Before I knew it, I was in over my head. Financially, emotionally, physically, more than I could handle. For a week, I felt like I was pinned under a bus, with no one there to help me, save me or tell me how to maneuver my way out.
The problem? I started down a path I wanted a year and a half ago. I’ve changed: immensely. And that word isn’t big enough, strong enough or powerful enough, to explain such personal growth. God has changed my heart in so many ways…. ways I never dreamed possible and slowly, my priorities changed. And so I sat: raw and vulnerable as the new me, staring at the mistakes of the old me and wanting to break free.
What about the shame? What about the I told you so’s and my pride? I should have been smarter; I should have listened. But I didn’t. People say you must make the mistakes yourself, but for some reason, I felt privy to exemption from that. I’m too smart; too mature; too grounded. Wrong.
I knew it would come to this! God would pile everything on top of me, all at once, with only the two of us, to find a way out. I had to face my fears, my mistakes and him.
“Planted in the house of the Lord, they shall flourish in the courts of our God”: Psalm 92:4
After a week of fasting, prayer and soul searching I had my answer. So I check my ego at the door and owned my mistakes. I said I was sorry. I said I was wrong. I said I wanted out. There was anger, sorrow, tears, then laughter. Now, peace. It was the hardest decision I’ve made, to date. It has consequences, ramifications and causes great inconvenience to many. But it had to be done.
While it burned to start, I now have relief; like someone just removed the weight of the world. I feel light as a feather and giddy like a child. I want to run through the fields dancing, with one hundred balloons.
And while I still must pick up the pieces, I feel like flying.
“Though I stumble, though I fall, you remain glorious. Towards your light, I come running.”