Lately, my minds been whirling with new heart discoveries, a shift in my thinking and focus and the realities of feeling a new season of life approaching.
Truth be told, Dave and I have been sensing this change for a bit now- the soft, steady push into a new and unknown stage of life. We feel as if we’ve left the young adult stage and suddenly entered adult-ville. And the reality of the unknown is, it can be scary.
No longer do your decisions affect only tomorrow or the next year. But in their place are ramifications on your future and the future of your one- day children. The decisions we make today, have the potential to guide and shape the course of our lives in very distinct ways.
While in the midst of my busiest season of work, we’ve been given opportunity after opportunity to put our faith to action and lean on God, with full force and might. Resisting temptation. Weeding out the “lesser good options” in an effort to stay focused on what matters most. And most unnerving [for me anyway] is multiple new opportunities – big choices that effect our home life and our professional lives, for potentially the next 10-20 years.
The reality is i’m scared and anxious. We and I alone, have made choices in the past that were not God’s will and without fail, God revealed each time, we’d taken paths not meant for us. We’d gone into territory and ventures, he had not anointed us for. We’ve learnt our lesson and vowed to do everything we can, in trust, prayer and faith, to move only where we feel God is calling us. But here’s the thing… it requires trust, patience and faith- fulling leaning on God and not our own abilities, foresight and judgement.
God has made is vastly clear, this year in particular, that even when I think I “get it”, and see what he’s doing, I’m always slightly off course and never see the picture crystal clear. Why? Because his plans are always SO MUCH better than I could ever conjure up on my own- they’re more joyful than I can usually anticipate- and in reality, they most times cause me anxiety as I anticpate all “I need to do” and “is expected of me.” **Yes. I’m laughing with you at my ridiculous “I got this God” ways!!
See my problem.. I’m still learning to let go.
But the beauty in that reality is that with each finger I lift, and slowly release the grip of my control, I see God more clearly. His glory shines brighter and His power magnifies.
Yesterday, the words of a song I’ve listened to a million times, pierced my heart as if I heard them for the very first time…
I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven, But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small. I never feared You at all!
If You touched my face would I know You? Looked into my eyes could I behold You?
I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees
-Addison Road | What do I know of Holy
And before I knew it, I was drowning in tears of repentance for my self-reliance, yet again. For putting him in a Box and thinking his ways were not mysterious. For thinking my relationship was alright when half the time I talk WAY TOO much and then run off to “do another thing or make a decision!” I must be getting close to the “end of myself,” no?!
I have far from discovered what it truly means to fear you, my father. But I will not focus on where I need to go, but rejoice in how far I’ve come, because of you and your patient refining. You will surely complete the work you have started, in me….
PS: To remind us how good, merciful and trustworthy our God is, Dave and I started a thanksgiving cup. Each time God answers our prayers, whether it’s little or big, we write it down and full the cup. In times of doubt, uncertainty and overwhelm, we can come back and see just how much God loves us and cares around every little thing that concerns us! Nothing is too big or too small to bring to God.