought to anything that goes on here—he’s put me in charge of everything he owns. He treats me as an equal. The only thing he hasn’t turned over to me is you. You’re his wife, after all! How could I violate his trust and sin against God?” She pestered him day after day after day, but he stood his ground. He refused to go to bed with her.” Genesis 39:6-10

Take Joseph as a perfect example. He was tempted daily, persistently by someone of major influence to sin against God and his master. And despite the calling of his flesh [let’s be honest. He’s a man after all and she’s a beautiful woman adorned from head to tow in riches and beauty] he denied himself, each and every day with poise and determination, not giving in or even entertaining the thought. [Your mind is your greatest battlefield] He stood strong in his faith, not letting time and repeated testing wear him down.

When your flesh fights hard, whether its your desire to quit, give up or give in, fight back and lean into God with all you’ve got. Ask him to give you what you need to not stumble and to resist  with Joy, considering trial a blessing, knowing the other side is worth the fight. After all Messiah, starts with the word M-E-S-S.

It’s time we own the fact we need him and stop entering battle alone.

Fruit of the Spirit

Like that God sized void the world is desperately trying to fill with everything other than God himself, we, as his children need to stop killing our hunger for him, by feeding our flesh before it’s barely thirsty. Cause when we’re full on everything else we’ll never have room for him.

We were made to crave, but in a world of plenty- of abundance and excess- we far too often live as the world does, stuffing our desires and feeding our cravings, with the longings of our flesh, rather than it’s true cries answer- Jesus.

  • We run to food for both pleasure and comfort before coming to him in petition or thanksgiving
  • We turn on the tv to “rejuvenate and relax” before opening our bible or resting in his presence through prayer
  • We push to meet our “goals for the future” rather than seeking his will for today
  • We rush to meet our deadlines, rather than helping our neighbour take up her groceries
  • We busy ourselves working for God, rather than taking time to know him
  • We seek acceptance from everyone else before the vary one who made us
  • We reach to be worthy, heard and important before tending to his basic command to love others above ourselves
  • We compare and justify our sin against others rather than repenting to find freedom
  • We schedule in our meetings, our date nights and our coffee, but “fit in” our bible study and our prayer time
  • We give in to our cravings, fall off band wagons and fail miserably because we’re determined to do it in our own strength, rather than in his
What we lack among many things, is self-control  to push past our discomforts, to be be diligent in our prayers and persisent in our quest to get our strength from God alone.

“You are already living as God has taught you, but try even harder! Don’t be a slave of your desires or live like people who don’t know God.” 1 Thessalonians 4:1,5

Pray with me, won’t you: Lord God, temptation surrounds me everyday. Like Joseph, may my heart be yours, so I will refuse to sin against you. Help me to see my areas of weakness and struggle for what they are and reveal to me any ways, in which I have sinned against you. Fill my heart with such love and reverence for you, that I may resist temptation, have self-control and the will-power to not cave to my fleshly desires, keeping my body, your home, pure, clean and holy before you. I specifically pray for ___________[voice your area of struggle at the moment]. Thank you that in you I have victory. I praise you and thank you in advance for helping me overcome this struggle. Amen!