Comparison is the thief of everything.
I know this and yet I spend hours scrolling feeds wishing I was where she was and God would start using me to my fullest potential.
I weigh all the ways I’ve tried against her apparent ones and bang my head asking why….
Why he’s given me passions for purpose, yet I can’t seem to find my way with them.
Why I’ve created the same thing that she has, yet mine sits abandoned on my computer for eons.
Why I’ve had the same stirrings as so and so- yet theirs has launched a movement that inspires thousands.
Why everyone seems to be running together, while I sit on the sidelines unnoticed.
Why i still struggle to find “my people” or and a community of fellow professionals.
Why she is friends with her so fast, yet I’ve been following for ages.
Why I can’t align the puzzle pieces of a thousand steps of obedience.
Still… I’m wandering in the dessert of waiting. It feels more akin to rushing waters of struggle.
In my Influence Network small group last night, we talked about success and how we define it as Christian entrepreneurs. Because if we’re honest with ourselves, most days we make it about ourselves and achieving our dreams… The expectations we have for our lives, not necessarily what God has planned for us.
Because success in Christ’s eyes is measured in service and he is more concerned with our hearts condition than our comfort.
He calls us to love as he has and put others before ourselves. Nowhere does his word say we’re called to make a sparkly little life where we have no need to rely on God, fight to make a name for yourself or keep striving till you’re flat on the floor in defeat.
But I’m still dying to my ego. My flesh still wages war and remnants of my pride and a desire for influence still linger. If I’m honest, I’m still trying to make a name for myself. Still trying to please God with all “my good.”
God gives each one of us unlimited resources in Christ to rise above earthbound dreams and live lives that reflect eternity in our hearts. But it’s hard, even heart breaking sometimes. Whether a man arrives or does not arrive at his own destiny depends on whether or not he finds the Kingdom within and hears the call to wholeness – holiness. He does not have to scramble for a place in the scheme of things. He knows that there is a place which is his and life becomes his vocation.
I read it at night in the pages of Honestly, Sheila Walsh‘s dark yet beautiful journey to recovery after being submitted to a pychiatric ward.
Old habits die hard and yet I face the truth with openness.
The refiners fire, binding the feet that used to run from anything that hurt to a steadfast stillness that abides in him…in defeat.
I raise my white flag of surrender.
Oh Lord, I need you to help me. Create in me a new heart that wants to be known simply in/by/for your namesake and to rise above the prideful pursuit of earthbound dreams.
Knowing that I am sinful by nature and that no act of willpower or persistence can free me from it, my only hope is him, leaning in to his plans and ways of leading me.
While painful- the stripping away of flesh and daily dying of self- I feel victory in small stirrings – hope, my manna for the moment.
And so I hold on. I lay out my soiled rags of pride before him, begging to be washed white as snow…
To be changed from the inside out, in ways only he can accomplish. To find purpose and fulfilment by living water alone. My identity stripped of idols, clinging to the grace that saves.
Lord, I’m chasing after you.