I’ve always been a passionate person – on fire for the things that God has wired me to love, excel in and/or fight for. It started young for things like art and design, hospitality and organization, business and personal growth.
But as I’ve grown older and grown closer to him, those things have evolved and come to resemble things that matter to him; specifically things that break his heart.
I used to pray that he would unveil my eyes and soften my heart to see the world through his lens; that my heart would beat for things that move his.
Little did I know it would lead me here – to places of deep pain, hurt and many times loneliness, feeling like a social outcast. Like the woman who walks in the room and everyone else walks out.
I used to enter a room and people would light up. They’d flock to me. I used to be the life of the party! Now I feel more like the party killer; like when I open my mouth, the things that come out make everyone (including me sometimes) squirm and get uncomfortable.
Nothing about me or my heart feels “normal” or “socially acceptable.”; things we’re taught to socially filter from conversations.
I struggle to know what to say anymore, how much and to whom, constantly filtering the thoughts that overwhelm my heart.
Because there are people who deserves the whole story and others the cole’s notes version. There are people who are mature enough to handle it and others who will buckle under scrutiny. There are places and times that warrant conversation and others that simply can’t lend the empathy or understanding.
I want to be genuine – not hiding or denying Him who’s stolen my heart – but there’s a difference between vulnerability and authenticity and I’m still learning to navigate that….
The hard way, I might add, sometimes feeling like I’m pushing more people away than I’m drawing in. But I’m bound to mess up in these muddy waters.
I’ll fall down 9 times and get up 10. But with Gods grace and mercy, he will continue to lead me in wisdom and discernment. I can count on him and trust he’ll give me what I need.
God knows my heart and he knows the plans that he has for me. He promises to finish the work he’s started in me, on all accounts, including my tendency to go deep too fast with too many people and then get frustrated when they can’t handle it… or me!
In the meantime, I’m thankful for the people he’s put in my life who consistently walk in when everyone walks out.
They lean in hard, when everyone else has leaned out long ago. They check in when everyone else has frantically checked out. They accept me when everyone else is judging me. They trust my heart when everyone else has assumed it. They love me when no one else knows how.
They sit with me in the dark, hard and ugly places, when everyone else would rather pretend its sunny.
They say if you have even one of these people, you should count yourself blessed. I have six and one who will not just sit beside me in the mess, but roll around in the mud and get messy too.
Thank you Lord, for knowing what I needed long before I ever would; for giving me safe places and loving hearts to be your arms of embrace and unconditional love. Thank you for answering my prayers so abundantly and giving me friends- family– that I could never have found on my own.
And thank you for making us all brave enough to walk the narrow path together.