Truth. This weeks been hard. Really hard. Emotional, frustrating and uncertain. I feel a change stirring inside of me and its this unfamiliar sensation that has me confused.
There are moments when I feel so at peace, joyful and perfectly content. While others have left me unsettled with a dull, below the surface anxiety that quietly tightens my chest and boils deep down inside. In a moments notice, with only a glimpse of scripture, a lyric from a song or even someone’s instagram post, I’m in tears, praying that God would reveal to me whats going on, why I’m feeling this way and asking that he would just carry me….carry me through.
Since January and in making my 2013 vision, I’ve worked hard at simplifying my life; striving for tunnel vision on the things that matter most, letting everything else just wash away. Saying No to many things, so I can say Yes to SO MUCH more- the things that really set my heart on fire. Each day, I’ve prayed that God would work in me, refining my heart, my focus and my desires to match those of his….his will for my life. And like an onion, he continues to peel back the layers, revealing revelation after revelation in love.
Its hard work growing up and becoming the person you were meant to be. Especially when it means laying your hopes, desires, commitments, future, fears, doubts, control, weaknesses and everything in-between at the foot of Jesus. Cause what your left with is a raw, naked and vulnerable little girl. And That’s how I’ve felt this week.
Each day something would happen that would leave me realizing, yet again, I’m not in control of my life. Feeling helpless. No matter how hard I try, things will not always work out the first time. I can’t expect myself to know everything, especially before I’ve tried and failed first. I can’t fix life with a bandaid and if I want change, its going to come the hard way. If I want order and consistency, I must be persistent in working out the kinks…no matter how many tries it takes. And most of all, I need to accept that I’m not perfect [that’s right, I said it] and I never ever, ever, will be!
This week, my office has been a battlefield… of my mind, my heart and my will. I can’t keep up with who’s winning, or who it is that’s got the better of me in that moment.
Deep down I know this frustration is me fighting to letting go… of my old self, my old identity, my old desires and my pride. Allowing God to penetrate my heart and have full reign in my life. Cause truth is, I don’t want the same things I used to. Yet in acknowledging that, I can feel my ego fight back, wanting to stifle that thought and quickly! I can hear the voice inside my head telling me I’m being ridiculous. That in letting go, I’m going to be nothing… unaccomplished, lowly, insignificant, boring and lazy. That I need to buckle up my boot straps and get back to work. Make money. Be somebody. Do something NOW… faster, harder… be more! Cause what you are, even now, is not enough.
These thoughts are not of God. They’re Lies. All lies. Yet they sting like a double edged sword.
I’ve walked away from my desk more times than I can count to simply be in God’s word or sit in quiet. To try and stop the whirling of my mind and fluttering of emotions. For moments in the stillness it all stops and I can hear his quiet whisper…
“This too shall pass. Just be still and know. Hold on to my promises. I’m doing exactly what you asked me for and on the other side, you’ll thank me. Just trust, Kailey. Trust.”
So I’m trusting, knowing deep down he indeed, is working all things out for good. And soon clarity will be upon me. Wisdom and courage, too. ‘Cause his strength is make perfect in my weakness. I need only to surrender, reach out and grab on tight.
Hold on Kailey… cause joy comes in the morning!