I discovered an old blog post of mine from 4 years ago.
Yet as I read my words, I could have sworn I wrote them today!
Identical- my emotions are identical! Every t crossed and period placed – the same emotional battlefield, just four years apart.
This baffles me for two reasons:
Maybe I’ve always struggled with minor depression and didn’t know it.
I’m starting to see a pattern to how God works in my life – a rhythm to the seasons and struggles.
This isn’t the first time I’ve stumbled on old posts of mine, that speak directly to my current circumstance…
So messy, I am! Sometimes I resent my own heart… ’cause you know, shaming myself always works!
What I need right now is not that- not shame– but grace and acceptance.
Depression has a stigma though, doesn’t it? Few want to touch it.
Which if I’m honest, suddenly makes me feel like something’s wrong with me, when nothing’s changed- I’ve just put a word to a struggle I’ve battled my whole life.
Im no different… but suddenly I’m not ok?
I don’t want to feel like a freak or like there’s something wrong with me! Or like my emotions scare people… That makes me retreat more and withdrawal makes the darkness worse.
I need to stop hiding and actually engage people- be honest about how I’m feeling. Because it’s OK!
Depression is not a scary word: in fact, the vast majority of the world struggles with it.
Statistics show anxiety and depression are the number two disorder in ALL our world right now.
I needed to come to terms with this- that fact that I suffer with depression.
I needed to realize that I’m no different today, than I ever have been! I’ve always been this way – a deep feeler who experiences high, highs and low, lows.
I just have a name for it now.
It’s an opportunity to learn more about myself: understand my heart more, grow compassion and then extend grace to myself. Because I must learn it for myself before I can give it away to others.
… Like how I discovered I was an introvert after YEARS of living like an extrovert!
I’m still learning how to love myself in that one and walk gracefully in my new reality.
Nothing’s changed- I always was an introvert– but I wasn’t living like one (which explained the perpetual cycle of strive/burn out/numbing I found myself in every three months).
So, here I am again, at the crossroads of opportunity – to own who I am and love her relentlessly: a deep feeling introvert, who experiences seasons of depression.
Don’t you know I’m going to learn to love you well, Kailey.
God’s done this before and He’ll do it again!