God’s been working in my heart a lot lately showing me the worlds [and my own] deep routed need for forgiveness and what it truly means to love those right in front of us. And as with most things, He’s working on me in a season of waiting… perfectly timed as always Lord.
I had been sensing a shift, deep down in my heart the last few months. One of letting go. Letting go of the things I planned for my future, my need to control my every day and the hierarchy of priorities I had established for myself. He’s been showing me, slowly but surely, what it means to align my will with his and give each day to him… whole heartedly.
Some days, that means tending to clients, ensuring they are helped, given advice and preparing for not only a wedding, but a lifetime in marriage. While others, it means shutting down my computer early to help a friend out, reach out to someone who’s hurting or simply get outside to savour the sunshine.
There’s been a lot more quiet around our house as of late and after clearing the clutter, yet again earlier this month, [I said no to a long list of work opportunities that I normally would have jumped at, so that I could focus on what really matters and prepare for a busy wedding season ahead] there been a lot of what’s felt like unfilled time, slow days and a smaller than usual list of A priorities to tend to. I’ve been fighting feelings of laziness, inadequacy and guilt. [my pride hurts as I type this and wants to hide behind distraction and create busyness] Because my old self and the lies of the enemy tell me I’m nothing unless I’m busy every single moment of the day. That if I don’t take every opportunity that comes my way, I’m going to miss my big break. That if I have slow days, that means I don’t have enough work, that I’m not contributing enough to my family and our goals to get out of debt and that I should just quit this whole entrepreneur gig already, run out and get a real job like a “normal person.” [Wow. I can’t believe I just wrote that. Those awful lies have pierced me for years and I’m pretty sure that’s the first time I’m ever written them out like that.]
But here’s the truth of the matter…
a) It’s what I call an “in-between season” right now. I’ve just finished my second booking season, and as usual, there’s a 2 month lag before my busy season starts. This is completely normal and routine. Nothing to work yourself into a frenzy over. This season is one to breath and savour time outside and with the ones I love most, before my weekends get swallowed whole by events and must-tend to priorities, even on my off days …. b) My worth and my identity are not determined by my work, my accomplishments, my check book, my client roster, or my schedule. That busyness is a distraction and half the time, I used to fill my days with side projects, social media, research aka: comparing and B/C list priorities…. and c) if I actively seek God in every decision, aligning my will with his for my life, I’m hard pressed to miss my “big break.” My definition of success of not what it used to be and what I really want for my life is what he wants for it; nothing less, northing more.
God’s called me away from the distractions and in this quiet space, this time in between, He’s slowly revealing to me the plans He has for me- That when I listen to His promptings and spend those “slow days” focusing on what He wants me to do, rather than filling it with meaningless distractions that fake me into feeling accomplished, He’ll finish the work He’s started in me- refining my heart, aligning my will with His and teaching me to wait patiently in expectancy, trusting in His every promise, not the worlds.
Oh God, you are so good. Your ways are SO FAR from my own. And while at first glance, they may seem counterproductive, when I look closely, I see their truth, their necessity and perfect intentional purpose.
PS: As I look back now at this post, I see that God’s taken over, yet again. I sat down to write about what he’s been teaching me on unforgiveness and what it means to love as he does. It appears he wanted me to face my fears and be honest with myself, sharing my struggles and vulnerability. I’m thinking someone else is needing this reality check and encouragement too! More on my original post intent later….
PPS: The photo above is something new I’ve been working on -iInspirational backgrounds for your Computer, iPad + Smart Phones. I’m not quite sure where God will lead me in this, but it’s been on my heart to start. It was time to make something meaningful from my hard drives of photos + journals of quotes. See more by clicking the “inspirational downloads” icon on the top or right hand side bar of the blog. I hope you enjoy them, as much as I did creating them.