I’ve felt mostly silent the last few weeks, with little to say other than a few pointed things here and there about subjects close to my heart right now; mainly on the topic of pain, suffering and how we ultimately find healing in Jesus. But besides that, I’ve wanted nothing more than to retreat to solitude, spending aimless hours alone in quiet, prayer and reading.
In my times of solitude, my heart has felt heavy; the unhealed burdens of my past still hanging on. It’s been a long season of healing for me these past 24 months, but the healing that I’ve been experiencing as of late is different- deeper than behavioural modifications. I’m talking about genuine heart healing, my friends; the stuff of transformations, revelations and head knowledge finally becoming heart knowledge – some of it I’m realizing for the very first time!
I’ve been working through Heart Made Whole, as part of the book’s launch team, as well as, praying Jim and Pat Bank’s Healing and Trauma Prayer each day. To say that I’ve reached new depths of freedom and healing would be an understatement. Words cannot adequately describe all The Holy Spirit is doing in my heart, nor the battle that I have no doubt it going on for me in the heavenly realms! There is some serious spiritual warfare happening in my life right now…
I am so grateful that God has taught me to fight right – in prayer – trusting him to do the rest. I’m so grateful that he’s taught me to simply wait on him for timing and the next step. I’m so grateful he’s taught me that there’s nothing I can say that he can’t handle and nothing I can do that will cause me to walk off the path he has chosen for me.
I finally understand that my faith has zero to do with me and everything to do with God;what he’s already done through the sacrifice of Jesus and what he’s actively doing in the intricate details of my daily life right now. I’m just privy to sit back and watch it all unfold, taking part in his master plan from time to time.
I’m even more so grateful for the people he’s placed in my life to help keep me on the narrow path. Like bumper pads on the bowling lane, he’s put people in specific areas of influence over me to bounce off of, ultimately moving me further down the path without falling off it. He’s made me sensitive to seeing how he is using others to speak direction, conviction, encouragement and revelation at just the right time.
Just today, I felt compelled to go to the mountain. Now from where I live, it’s not a far journey; a 2 minute drive to be exact. But for this water loving, pretty view seeing lady, craving the forested mountains seems rather “off”. I went with it though, trusting God had a plan and a reason.
As I parked, I felt compelled to ask for prayer from some friends and in typical kailey fashion, proceeded to puked out a vulnerable plea. I walked into the forest and my first thought was bears, then cougars, then every other scary animal I would feel paralyzed at the site of. Fear overtook me and I decided to simply walk a few feet in and then find a spot to rest [some place I wasn’t too far from reality and could easily run from if something tried to attack me]…. city girl living in the country, I know!
As I sat down, a text came in from a girlfriend who so aptly heard from God and obediently sent me just what I needed to read. The link sent me to the wilderness. And just like that, I recognized what was happening- the season I was entering in to. I had felt it- the shift in my mind and heart- in the last few days, but I wasn’t able to put words to it until now.
I sat there for the next 45 minutes reading and preparing myself for this next season in the wildness. I can confidently say this isn’t my first time, but I have a sneaking suspicious that it won’t be like any other wilderness I’ve experienced before in my faith walk.
But rather than fighting it, I am embracing it and marking my stance in the sand. I’m placing my feet on solid ground and refusing to run for comfort. I’m pushing in and trusting that what waits for me on the other side, is worth every moment of hardship and suffering. God chose me first and I’m choosing him back.
No scheme of man, no power of hell can separate me from his love!