I fell to my knees and weeped. I weeped in gratitude and then in confession and finally in gratitude again.
I weeped for the gift of this season and the things I never realized until now, that it affords me. I weeped for all the ways I’ve squandered it away, even fought it, and finally for the reality that it’s not too late. I haven’t missed it!
It’s taken me 14 months to get here and truth is I’ve pushed back against it all the while – against God. I’ve pushed back in fear of who I would become and what I would discover when all the noise and doing was set aside; what I would hear in the rest and slowness of my new found normal.
But most of all, I feared what I would come to know when I wasn’t so full of “all knowing” and my plans.
It’s taken me an entire cycle of seasons, becoming a mother, a marathon of healing, giving up everything I’d worked for and grieving major loss and heartache to get here but I wouldn’t change a moment of it… not for anything.
Because it’s in the trials and the hurting that God has shown me who He is and who I am, apart from my plans and my expectations; apart from the reputation I built for myself and the “good work” I want to do; apart from perfect circumstances and comfortable living; apart from being heard, seen and understood by the world – even those closest to me.
There are days I’ve taken more than I can give
And there are choices that I made
That I wouldn’t make again
I’ve had my share of laughter
Of tears and troubled times
This has been the story of my life
You were there when it all came down on me
And I was blinded by my fear
And I struggled to believe
But in those unclear moments
You were the one keeping me strong
This is how my story’s always gone
And this is who You are
More constant than the stars up in the sky
All these years of our lives
I, I look back and I see You
Right now I still do
And I’m always going to
I have won and I have lost
I got it right sometimes
But sometimes I did not
Life’s been a journey
I’ve seen joy
I’ve seen regret
Oh and You have been my God
Through all of it
Colton Dixon | Through all of It
He’s showed me how every hard moment invites me into something greater that he has planned, if I’ll surrender to it.
The cross invites us to see grace where there is pain, resurrection where there is death and that every hard moment leads to new life. – Henri Nouwen | Turn my Mounring into Dancing
He’s taught me the battle’s won in prayer – to pray like I’ve never prayed before- believing in miracles. He’s taught me to face my hard emotions and not run from them or punish myself for feeling them; that it’s ok to not be ok and to admit it. He’s taught me to love people where they’re at, having compassion for their pain and hurting. He’s taught me that true love is the hardest gift to give- the deepest sacrifice- and yet the most rewarding.
He’s taught me being “no one” is so much better than being “someone”, because it affords me the time and space to live fully alive – alive to the people and places right in front of me, investing in those that actually mean something to me. He’s taught me I can’t love all people but I can the one– the one desperate for recognition of them– the one I hurt when I’m too busy seeking others recognition. He’s taught me true community comes at a cost; a willingness to sit with others in their ugly without fixing it and going when it’s all together inconvenient.
He’s taught me the transformation power of solitude – of intentional times of silence and justing waiting in his presence. He’s taught me the freedom of accepting I’m not enough and I never will be and that is all together ok because He’s enough for me.
And he’s taught me that nothing I do, no matter how small, is insignificant in the kingdom of God. Whether I’m folding laundry, talking to a stranger, running food to a friend, giving clothes to a mom in need, leading a teeny tiny bible study in my home or writing a few words on a blog that few will ever read – none of it will come back void, if done in gratitude and for His glory alone.
For the first time in my life I don’t want to be someone, I don’t want more and I don’t want to be doing for the sake of doing. And I can’t tell you how freeing that is…
Like the heaviest burden – years of endless striving and trying but always failing – has ceased to exist and in it’s place a lightness and childlike joy I carry in my heart….
Like I’m five again and I believe anything is possible – that I can be anything I want to be without a care for what the world thinks- but in the mean time, I think I’ll just enjoy twirling and running into the arms of the ones I loves.
When I’m with You
I feel the real me finally breaking through
It’s all because of You, Jesus
It’s like my heart’s on fire again
I’m not afraid
I’m not ashamed
I’m safe when I am with You
So I’m here just as I am
Bruised or broken
I don’t have to pretend
Citizens Way | When I am with You