Feeling the Fear

The last three months I’ve felt off. Low energy, slightly dizzy, a little edgy, can’t sleep, more tense than normal, eating makes me queasy and way too many moments of feeling weird. {no, I’m not pregnant for the 1 millionth time} I don’t know of any other way to explain it. I thought I had a bug, was working out too hard, eating the wrong things, or a funny combination of everything.

Yesterday it came to a head.

During a beautiful afternoon trail run with my mom, I started to shake. I felt nauseous, sore, crampy and overwhelmingly ill. I pushed, harder and harder in hopes of pushing through it. Instead, I wound up in bed for the evening, missing both my brothers birthday and my daddy’s fathers day! I lay there furious at myself for pushing and angry I was listening to laughter, rather than being a part of it. I didn’t know how  a run {which I do, almost daily} could get me here. At the end of the evening my mom grabbed me a blanket,  invited me outside to their riverside patio and plunked me down in a rocking chair. We started talking, about nothing in particular {or so I thought} and within a few short minutes, the answers to how I had been feeling, were staring me in the face.

Fear.

Integrity.

The unknown.

I should have known, but I chose to ignore it. Here I had been praying for months, that God would open the doors I needed to be “secure” enough to leap. But that’s the thing. It’s called “taking a leap” and “blind faith” for a reason. I had been holding onto a security blanket and expecting God to listen and support me, but I couldn’t do the same for him! “If your request is wrong, he answers {No}.  If the timing is wrong, he answers {slow}. If you are wrong, he answers {grow}. If you are right, he answers {Go}.”

I  now know what I have to do.  “Obedience to small revealed truths, guarantees guidance, in matters yet revealed.” Greg Laurie

It’s far from easy, it’s far from simple, is far from comforting. And as I lay in bed last night, these words echoed in my head, loud and louder.

“Feeling the fear, she did it anyway.”

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For a long time I felt unnoticed and longed for community- to find “my people.” You are it! Please know your presence here means something to me, so don’t be a stranger. I read every comment both on the blog and on social media and do my absolute best to respond to every one!

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